Pioneer Day: Blazing a Trail of My Own

Part 1

Gay pride. Mormon pride through Pioneer Day. Birthdays and Anniversaries. Graduations and Promotions. Special interest groups and continuing education. Choral ensembles and book clubs. Die hard sports fans and rock n' rollers. Free-spirited dreamers and conservative realists. The dynamic extroverts we admire. The mysterious introverts who fascinate us.

It's fun to consider who we are, how we were raised, and how we each see the world differently based on those factors. Our own beliefs, interests, political views, relationships, and hobbies can shape how others view us. I am fascinated by the many ways we allow events, holidays, traditions, ceremonies, and other rites of passage to give us reason to pause, reflect, consider, change, and grow.

In the past couple of years, I have felt a considerable amount of heartache about the church that I was raised in and came to love and serve for years. Today, I put all of that aside and I consider what I have in common with those early pioneers. Their drive, their spirit, their conviction, their sacrifice, their willingness, their tenacity, their faith, their hopes and dreams, their love of God. It's staggering to consider. And even if I disagree with certain aspects of the doctrine or, more commonly, the culture of the LDS church…

…today, I sing a song of pride and appreciation for my Mormon upbringing.

I allow gratitude to flush through my body as I consider how my experiences as a gay Mormon have helped me become someone who can blaze his own trail. I strive to do so in a way where others would want to join my journey, but I don't always succeed.

The focus of this blog (and the way I try to live my life for that matter) is to continually remind others that diversity and being different is a beautiful opportunity. Having different beliefs and traditions than our neighbors should be something that brings us closer together as co-citizens of God's green earth rather than divide us as enemies who are governed by hurtful dogma. In that spirit, I wish to say in celebration:

Happy Pioneer Day to all of my dear LDS friends and family!

May we all consider what path we're on and just reflect on how different and yet, at times, how similar our journeys can be? How fortunate and maybe even, how divine we could feel when our destinations might be similar, but our individual paths to get there end up looking a little different from each other? In some cases, maybe our destinations aren't the same. But when our paths cross with someone who is headed in a different direction, how powerful would it be if we could look at each other and say:

"Hey, that's not where I'm going, but I wish you a fun and rewarding journey. Send me a postcard and one day, we'll have some wonderful tales to tell each other.

To those who have gone before me, thank you for showing me how to blaze my own trail of conviction. The persecution I've endured and the sacrifices I've made for what I truly believe in my heart of hearts has been worth it. I hope to one day be regarded as a pioneer to future generations because of the messages I'm trying to send, and even more so, because of the way I live my life. I've gained far more than I ever lost in following the trail I know is right for me. I am finally finding my own inner-Zion and I can't help but feel...All is well, all is well.

Part 2

Note from Nate:

Part 1 was taken from a Facebook post I wrote earlier today. I've had a few additional thoughts as I've considered what Pioneer Day means to me. Here they are:

I chose the image at the top of this post because it's symbolic. Some may consider my path to be too unsafe. They may wonder why I can't or won't take the carefully planned and paved streets within the safety of the local neighborhood while sitting in a protective car with a/c, stereo, and all the extras. And, they won't always be able to understand why my path needs to be a little further outside the local neighborhood at times. I'm mindful that cars break down and accidents happen, but ultimately, they see this approach as the safer way. This is figurative, of course.

Let's have a little more fun with this analogy...

I have discovered that the "car" path mentioned above may get me to where I want to go at the end of the day, so why wouldn't I take it? I guess it's because I have come to the point where I want to enjoy the ride as well. So, while my destination is the same, I'm almost no longer comfortable in that car. After all, in this analogy, it's as if everyone in the car wears a seat belt, but mine doesn't click or lock. Therefore, I'd just rather walk sometimes. I feel safer.

Hear me on this my dear loved ones who are having a hard time with my sexual orientation:

Every natural AND godly instinct I possess tells me to take a path that isn't as commonly traveled. Not only that, I feel like it's time to get out of the car for a little while and travel my path by foot.

When I was 14, I used to walk home from school, and my favorite part of the daily trek was when I hit the railroad track that ran along the east side of my neighborhood. I eschewed the sidewalks and blocks in favor of the allure and variety of these train tracks. It was during this time that I'd think about the gospel as taught in my church, who I wanted to be, who I should be, and who I was afraid I was deep down inside.

There was something therapeutic and peaceful about taking the tracks home for that final mile every day. However, this "path" can be treacherous and unforgiving at times. Big, loud trains hustle by and sometimes, tragedy strikes. In these proverbial instances, I have observed the others who sit in the safety of their cars and watch on, wondering why anyone would ever take the train track path in the first place.

Today, in addition to honoring and remembering the Mormon pioneers, I also wish to express that I stand strong on the shoulders of my LGBT forebears. They created a path that I can follow more safely. Rail by rail and tie by tie, these beautiful creatures lovingly and painstakingly laid down a railroad track of sorts. Now, in 2017, at age 40, I believe with all my heart that I can get to the same destination as those who warned me not to take the path I'm on.

The specific path and scenery looks a little different. In addition, the comforts, possibilities, preferences, circumstances, challenges, roadblocks, and overall traffic along the way will be similar in some ways and vastly different in other ways. But we'll all get home in time for dinner.

To me, it's very simple. Think of two travelers and the trails they're on:

Same destination, same path? Ok, sure. If that's what both of them want, and it's what will help them both feel that this is the most successful approach. But why should one be forced by the other traveler to follow the same path? Or, why should one traveler be condemned by the other if he doesn't agree with the map?

Same destination, different path? We were intentionally created to be different from each other, after all. Could it be that God doesn't need us all to follow the exact same path? Or, maybe there is one big path (i.e. Jesus Christ for someone like myself) with a bunch of smaller paths that can lead to thee "Big Path". If our individual paths vary here on earth, can't they vary in beautiful ways in the hereafter as well?

Different destination, different path? I'd be curious where each of the travelers came from and where they WANT to go before having an opinion. Can we try a little harder to get INTO the hearts and minds of loved ones who walk a different path and learn WHY their journey needs to be different? Wouldn't we appreciate their point of view a little more? Can we go a step further and maintain control, love, and compassion when someone's ultimate destination doesn't line up with our religious beliefs or worldviews?

Gay pioneers. Mormon pioneers. Today, I celebrate them both:

I smile when I think about the path of a devout, temple-attending Mormon man who loves being married and having a family. He works hard to provide for his family and to be the kind of man his upbringing, religion, and personal convictions lead him to be. I cheer with joy at the prospect of this man's family truly being together in the hereafter, and if a sealing in the temple helps to assure them of this promise, and if this man believes even deeper than that and feels with all his heart that this sealing ceremony was revealed by God Himself, I applaud that. You go, boy! I can see how comforting this approach would be for this man's day to day life. It's not rose-tinted and perfect. Actually, this approach can just as readily be full of trials with demonstrations of humility, obedience, sacrifice, and other virtues I esteem to be godly. What a beautiful path.

I also smile when I think about the path of a gay man who used to attend the Mormon church but no longer does so. If the man in this description is anything like me, his decision was based on a lifetime of experiences, circumstances, beliefs, boundaries, conditions (his own biology and genetic make-up mixed in with some 'nature vs. nurture' struggles as examples), and overall rejection and heartache. This man isn't willing to just to be spectator, he demands and commands enough respect and self-worth to refuse second-class status. Therefore, his heart leads him to find God in different ways. I feel hope when this man believes that God is just as accessible to him now as when he was on his LDS mission. I see the beauty of this man finding his partner and making their way together on a new, shared path, with new rules and new possibilities that will lead to a much happier place in life AND in the hereafter. What a beautiful path.

But if either man forced his path on the other and rejected all other paths and possibilities that could lead one back to God, suddenly...it's not as beautiful or individual.

I close with my favorite lyrics from "Come, Come Ye Saints". I read them and feel intense peace that maybe someday, maybe even soon...God could help me and my future husband find our way forward in a safer, more loving place than the Great Salt Lake can sometimes be.

This part of the hymn has become very 'West Side Story' to me. Remember the hopeful and longing words of "Somewhere"? There's a place for us, somewhere...a place for US. Me and my guy, where we are not made to feel less than or persecuted or ashamed. The best part:

We’ll find the place which God for us prepared, far away in the West,

Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid; there, the Saints will be blessed.

I don't know where my "West" is just yet, or who my special "saint" will be, but I'm walking my path in the best possible way I can. I look to God, I try to love people and share what I can in the way of possessions and talents, and I face the direction I feel is best for me.

Like my gay and Mormon pioneer heroes, I try (and fail sometimes) to put my faith in God and take it one day at a time. I feel confident that the path I am on will ultimately end up in my favor as long as I strive to always carry this pioneer spirit while simultaneously appreciating the differences in someone else's journey.

Accepting vs. Expecting

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

Many people attribute this quote to Shakespeare, but the origin is actually unknown. The quote closely resembles a truth that is widely taught in Buddhism:

“Desire is the root of all suffering.”

When we desire something, we expect a specific outcome, so the statements are pretty closely aligned.

I've been reflecting quite a bit on my level of happiness lately. There are some really great things happening in my life, and I am able to feel gratitude and accomplishment and support and direction and hope. I'm optimistic about what the future could hold for me. That said, I've come to the conclusion that I feel disappointment on a regular basis.

Since I don't like feeling this way, I am turning inward to find out what the source of my disappointment is. Do I just expect too much? Do I base my expectations on criteria that is fair and balanced? If I become more accepting of certain things, will that balance things out? Or am I just settling? Shouldn't I continue to demand that certain expectations are not only met, but exceeded at times?

Let me start from within. I readily admit that I expect way too much from myself in various ways. In the past, this level of expectation was all about covering up who I really was. Being an over-achiever was a desperate attempt to win the approval and meet the expectations of others. You can read more about that here. Presently, I'm all about being my most authentic self and going after what I really want in life. However, my approach can be detrimental to my progress (and even to my health) at times.

I'm currently working two jobs and am going to school full-time at the Utah College of Massage Therapy. It's been quite an adjustment to keep up with the demands that come along with this crazy schedule. At times, I want to collapse because of burn-out. I don't eat or sleep like I should. But hot damn if I'm not doing everything it takes to get straight A's. See the problem there? I don't take good care of myself, but I'm certainly taking care of my goals. Sounds like an imbalance, doesn't it?

Well, I want perfect attendance and a 4.0 GPA when I graduate because I feel that these two things will make me more “hirable” to potential clinics and spas. I reviewed these goals with a mentor of mine recently and she reminded me that while they are worthy and good, there might be more important goals to shoot for. She challenged me to examine other things that would make me stand out from the rest of the pack.

Being competitive is good. I've been pleased to see that I still have that fire after all these years. However, my own expectation of my performance at school has required a significant amount of sacrifice. Those closest to me have seen my constant state of stress and my insistence to run faster than I have strength. I'm often told that I'm not quite myself lately, or that I look tired (never gets old). I've been running on empty since October, but my goals...

What about my goals? And my attendance?! And my GRADES?!?!

I've taken things down a notch lately. Sure, I have attendance and grades on lock and those two things will continue to be goals. But, maybe I can accept that a B once in a while wouldn't do major damage to my overall life trajectory. Perhaps I can lower my expectations and raise my level of acceptance. Maybe I could even replace these two goals with worthier goals, such as:

• Being less of a complainer and more of a champion.
• Being more available to loved ones who may feel neglected since I started school.
• Being a positive force to others in building them up instead of being an energy vampire.
• Becoming the most authentic, loving and giving version of myself I can be.
• Focusing less on grades and attendance and more on becoming an amazing massage therapist. After all, most of my clients won't give a damn that I got A's in all my Anatomy courses. They just want an amazing massage from someone who cares and knows what he's doing.

Managing relationships is another area where I struggle to achieve a healthy balance between accepting and expecting. Here are some examples:

• While I share many religious beliefs with family and friends, I have expected in the past that they will see eye to eye with me. That they will mourn with me. That they will celebrate with me as I navigate my way through life, even if the path is a little different. I show up for them in many ways, so I absolutely have expected that they will do the same for me. However, I've had to accept that they aren't having the same experience I'm having and that they might not be able to grasp every aspect of being gay and Mormon. This is an example of accepting in a healthy way. Sure, I don't like being called to repentance and I can sometimes feel a chasm between people that I'm meant to be very close to. But forcing any of them to think as I think and see as I see and feel as I feel is a wasted effort. It's just not realistic. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Instead, I can accept that I have good relationships where love triumphs over any differences in beliefs, politics, or opinions.
• When it comes to dating, I unintentionally fell pretty hard for two guys in my recent past. It just so happens that they were taken. Read more about that struggle here. I've expected (or at least hoped for) things from them that I had no business asking for. While it has been extremely heart-wrenching to let go, I am trying my best to accept what cannot be. Lowering my expectations and increasing my level of acceptance is a must. In other areas of dating, I've been amazed at how disappointed I've felt by so many guys. Some men flirt and lead me on, only to disappear, while others allow for meaningful conversations or exchanges, only to make it clear later that they have no intention of pursuing things more deeply despite achieving a palpable chemistry. This is part of dating that everyone goes through. While I can let go and accept that my love life is not on fire at the moment (who has time for love right now anyway?), I will not give up on expecting a high level of output from my future guy. After all, I love hard and give my all. I may be disappointed time and time again, but eventually, my persistence will pay off. My guy won't reciprocate out of obligation. He will take the lead just as readily as I do in showing me that he loves being with me. This is an area where I won't negotiate or settle. I'll continue to demand until I find what I'm looking for. I'm worth it, it's realistic and it's attainable. I won't settle for less!
• Other than 3 or 4 core close friends and some family members who step up to the plate consistently, I've discovered that I put more into my friendships than I get from them. I will often be the one to call or text to check in or I'll take the initiative to make plans to spend time together. It's one of the loneliest feelings in the world to think that if I stopped making such efforts, I wouldn't hear from some of them ever again. My expectation of my friends is high because I try to be a very involved, pro-active friend (um, not counting the last few months since my social life went out the window, haha). Because I give a lot in this area, I sometimes assume that my friends will give back in equal measure. This sets me up for disappointment when I don't feel that the friendship is as important to them as it is to me. I tend to take it personally. In some ways, I want to maintain this level of expectation and hold my friends to the standard I've set. In other ways (perhaps because I've dropped the ball on several friends since school started a few months ago), I am able to lower my expectations and just trust that quality is better than quantity. Plus, I'm learning all over again that the more I love myself and can rely on myself, the less I need from other people. Still, this continues to be a tricky area for me.

In summary, I'll admit: Sometimes I expect too much from other people. If I gathered up all of the reasons, relationships, goals, and experiences from the last 5 years that have brought me disappointment, I think I could safely say that a common theme was that my expectations weren't met. On the flip side, some of my greatest victories and sources of joy over the last 5 years were simply a result of my expectations being met. We can't have everything we want, after all.

I believe in fulfillment and being content with what one has in life. There is great power in coming to accept what is and what isn't. We can more readily appreciate our expectations being met when we have first felt the sting of disappointment that comes from our expectations not being met. That said, I refuse to accept the status quo in certain areas. I'll continue to have expectations of myself and of other people so long as I can justify them and walk the walk. I'm open to lowering some of them, but not all of them. There are just some things I'm not willing to settle for at this stage of my life.

The less expectation we have, the less disappointment we'll feel. But aren't there some things in life that we should boldly and proudly demand and expect? Of ourselves and of others? As I continue to balance acceptance and expectation, I'm going to be more gentle with myself. I'm also going to assume the best about others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Part of this is accepting who someone is instead of who I expect them to be. I think this is something that we all get to take our lifetimes to learn to manage, but it's especially present on my mind lately.

Your thoughts are welcome and appreciated. ;)