My Testimony: Take It or Leave It

Since my last post, I’ve been able to connect with each member of my “Top 10 Support Corp”. This group consists of my 7 closest friends and 3 family members who would do just about anything for me (and I for them). I rely on each member of this decuplet in different ways. Some of them are active in the LDS church while others are ex-Mormons or nonmembers. Some are straight and some are gay. I talk to some of them about relationships and dating while I talk to others about the church and my faith.

As blessed as I am to have the support of this posse, I’ve realized in some of my recent conversations with them that some don’t understand or agree with the way I’m living my life. It made me cast a wider net and consider how I’m being perceived by others in my life. I’m not heavily controlled by how I’m perceived like I used to be. But it’s been a fun exercise in self-reflection. I’d break my circle of influence down to the following 4 groups:

·         Active LDS who want me to go back to church and marry a woman or agree to celibacy and loneliness. After all, they know that I can have the same blessings that they have and be just as happy as they are by choosing the same things they’ve chosen.

·         Active LDS who believe in marriage equality and want me to find a great guy and find happiness by building a life with him. They get that I’m a good person who means no harm to the church but still wants connection with the church. They also get that I’m finally ready to pursue a relationship with another man after years of isolation and suppression.

·         Ex-Mormons/Nonmembers who understand my faith transition quite well and think I’m approaching things in a healthy way and that I’m progressing at a good pace. Some even understand the balance and complexity of exploring one’s sexuality while going through a faith transition.

·         Ex-Mormons/Nonmembers who understand part of what I’m going through but don’t see how I could still want anything to do with the church. You’re in or you’re out, it’s black and white. Crap or get off the pot. Choose a side!

I should quickly point out that I love my Support Corp dearly and I benefit greatly through my association with each of them. They each challenge me to be a better version of myself, even if some of the advice and counsel varies quite a bit from person to person. I welcome it all and truly consider what each of them has to say. There’s a reason I’ve selected them as my nearest and dearest. But it does make me think “wow, perhaps the people who I’m meant to be the closest to in my life don’t fully get me”. I guess that’s something we all experience. We can all feel that way, I’m sure.

A couple of days ago, I had lunch with a good friend who is a bit of a mentor to me in a professional capacity. She gave me some feedback that was eye-opening. I’ll paraphrase what she said:

“Nate, the subtext of what I often hear you say is how your support system is this or that. What if you just did what your heart wants to do, whether you have a support system or not? I know there are things that you want to accomplish, things you are longing to achieve, but you make it conditional on whether you have the support system in place or not. Just do you regardless.”

With that setup, I’d like to step out on my own and open up without considering what anyone else has to say or think. I’d like to share my testimony, topic by topic. I’d like to bear it and “bare” it, nothing to hide. I share my testimony for the following reasons:

·         I’d like my LDS friends and family to see that we still have many beliefs in common. I’d rather focus on where we agree than on where we disagree. I’d rather have them feel happiness about the beliefs we share instead of sadness and fear because they believe that I’m doomed or that I’ve lost my way. Maybe this will help them, maybe it won’t.

·         I’d like for the gay community who follows my blog to try to understand why I still want something to do with the LDS church. I respect and totally understand the decision of many LGBT friends, acquaintances and allies to fully leave the church and never look back. My continued desire to be somewhat connected to the LDS church is complicated and in no way is it meant to hurt or offend anyone. I’m fully aware of the pain you feel and I have shared many of those same experiences. I also understand that sometimes, it’s just general disinterest or disagreement that leads people away from the church. But please try and understand that my journey looks different. We’re gay and we are/were members of the LDS church. Past that, we’re probably very different from each other. Can we see the beauty of that?

·         I’d like for my Ex-Mormon and nonmember friends to try and understand why I embrace the grey and why I can’t live my life in black and white. I respect and even admire the ways in which many of you have led your lives since leaving the church, but I can’t make the same type of separation and feel the same level of peace and happiness you’ve experienced. I get that some of you may feel frustration toward me for the way I express myself or the balancing act I’m maintaining. I can only say I’m doing the best I can, for me.

·         Most importantly, I’d like for other LGBT members of the LDS church to feel comforted and see that there are many options under the gay-Mormon umbrella.

Now then…my testimony.

MY testimony.

Mine.

Shared willingly.

Subject to criticism and disapproval from either side.

I can’t make everyone happy by what I share.

But it’s mine and I cherish it.

It matters to me.

I hope that many of you draw strength and understanding from it.

Heavenly Father

I’ve always believed in God. I can’t imagine living my life without that belief. I believe we are created in His image. I believe He loves us more than we understand. I believe that we knew Him before we came to earth. I believe that we can return to Him through Jesus Christ.

I don’t attend church very often (for reasons I’ve previously shared on this blog), but I feel God’s love all of the time. I feel reassurance and peace. I believe in a loving and merciful God. I believe He has a plan and knows what He’s doing. I believe He loves ALL of His children and has all of them in mind.

That said, I have had some incredibly interesting conversations with agnostic or atheist friends. I think that some people who believe in God can get scared of or turn their noses up at atheists. Maybe they fear they’ll lose their faith if they associate with nonbelievers. The atheists I associate with are harmless, intelligent, interesting and open to many possibilities. I understand them in some ways. After all, in this mortal experience, I’ve never seen or talked with God. I simply believe in Him. But my belief is strong and I feel peace having that belief.

I just hope we don’t needlessly condemn atheists and nonbelievers. They’re capable of doing great things and having hearts of gold. Just because they can’t testify that they know there is a God does not make them bad people. I believe that God Himself would like His children to believe in Him, but I don’t think that He’s such a narcissist that He can’t deal with millions of nonbelievers. I think He is patient and kind and that He can totally understand why many don’t believe in Him. I think He has some tricks up His sleeve to see to their salvation and their fuller understanding according to His timetable and will.

Jesus Christ

I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe Him to be the Redeemer of the world. I have studied His life and believe Him to be more than just a prophet or historical figure. I believe that through His death and resurrection, I can overcome death. I believe that through His atonement, I can be forgiven of my sins. I believe in His teachings to love each other.

I have come to love Him without ever having met Him or talked to Him, at least, not here on earth. Some would dismiss this as a “Santa Claus” kind of love or hope, but I have felt peace too many times in my life to doubt. I want to be like Him and treat other people as He would. I hope that even this blog is accomplishing that desire in small and simple ways.

I believe that whether we are active in the LDS church or not, we are all hopeless without a Savior. Let’s say the cost of getting into “heaven” and returning to God’s presence is $100. Some of us may be able to pay $30. Others of us may only be able to pay 30 cents. Either way, we need Jesus Christ to pay the difference. I don’t think He cares whether that difference is $70 or $99.70. We just need to accept Him and allow Him to pay the difference. How we accept Him is a little more involved and I won’t get into it here. But I believe with all of my heart that I can return to Heavenly Father because of Jesus Christ.

My own faith and my own works put me in a place where I can lay claim to what He offers, but ultimately, my own righteousness does not save me. It is the grace and works of a willing Savior that will permit me to return to a loving Heavenly Father. We could get into justification and sanctification and all that, but suffice it to say that this is one area I feel passionate about. Because of Jesus Christ, I can return to Heavenly Father.

The Plan of Salvation

As a missionary, I taught this plan in many homes across England and Wales. However, I always felt a sense of sadness when I taught it. After all, I knew I was gay and I would often think “sounds like a great plan, I just wish it included me.” Can you imagine teaching discussion after discussion and feeling that way?

My personal understanding of the Plan of Happiness (as it seems to be referred to these days) has changed since then. I think God has thought of EVERYTHING. I don’t think the overall plan is just a cute little diagram that we draw on a chalkboard or put together with laminated pictures. I believe that it’s MUCH more involved than that. I believe a loving Heavenly Father has pulled out ALL of the stops and thought of everyone. Why would He send His children away and only have the faithful LDS return to Him?

As His son, I believe that He knows me very well and that He accepts that I’m gay. After all, I received a blessing from a bishop that told me in no uncertain terms that I agreed to it before I came to earth. It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. I don’t think my purpose here on earth is to overcome or cure my “gayness”. I believe my purpose is to remind people that He is in charge and that He has provided us the ultimate gift: a willing, able Savior who makes it possible for ALL of God’s children to return to Him.

The Book of Mormon

Is it a bunch of bullcrap or is it a sacred record? Does science and archaeology prove or disprove the actuality of these events happening? My response will be unacceptable to some. Honestly, I go by how I feel when I read it. Sure, I don’t get why Nephi had to kill Laban when murder is a bad thing. I’m very confused by the actual translation process Joseph Smith employed versus the depiction I was taught growing up in the church. I struggle with timelines and locations and other descriptions that have made me skeptical at times.

At the end of the day, I’ve read it many times and I feel closer to God by having done so. I have developed a stronger love of Jesus Christ by studying and teaching from the Book of Mormon. The account of His visit to ancient America is incredibly moving to me. I’ve imagined being there many times, feeling what those people felt when they pleaded with Him not to leave. I don’t know for a fact that the Book of Mormon is true, but I hope that it is. Through my own experiences and my own study, I believe that the Book of Mormon can bring people closer to Jesus Christ.

Admittedly, I haven’t read it for a few years. I’m open to reading it again. While I don’t think it’s going to cure me of my sexuality or change my desire to build a life with a sweet man, I DO think I can continue to learn about and feel increased love towards Jesus Christ. Because of that, I refuse to dismiss it as bull. I understand why others do, but I’m not willing to do that.

Joseph Smith

This one is really tough. There are so many different opinions, accounts and records and troubling realizations as to who he was. I grew up having a deep love for him. I felt such peace and strong conviction when I’d sing “Praise to the Man” growing up. I can understand (through my own study) how an apostasy occurred and how a restoration was necessary. I believe in the idea of a restored church and modern-day revelation.

I have cherished memories of visiting the upstairs room in the Smith log house and the kitchen in the Smith frame house. I’ve been to the Sacred Grove more than once. I was fascinated by stories I heard at the Grandin building where the Book of Mormon was first printed. Some of the most meaningful, spiritual experiences I’ve had in my life were in notable places from Joseph’s life: Carthage, Liberty Jail, doing a session at the Nauvoo temple, visiting the Kirtland temple, Whitney Store and School of Prophets where many revelations in the Doctrine & Covenants were received. Adam-ondi-Ahman, Far West, Jackson County, I’ve done it all.

Here is the reason I can’t let go of my hope in Joseph Smith: In almost every single one of those locations, I felt something powerful and intense. Something I don't usually feel and something that was more than just a biological reaction. Because of these feelings, I am strongly convinced and hope with all of my heart that Joseph Smith was a man of God. I believe that he was foreordained and that he will play a prominent role hereafter in representing our dispensation.

Some of you will just cringe or become angry by this declaration. I can’t say that I know without a doubt that he was a prophet of God. But I will stand by the experiences I’ve had as a student of his life and say, without apology, that I find him to be fascinating, flawed, and faithful. I’m aware of his many wives, some of them teenagers. One only needs to truly dig into church history to become confused and frustrated by things that have come up about him. Many will dismiss Joseph Smith as a fraud, and I get why. But I can’t do that.

Temples and Garments

Receiving my endowment from the temple was a step to getting my mission call. I have great memories of the first few times I went to the temple. My late father was somewhat estranged to me growing up. We became quite close around the time I left for my mission. He was my temple escort and I have warm memories of sitting by him and sharing that experience with him.

Without going into a lot of detail, I will also say that seeing my mom and dad get re-sealed was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I felt something that I don’t usually feel. I could’ve sworn the ceiling was going to open up and angels were going to appear. Don’t roll your eyes, cynics. It really was an amazing experience for me and for my family.

These days, I feel some sadness when it comes to the temple. I’m open to the idea of temple work. I’m open to the idea that there are steps God’s children need to take before returning to His presence. That idea is not ridiculous to me. I find some of the symbolism and ordinances to be quite beautiful. But I also feel that I made covenants in the temple when I was trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I was young and my heart wanted so badly to get out on my mission. I would deal with the gay thing later and hope that it just went away through faithful service.

I don’t wear garments anymore. I’ve had people in my life become upset and express their judgment or major concern as they’ve noticed this change. I even wore Hanes white t-shirts for a while under my clothes so that I wouldn’t upset anyone. It was a very painful decision that I made over a period of time. I just felt extreme sadness when I’d wear them. So I stopped.

Some will find fault with that decision. Others will understand. I guess I should just share that I would never disrespect what goes on in temples. I’m not sure I agree with all of it, but in theory, I think much of it is beautiful. I’m just not sure it includes me since I’m a gay man who has every intention of finding love and building a life with another man.

I feel like the temple is like a Disneyland fairytale to most members of the church. Now let me explain before you get upset. My straight friends in the church get to date whomever they want and they get to be sealed with a promise that their union will last forever. Not only that, but children who come from that union will always belong to an eternal family unit. How beautiful is that? I want that! What an incentive to participate and do the things that are necessary to ensure that those promised blessing are realized. Sign me up! I’d get all of my home teaching done. I’d hold 3 callings. I’d faithfully attend church and attend the temple at least twice a month. Oh wait, I’m gay. I don’t get that same privilege. Well, unless I settle for a quality of life that is nowhere near what others are experiencing.

I find that most of the people in my life who expect me to marry a woman or to remain alone wouldn’t be willing to consider that same sentence or existence in their own lives. Or, if they would, could they have lasted as long as I have? Some could last longer and be stronger and prove more faithful, perhaps. But I will always take comfort in the uniqueness of my background, my upbringing, and my strengths and my weaknesses. What someone else does with a similar set of challenges is none of my business because the details are different, and therefore, the expectation differs as well. I’m done comparing myself to other people in this harmful way.

I guess that sums up my feelings about temples. I’ll just add that one of my favorite Primary songs growing up was “I Love to See the Temple”. I was one of the most enthusiastic youths ever to go and perform baptisms for the dead. I spent a portion of my life visiting as many temples in the U.S. as I could. Now, I just feel a lot of sadness and I can feel like the temple experience isn’t one that’s offered to me. All because I’m gay and won’t agree to a life of loneliness anymore.

I miss attending the temple. I feel intense sorrow for not being able to keep some of the covenants I made when I was younger. We’ll see what happens in the next 20-30 years. Until then, I’ll admire the temples from outside of their walls and remember the good experiences I had when I was worthy.

Worthiness is a whole other topic. For now, I'll just say that I try to live a life that is positive and about doing good. I can't think of anything that I do that is so grievous or that causes others harm other than being gay and finally being open to date men (in my late 30's).

Missionary Work

I always wanted to go on a mission. Yes, I may have felt some pressure to go. Not necessarily by my family or parents. Some of us served missions, some of us didn’t. I felt pressure by the LDS community as a whole to go. Luckily, it was an experience I always wanted to have.

Because I kissed a boy when I was 18, I ended up having to wait until I was 21 to turn in my mission papers (it was the 90’s). I was 22 when I finally started my mission. That period of my life was extremely difficult. I faced ridiculous amounts of questions, judgment and speculation as to why I wasn’t on a mission yet. It was the second-most painful period of my life.

Eventually, I got to go and totally enjoyed the experience. I’m still in touch with several friends from England and Wales and well as a number of mission companions and cohorts I served with. I had many great experiences and will always look back on my mission with gratitude.

However, I’ll admit that I don’t understand how or why young men and women are prepared or qualified to tell people to live their lives differently. I get that Jesus Himself commanded His disciples to go out into the world and teach all nations. I’m all for any efforts to bring people to a knowledge of a Savior and some of the other great things I taught as a missionary. I just feel bad about some of the judgments and direction I gave to people when I had no life experience of my own to do so.

I’ll admit that this is one of those areas where I don’t understand God’s ways. If missionary work truly comes from Him, then there must be a reason He has young people serve in this capacity. Sure, I have theories and ideas as to why. I think that serving a mission can set up a young man or woman to be productive and effective in a number of ways that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. I just remember telling gay people they couldn’t be gay or telling baptized people that their baptisms didn’t count because it wasn’t in our church. I see now how that must’ve felt to them at the time. Also, there are questions that truly deserve to be answered with something more than “I know it’s true, just pray about it.” I know the idea is that the Spirit does the teaching and touching of hearts while the missionary is just an instrument. Even so, I have mixed feelings about some of the things I taught back then.

Patriarchal Blessings

This is another painful area for me. On one hand, my blessing says that I knew the Lord well before I came to earth. To me, that means that I walked and talked with Him. Wow! Can you imagine? I’m sure if I knew Him well, then many of us knew Him well. I’m not that special. But still, that always felt so good to think that little ole Nate was a contemporary of Jesus. I won’t share more than that on the plus side except to say that some of my blessing brings me great comfort because of what is promised.

But then there’s the promise that I’ll meet a young lady and be sealed and we’ll have kids. I have struggled with this portion of my blessing ever since I first received it as a 17 year old. You’ll just have to trust me that I’ve tried and tried to make it happen. After all, patriarchal blessings are not guarantees of what will happen. They’re conditioned upon our faithfulness. I just don’t see how this particular promise could ever be fulfilled despite being devoted and faithful for so long.

“Well Nate, maybe it’s not meant for this lifetime.” But, aren’t these kinds of blessings given as a guide for this mortal experience? And why does everyone else get what was promised to them? Other people actually WANT what was promised to them. I’ve prayed and prayed to WANT marriage with a woman. I’ve taken a variety of actions to make this happen. In the end, I have doubts about my patriarchal blessing. I have questioned its validity at times. But I have also felt tremendous peace as I’ve reviewed other parts of it throughout my adult life.

In the end, I just keep the parts of my blessing that bring me comfort in my heart. The painful parts of it feel like a tease or a cruel joke at times. But I don’t totally discount the blessing altogether.

Recent Church Policy Changes

Nothing has hurt me more as a gay member of the church than being labeled in the official church handbook as an “Apostate” and then having apostles state that we don’t believe in labels and that “we are not defined by sexual behavior”. Then why dismiss me so coldly as an apostate when I’ve spent my life trying to serve and be like Jesus? Why prevent my someday kids from being baptized when I have a goal of raising them with a love of Jesus?

I could on and on here. Suffice it to say that I do everything I can to give the Brethren the benefit of the doubt. I try to consider what they were trying to say instead of what was actually said that was offensive. I try to recognize these men as “special witnesses of Christ” and hold their callings with respect and admiration. I try to separate what is actual revelation from what is personal opinion or bias. But one by one, I hear some of them say certain things that are becoming increasingly heart breaking. I can’t say that I would hear Jesus Himself say some of the same things.

General Conference is approaching. I remember a time when I’d look forward to it and watch every session eagerly. I still try to watch, but while some of you can’t wait to be nourished by the good word of God, I’ve come to dread it in some ways. Not all of it. I’m capable of feeling the spirit through the music and many of the messages that are given. I like ideas on how to improve and be a better person. But then it happens every single time: Something is said that crushes my spirit for the next few weeks or months and I wonder why I keep setting myself up to be hurt again.

Summary

I can’t make everyone happy. I’m going to focus less on that impossible, unattainable notion. I’m going to make myself happy and, at the same time, do it in a way that pleases God. I will fall short on both counts at times, but that makes me no different than any of you.

I wouldn’t be happy leaving the church completely. I wouldn’t be happy agreeing to a life of total loneliness or marriage with a woman. I have a different hand of cards and I’m playing them in the best way I can. I get frustrated when others try to play my hand for me.

I have a clear conscience before the Lord and I feel like I’m in good standing with the way I live my life. I may have friends and family members that either don’t approve or fully agree with the way I’m approaching things. But I hope that sharing what I’ve presented helps. If it doesn’t, the problem lies with them, not with me. It took me years to realize that.

My testimony counts. It matters. I may not be able or willing to proclaim “I know!” What I’ve shared wasn’t spoken from a pulpit in a church meeting. I may be struggling in some ways and be mighty in other ways. All things considered, I’m still willing to share it. I can still give an earnest “I hope” and “I believe” on many things. By the way, each and every one of the church’s Articles of Faith begins with “We believe”. I think Heavenly Father accepts that. I know I finally do.

I could spend time approving or disapproving of how various people in my life are living their lives. There are members of the church who attend every week who I observe as some of the saddest or most depressed people I know. There are other members of the church who attend faithfully and seem to get it. They have joy and a light about them and they are able to maintain a really healthy balance. There are gay guys I’ve met who seem extremely happy without any kind of affiliation with the church. I didn’t think that level of happiness was possible outside of the church, but they’ve shown me otherwise. There are other gay guys who place importance on ridiculous things and whom I would never want to emulate. There are ex-Mo’s who have found a way to feel peace with the church being nothing but a distant memory. There are other ex-Mo’s who seem to be more conflicted than I’ve ever been.

Through it all, I want to receive all of them willingly and readily. I hope they can do the same for me. But even if they can’t, I will move forward. That’s something I’d like all of my readers to consider. If your support system shows up for you, how will that help you achieve your personal goals? When your support system doesn’t show up for you in the ways you’d like, or they don't agree with you on every point, how will you keep your head held high and focus on personal progress?

I’m blessed to have the support of many in my life. I try to give a lot of love and I am lucky to receive a lot of love. But as much as that love is appreciated and even needed at times, I’m more and more prepared to rely less on that support and rely more on myself and on a God who loves me dearly.

Happy to Say: "I'm okay"

So, this is my first post of 2016. There’s been a lot I’ve wanted to say, about a lot of different topics, but I haven’t been sure how to word it in a way that’s useful to anyone. However, the past month has given me some added perspective and I’m ready to share again. I hope this is helpful to some of my readers.

Over the past few months, the following events have occurred in my life:

1.       One family member called me to repentance since my last post. He/She stated that I was slipping away and leading many others in the wrong direction.

2.       Another family member asked me why the gays don’t just build their own church.

3.       Another family member refused to give me his/her blessing to find happiness in my own way (finding a great guy to build a life with). When I asked this family member if they still thought I could be happy marrying a woman or by being lonely and celibate, they responded affirmatively (despite seeing me miserable for years as I’ve tried to consider both of those options).

4.       I was laid off from my job.

5.       For the past 13 days, I’ve been unable to walk. Standing on my feet currently causes me intense pain. I have a separate foot condition (gout) and my meds regulate that. Incidentally, I have three other family members who also have gout. But this latest issue is something new and different. My Cobra insurance hasn’t kicked in yet, so I haven’t seen my doctor about it. But I’ve endured a lot of physical pain while being confined to my bed or my couch.

Now, this isn’t a sob story. I’m not asking for pity at all. Nor am I putting my family on blast. At the end of the day, I have a family who loves me and wants the best for me. We just can’t see eye to eye on the gay thing. I share these events to give some context into the rest of this entry.

The easiest way to catch you up without having a clear message this time around is to categorize. Here’s how I’m doing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, romantically and spiritually. I hope that this update is encouraging to many of you. The whole point is that if you can say "I'm okay" during the hard times, that's a triumph.


Physically

Since the lay-off, I decided to make fitness a bigger priority. In fact, I’m in a contest with a few friends to lose weight. It was all going pretty well until about 2 weeks ago when I couldn’t step on my right foot. I started using crutches and primarily used my left foot to get around. But then, applying any pressure on my left foot was intensely painful as well.

My brother Neil has been an amazing nurse during this time of incapacitation. He’s been my on-call gopher and has infused this trying time with humor and the patience of angels. Heck, I’ve had to pee into bottles and he’s emptied them over and over again. Just keeping it real, guys and gals. He sat with me during a panic attack and was totally present during my general sense of apathy and restlessness that comes from being immobile and in a great deal of pain.

During this fortnight from hell, I’ve had time to reflect and was reminded of a few things. Physical health is a privilege. If you are in good health, whether through good habits, good genetics or good luck, please get on your knees and thank our Heavenly Father for that blessing. I’m grateful for the body I’ve been given. A recent physical has me in great health otherwise, but man, these 2 weeks have been among the most trying I’ve experienced in recent years.

Another thing I realized is that I have a unique relationship with my brother Neil. I may not have romantic love in my life at this time, but I've been reminded that having a triplet brother who would drop everything to be by your side when in need is something that I get to experience in a way that is especially deep and special. Having a triplet brother and a triplet sister is like having a built-in, automatic best guy friend and best girl friend. I should thank my mom for that. She raised us to appreciate that connection and to love each other. Throughout the years, the three of us have shown up for each other in ways that I feel are extraordinary. I needed a reminder of how special my bond with Neil is and how lucky I am to have been born with two wombmates. The past 2 weeks have certainly done that. 

As a quick update, I’m feeling the pain go away. I plan to see my doctor about it and get an official diagnosis once my Cobra is active. I’m guessing that it’s plantar fasciitis, but my symptoms don’t match that description perfectly (stay away from WebMD, it’s scary!). I will get right back on track with my fitness contest, even if these 2 weeks have put me behind the competition. I’ll just have to approach it carefully and put more emphasis on the nutrition part of my regimen. 

I've been mindful of some of my friends who don't have full use of their bodies. It was humbling to think that they've moved on, found effective ways to deal with the hand they were dealt, and they do so ably and beautifully, so what am I complaining about? It reminded me that I can handle my lot in life with more grace and acceptance.  

Mentally

I suppose things are good here. Don’t see any major issues. That said, I’ve come to realize that denying yourself of dating and romantic relationships for 35 years does some things to you mentally. It has stunted my development in a variety of ways. I’ll be dealing with that for the rest of my life. In addition, when you’re very clear that a number of your family members disapprove of choices you’re making, it can mess with you, especially when you’re already at such odds with who you are versus who you’re supposed to be. But I’m working on making it work – for me. 

Emotionally

This is the most challenging area of 2016 so far, even more so than the physical setbacks of the past 2 weeks. I’m still so upset about the church policy changes, the number of gay suicides within the church, the church’s response, the statements made by church officials, and the insensitive or uninformed comments I continue to see on this whole topic from those who seem to have never met a gay person in their lives. I haven’t blogged about my feelings on these changes for a while because it’s a very emotional thing and I haven’t been able to find the right way to articulate my thoughts. But I stand with the LGBT youth of the church. I know how they feel. I know how dark it can get. I know that they don’t have many options in their circumstances when the very people who should love them the most turn them away. To these individuals: I love you and I'll continue to walk with you.

These policy changes were quietly tucked into the latest version of the church handbook and it came to light somewhat unintentionally, as I understand it. Some argue about the way these changes came to be known (Reddit, John Dehlin, etc), but that’s irrelevant. A couple of days later, a video with Elder Christofferson is released from the church about why the policy is a positive thing but offers no comfort or clarification, at least, not to me. A week passes by and the policy is revised to allow already-baptized children within same-sex parent households to maintain their membership. We don’t hear much else about it until two months later when Elder Nelson announced that what started as quiet little policy change was actual direct revelation from God. In the same address, Elder Nelson’s wife challenged the gays to just pray the gay away, as if we’d never thought of that. A month later, Elder Oaks is asked how he feels about the gay suicide crisis that’s occurring among LDS youth. His response was that he will be accountable to a higher authority for what he’s taught on the topic and adds that “Nobody is sadder about a case like that than I am.” I appreciate the sentiment, but I can think of several people who are sadder by this suicide epidemic happening than he is.

I’m not here to trash-talk the Apostles of the LDS church. Even now, I tune into conference to listen to what they say and I try my best to apply it where I can. I hold great reverence for their calling. However, I’m okay stating publically that I simply cannot agree with these policies and the intense pain they’ve caused me and many others I know and love. It doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t understand all of God’s ways, none of us do. But this direct revelation from Him just doesn’t feel good to me. I can't accept that it comes from God. I think it’s okay to question and to challenge things like this when they don’t sit right in my heart. The Brethren have admitted to being wrong in the past and President Uchtdorf has challenged us to understand and be forgiving when it comes to these imperfections from men that many esteem as perfect or near-perfect.

I think a member of the church can hold to their beliefs and, at the same time, wish me happiness, even if it means finding a great guy to spend my life with. I think they’re separate things. But I don’t get to control how or if or at what level that support is offered by others. I just struggle with the idea of refusing to wish someone happiness just because they might approach obtaining it in a different way.

As for being called to repentance, I was very upset upon receiving the message. It made me wonder if this family member was just skimming what I was writing on this blog or taking time to fully digest it and understand me. This blog was meant to show my love and support of the church, but also, to help other members of the church understand what a tricky thing it is to love the church when the church increasingly doesn’t love me. Entry after entry, I feel like I’ve taken great care to speak well of the church, even while being honest about my experience as a gay member.

In the end, I decided to put the rebuke aside for now until we can chat about it in person. Since then, I can’t seem to shake my sadness for being called out this way, especially when I’ve made it abundantly clear time and time again that I still have a love of the church and that I’m trying my best to remain a part of it, even if that’s becoming increasingly difficult. I was told that even though I might think I was doing some good in the world, I was not. 

I feel like I’m saving lives. Now that might sound like I believe I’m a superhero. I’m not. But I have had numerous parents and members of the LGBT community reach out to me with gratitude and heartfelt expressions. They read my blog and feel hopeful that they can have a strong relationship with God and be gay at the same time. THAT is the message I want to send and will continue to send. "Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not, I have failed indeed." 

The message I received from this family member didn’t feel very reassuring in that regard, all because I’m not making the exact same choices he/she is making. This member of my family is truly one of my favorite people on earth, but he/she refuses to see that I'm having a completely different experience in the church than he/she is having. I’m clear that God loves me and has my salvation in mind. But my family member doesn’t seem to think I stand a chance of being with God again unless I agree to loneliness and celibacy or marrying a woman.

Elsewhere in this area, the lay-off knocked me down a peg or two, but I can’t take it personally. I worked for a start-up company and it was run by 2 families. I enjoyed the job and the people I worked with, but ultimately, when cuts needed to be made, it made sense that I was on the chopping block. After all, I wasn’t family. Still, getting laid-off never feels good. You always question yourself: “Maybe if I’d been more exceptional, more dedicated, more talented, I wouldn’t have been laid off.” I’ve reached a level of acceptance and can now look back and just be grateful for the experience. They were good to me, I was good to them, and I learned a lot during my time working for them. That’s a good thing.

Recent exchanges with some family members has filled the bulk of my emotional plate. Put simply, we love each other very much. We just disagree on the way I should find happiness. When I assure some of them that I simply can’t be happy marrying a woman or being single, celibate and lonely for another 38 years, they think I CAN be happy with those two options. Their beliefs and their faith tells them so. But my own experience, wisdom and first-hand accounts can't compete with that kind of faith. They KNOW better than I do what is best for me.

As much as I wish they could look at it from my point of view, I’ve got to be willing to look at it from theirs. I’ll never have a wedding with the full support and acceptance that my siblings all seemed to enjoy, and I’ve just got to accept that. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me, it just means that they need to love me in the way they know how to, in a way they feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, I’m lucky to have love and support from my family, even if it’s not in the exact way I’d like it. Not everyone can say that. 

Socially

I’ve been a recluse for the past month. I’m generally not anti-social. I just think the combination of losing my job and then the health issue with my feet has kept me away. Most of closest friends have seen me recently, but I’ll admit, I’ve flaked out and cancelled plans on a few people.

I’ll repair whatever damages I’ve caused with friends and family. Nothing major to fix, thank goodness. I’ve just realized that sometimes, you’ve got to just check out and be unavailable. By doing that from time to time, it makes you MORE available in the end.

To anyone in my life who has noticed I haven’t been as available in the past month, I apologize. I just needed some time to process things. I didn't have the energy to fake it. I’ll be a better friend, brother, son, uncle, etc by doing so. I don’t intend to go back to Hermitville. Just needed some time. 

Romantically

There’s nothing too exciting to report here, especially with some recent setbacks. But I’m excited to get back to the dating game as I feel better. I’ve come to the realization that I end up in the friend zone a lot. There were 2 different guys that I was chatting with. We’d check in with each other often and seemingly, I thought that things might lead to something more. The next thing I know, they’re both in relationships with other guys. I guess I’m really great to chat with, I’m just not graduating to the “date me, kiss me” level.

I wonder if I just make myself too available as a nice, supportive guy and I get thrown into the friend zone from the beginning. While I’ll take some time to consider my approach and my overall “game”, I don’t plan on changing much. I’m just going to be me, the best version of me, and trust that doing so will lead me to a great guy. Still, I’d love to be the guy that’s flirted with and who is found desirable and dateable. I seem to just be the guy who’s good for a witty or supportive chat. Not too worried, I’m just aware that I’m giving off something that makes guys read: “friend”. 

Spiritually

I’ll admit, through the sheer hell and pain of the past 2 weeks, I’ve turned to prayer more than I usually do. Typical, isn’t it? When things go well, we forget to pray and say thanks. But when something goes wrong, we look upward and ask “Why me?!”

Through the most stressful, scary or hopeless moments of the past 2 weeks, I’ve wondered where God is and if He’s listening to me. If so, why is he allowing me to feel so much pain for so long? I know, sounds dramatic. But yeah, I began to doubt. Anyway, I have felt peace and comfort. I have felt his loving influence for me personally, even if this physical condition wasn’t taken away immediately.

Some people have misconceptions about gay guys in the church. I still have faith, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that through Him, I can be forgiven and return to God. I check in with Heavenly Father and constantly have Him and what He wants for me on my mind. Constantly. No really, guys. CONSTANTLY. I feel peace. I think that some of my family and friends would like me to report that I feel major discord in my relationship with God as I set about dating men. But I don’t. If anything, I feel His love in greater abundance.

I constantly measure what I need versus what others need from me when it comes to religion and God. For now, I don’t feel a need to leave the LDS church. I don’t want to leave. At the same time, I don’t participate as fully as I once did. I used to stress out about that and think how disappointed God must be in me for not being more involved. But I’ve calmed down and refuse to feel that much stress about it anymore. I’m just doing the best I can and keeping an open mind and heart, and I think that’s good enough for God, even if it’s not enough for others. 

Summary

As full as my emotional plate has been in January and February, I feel good. I feel a sense of peace and calm. My problems are mine, and I own them. They’re not greater or lesser than yours, they’re just different. I’m inclined to think that the rest of 2016 must be better than the start of the year, but even if it isn’t, I’m prepared to face it head on.

The job hunt will work out. Relationships with family members will strengthen. My feet will heal. My weekends will be more exciting. I’ll find someone who wants more than friendship. I’ll handle any challenge with God on my side. I'm winning the war by winning one battle at a time. Maybe by my next post, I'll be back to saying "I'm great!" For now, I feel a tremendous sense of victory by being able to look back at the past 2 months and declare: "I’m okay."

What I Want In a Partner

Opening note: There are far more important topics for discussion than little ole me and my love life (or lack thereof). But since you’re visiting my blog, and the whole purpose of my blog is to explore my faith journey while navigating my sexuality, please indulge me.

I’m going to put church stuff aside this time and concentrate more on love and my quest for a fulfilling relationship.

As you may know, I maintained an anonymous blog 4 years ago. I’m much more open and willing to share these days, name attached and all, not much to hide. But, in September of 2011, I wrote a blog entry that was pretty challenging for me to write at that time. It was entitled “What I Really Want In a Relationship With Another Man”. Click here to go back in time with me and see what I wrote.

It was difficult to give voice to what I actually wanted. After all, I’ve spent most of my life putting aside what I really want and instead, settled for things I was supposed to want or expected to want. I’ll readily admit that I put most of that expectation on myself. But it was SO freeing to put my thoughts into words and put it out there, even if it was under an anonymous blog. It felt good to express it, even in a limited way.

In 2011, I wasn’t exactly open to the idea of dating and actually going after these things. I was “all talk” and not sure if I could actually pursue a relationship or give myself to another man and feel like I was in good standing with the Lord. While it was nice to voice my desires, I just didn’t see how I could actually pursue them. My views have evolved quite a bit since then.

This new entry is written with that old blog article in mind. But this time, I can share freely without the need to hide my name. I want to share the things I’m searching for in a relationship for a few reasons:

1.    To put it out there. You know…it’s the Secret! Put it out into the universe and it will come back to you. Haha. Okay, not sure I believe that. But I DO believe in voicing what you want and the power of positive thinking. Being willing to share what you want with others makes it more likely that you’ll get it.

2.    To give others hope. There are others who, like me, have said no to love or the chance of a relationship because of their religious convictions. I can only speak for me when I say that I feel peace in my relationship with God while pursuing a relationship with a man even though the church I belong to regards such relationships as sinful, perverted and counterfeit.

3.    To cut to the chase. I plan on sending all of my future first dates to this blog entry. It’ll save so much time! I’m totally kidding on this one. But I am interested to see what “2015 Nate” wants compared to what “2020 Nate” will want in 5 years. It’ll be interesting to look back and see how this account changes.

I recently expressed to friends (in person and through Facebook) that I don’t want to spend the holidays alone anymore. It has truly sucked all these years to celebrate them without someone special in my life. While I wasn’t necessarily looking for dating advice, some friends offered that all I needed to find someone is the courage to say hello. As well-intentioned as comments like that are, that’s not why I’m single. If I can so freely share some of my innermost thoughts and feelings on this blog, I can certainly work up the nerve to say hi to someone.

I’m single because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve permitted myself to even consider the idea of dating men. For a couple of those years, I was hung up on a man I was in love with and I wasn’t really open to pursuing anyone else. In addition to that, the ongoing wrestle that I was having with my upbringing, my own beliefs and the expectations of others has simply been crippling at times. To reduce my experience to a dating tip such as “you just need to say hi to someone” isn’t helpful.

This entry is to boldly proclaim that I am ready to love. Ready to give it. Ready to receive it. Fully. Deeply. Madly. Unconditionally.

It took some doing to get to this point. It doesn’t mean I’ve let go of all of my previously held religious beliefs. But it does mean that I’ve finally found a balance where I can love God and love another man and feel good about both kinds of love.

With this in mind, here is a quick list of things I’m looking for in a relationship: 

• I want to be loved.
• I want to be adored.
• I want to be desired.
• I want to matter.
• I want to be someone’s top priority.
• I want to be considered.
• I want to be regarded.
• I want to be cherished.
• I want to be touched.
• I want to be kissed regularly.
• I want to be held.
• I want to be pleased.
• I want to be listened to.
• I want to be validated.
• I want to be challenged.
• I want to cuddle and have interesting conversations.
• I want random funny or sexy texts just to check in, make me laugh or turn me on.
• I want gifts for birthdays and Christmas that are thoughtful or creative.
• I want full access to touch and be touched.
• I want a man to appreciate where I’ve come from and where I’m going. 

There, that’s good to start with. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable, these are things most people want. I’m willing to give every single one of these things to my man. In addition, I think I’m justified in wanting these things considering that I’ve gone my whole life without the joys of a romantic relationship.

I’m not expecting a fairy tale and I don’t expect perfection. But there are some things that I believe should be in place, amidst the frailties and imperfections that my future partner and I will exhibit. I’ll take the good and the bad.

In short, I just want a guy to reciprocate. I’m prepared to love a man pretty completely and intensely. I recognize that, as new as I am, it might take more than one relationship to find what I’m looking for. But I’m also making up for lost time, so I am hopeful that my time on the sidelines has served some purpose.

I have no idea what if feels like to like someone on a deep level and actually have them like me back. Finding that ideal is one of my top goals for 2016. I’m ready and I intend to finally make this a reality. I think about how my life could be affected for the better if I had that. I can be complete and happy without it. I’m my own person. But, let’s be honest: Love is power and I’m ready to experience that level of power.

I’ll close with a quote from a recent episode of “Modern Family”: 

Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.

I’ve gone on long enough (as always), but I could write a whole entry about how this quote applies to me. Instead, I’ll just say that I find it interesting and true in some ways (and beautiful in many ways).

I hope this article doesn’t come across as though I’m the only person who has ever been lonely or without love. Many of my married friends are lonelier within their marriages than I am. But, you have to admit, my experience is a little unique. I’m 38 and only now am I ready to seek a boyfriend. I feel like such a teenager.

My love and support goes out to any of my readers who are also in search of love and haven’t found it for whatever reason. I love you and hope you find your version of love.