Unrequited: My Love Affair with the LDS Church

Four years ago, I fell in love with a man. Deeply, madly, profoundly. What started out as infatuation developed into something much more meaningful. I’d never felt so deeply for someone and even now, I question if I’ll ever feel that way about someone else.

I got to know this man more and more and we became close friends. But alas, he was taken. Still, I would do thoughtful things for him. I’d send uplifting messages and gift him gifts on special occasions. While he never reciprocated much with these kinds of gestures, he was remarkably kind and sweet. He allowed me access into his world and we shared some experiences that I’d never experienced before.

And then the message was delivered: “I don’t feel that way about you, Nate.” I was fully aware that he wasn’t exactly on the market, but I was still devastated. Knowing that we couldn’t be together was one thing to accept. But knowing he didn’t view me in the same light that I viewed him was crushing to my soul. It did a number to my self-esteem and I’m still not sure I’ve recovered.

Besides health problems, financial stress and losing people you love, I’m not sure there is another form of pain that rivals the ultimate agony of feeling so deeply for someone and knowing that those feelings can’t be returned. It may sound like high school, but really: Unrequited love hurts like hell.

As I reflect on my deep affection for this man, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never been so hurt by someone in my entire life. However, the object of my affection doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. I would take things very personally. If he didn’t return gestures or if he couldn’t find time for me, I’d take it as feedback. To him, he just simply didn’t have the bandwidth to give what I was able to give. The furthest intention from his heart was to hurt me. But that was the result.

Intentions vs. results.

Since then, I’ve recognized that my tendency to hold on was leading me to a very sad place. Who knows? In another world, another time, maybe we could’ve worked or been a good fit. But all of my hopes and wishes were ultimately wasted. This man didn’t hurt me. My hopes and expectations of what could be hurt me. Thinking of what I could do for him and what he could do for me over the years. Gone in a second.

I’m seeing a parallel between my experience with this man and my experience with the LDS Church. I fear more and more that it’s a classic case of unrequited love. I’m never going to get back what I give.

I was dealt a double punch to the gut on Thursday, November 5^th. I became aware that new policies in the church handbook would deem members of the church in same-sex marriages as “apostates”. This wasn’t too surprising. After all, married people tend to have sex. Straight married sex is not sinful and gay married sex is grounds for excommunication. But to add “same-gender marriages” to the list of offenses that deem someone as an “apostate” is pretty hurtful.

Can you imagine being called a bigot? Or a racist? When you know in your heart that you love all people and you strive to be Christ-like, being called a word like that takes away from everything you try to stand for. And so it is with the word “apostate”. Can you actually imagine having a deep love for the church to the point of giving your life to it and then being dismissed as an “apostate” simply because of who you love?

So, later that night, I began to see a flood of posts directed at the church and assumed that it was because of this whole apostate thing. Then it became clear that a second bomb had dropped: Children of same-sex couples don’t get baby blessings and can’t be baptized until they turn 18. Even then, these children must move out of their parents’ homes and disavow all same-sex relationships. In a sense, they must turn against their parents. Plus, approval from top leadership in the church is required.

Initially, I couldn’t help but feel angry, confused, attacked, misunderstood, judged, shut out, uninvited, etc. A flurry of texts, private messages and other gestures came my way by family and friends who knew this would be a painful thing for members of the church in my boat. So much love at such a low time. I was an emotional wreck and just needed time to sort my thoughts and feelings out. After all, the church hadn’t even commented yet on the new policies. But would the way I felt change at all after a statement was made? To me, the damage had been done. The message was already delivered.

Anyone who has followed my blog has seen that I have tried my best to speak well of the church. Entry after entry, I’ve been honest about some of the difficulties that come along with being a gay man who still wants connection with the LDS church. I’ve defended the church at times because it is filled with people I love. People who are so good and who are so loving and so quick to show compassion. I’ve explained why I wish to stay aligned. I’ve shared my testimony. I was even planning on posting a new entry with “The Top 10 Reasons I’m Still Glad to Be a Mormon” as an uplifting message to my brothers and sisters in the church. I wanted them to see that we really aren’t that different.

I felt my balance was good and that more and more people were open to having a conversation. I saw progress in the church and found a period of peace where I knew that things would take a while, but hey, things were progressing. I was getting mostly positive feedback from my blog and was humbled by the notion that being so open and honest might actually be affecting some change.

Thursday’s news stopped me dead in my tracks. I am reminded of a man I loved very much. I gave and gave and would’ve done anything for him. But he just wouldn’t (and couldn’t) love me back. He wasn’t mean or unkind. He just didn’t have the ability to return my feelings. To give myself some semblance of peace, I’ve let go of him. In some ways I will always love him. But I recognize that holding on is causing more pain.

Similarly, I have loved this church. I loved singing at the top of my lungs in primary. I loved passing the sacrament and collecting fast offerings. I loved leadership roles as a young man. I loved playing the piano for the kids in Primary. I loved doing countless musical numbers over the years. I loved leading Gospel Doctrine classes in thought-provoking and meaningful discussions. I fought hard to serve a mission. I loved and taught the people of England and Wales with everything that I had. I put aside my own needs and desires for companionship for 20 years of my adult life because I wanted to abide the law of chastity. Even now, as I’m ready to date and consider companionship, I am trying my damnedest to affiliate with the church and have a place at the table. While I don’t feel I’m getting that back, I have to ask: Is the church trying to hurt me deliberately? I don’t think so. At the end of the day, that’s the result.

Maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe holding on so tightly is causing more harm than good. Maybe I’ve been a fool to think that I could one day marry a great guy and raise children with the principles and teachings we learned in the LDS church. Maybe it’s time I admit that I should’ve known better.

Since Thursday, the debates on both sides have merit and deserve consideration. But I’m just not in a place where I can accept most of them. One guy wants to compare this to children of polygamy and suggest that “this is nothing new” and I’m supposed to be comforted by such thoughtless sentiments. The next guy wants to bash the church and suggest that it’s responsible for suicides and tearing families apart. While some of that may be true, I am not ready to join his fight against the church.

I am, however, ready to question and ready to express that I am hurt by what the church did, once again. I’m down for the count and will need some time to reassess whether I still want to be a part of this church. I know that will hurt some of my friends and family very much. But I’d ask them to consider the rollercoaster this ride has been for me. I want to get off that ride for a while because I’m sick to my stomach.

While I have no plans to resign and pull my records from the church, this whole experience has shaken me. I feel like the church is saying the same thing to me that a man I once loved said: “I don’t feel the same way about you, Nate.”

Unrequited love hurts like hell. Especially when you’ve given so much.

For a time, I will not be turning to the church for direction or answers. But I will continue to turn to God and pray for peace and understanding. For clarity and for hearts to soften. Thanks to all of you who have reached out. It’s the one thing that kept me going and gave me the courage to post this.

UPDATE: I posted the following in response to the church-released statement from Elder Christofferson of the Twelve to my Facebook page on 11/07, thought I'd include it here:

With a humble heart, I wanted to quickly express my response to this video. I've already shared how I feel on my blog before the church released any kind of statement. But many of my dear LDS friends have made comments such as this: "It's too bad people are overreacting to the policy being leaked to the press by an apostate. Wait and see what the church has to officially say before you draw any conclusions." Some have added that this video helps them feel peace and understanding. With love and respect for Elder Christofferson, however, I must say that watching this 10 minute clip did not comfort me or magically change the way I feel. I wish I could report that it did. Some would say: "Church haters are going to continue to hate, no matter what." Fine, some will do just that. But the majority of people I know who have been rocked by this recent news are not haters of the church. They are not lacking in spirit or failing to exhibit faith. They are simply devastated by these changes. I'm willing to entertain the ways in which children could be spared confusion and humiliation with this strict policy. Unfortunately, I strongly believe that this change will affect children in many more negative ways than in positive ways. It will break what semblance of "family" the gay members of our church have. I do not wish to be divisive. I don't enjoy hurting the feelings of church members that mean a great deal to me. But I needed to express that copying this link with a quick command to "watch this and pray before you condemn" did not have a changing effect on me. I'm still hurt. I still disagree. And I will still turn to the Lord for further understanding and peace. I'm not a rebel. I'm not an apostate. I am a gay man who loves the Lord and with humility, I continue to question this change in policy.

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson