Happy to Say: "I'm okay"

So, this is my first post of 2016. There’s been a lot I’ve wanted to say, about a lot of different topics, but I haven’t been sure how to word it in a way that’s useful to anyone. However, the past month has given me some added perspective and I’m ready to share again. I hope this is helpful to some of my readers.

Over the past few months, the following events have occurred in my life:

1.       One family member called me to repentance since my last post. He/She stated that I was slipping away and leading many others in the wrong direction.

2.       Another family member asked me why the gays don’t just build their own church.

3.       Another family member refused to give me his/her blessing to find happiness in my own way (finding a great guy to build a life with). When I asked this family member if they still thought I could be happy marrying a woman or by being lonely and celibate, they responded affirmatively (despite seeing me miserable for years as I’ve tried to consider both of those options).

4.       I was laid off from my job.

5.       For the past 13 days, I’ve been unable to walk. Standing on my feet currently causes me intense pain. I have a separate foot condition (gout) and my meds regulate that. Incidentally, I have three other family members who also have gout. But this latest issue is something new and different. My Cobra insurance hasn’t kicked in yet, so I haven’t seen my doctor about it. But I’ve endured a lot of physical pain while being confined to my bed or my couch.

Now, this isn’t a sob story. I’m not asking for pity at all. Nor am I putting my family on blast. At the end of the day, I have a family who loves me and wants the best for me. We just can’t see eye to eye on the gay thing. I share these events to give some context into the rest of this entry.

The easiest way to catch you up without having a clear message this time around is to categorize. Here’s how I’m doing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, romantically and spiritually. I hope that this update is encouraging to many of you. The whole point is that if you can say "I'm okay" during the hard times, that's a triumph.


Physically

Since the lay-off, I decided to make fitness a bigger priority. In fact, I’m in a contest with a few friends to lose weight. It was all going pretty well until about 2 weeks ago when I couldn’t step on my right foot. I started using crutches and primarily used my left foot to get around. But then, applying any pressure on my left foot was intensely painful as well.

My brother Neil has been an amazing nurse during this time of incapacitation. He’s been my on-call gopher and has infused this trying time with humor and the patience of angels. Heck, I’ve had to pee into bottles and he’s emptied them over and over again. Just keeping it real, guys and gals. He sat with me during a panic attack and was totally present during my general sense of apathy and restlessness that comes from being immobile and in a great deal of pain.

During this fortnight from hell, I’ve had time to reflect and was reminded of a few things. Physical health is a privilege. If you are in good health, whether through good habits, good genetics or good luck, please get on your knees and thank our Heavenly Father for that blessing. I’m grateful for the body I’ve been given. A recent physical has me in great health otherwise, but man, these 2 weeks have been among the most trying I’ve experienced in recent years.

Another thing I realized is that I have a unique relationship with my brother Neil. I may not have romantic love in my life at this time, but I've been reminded that having a triplet brother who would drop everything to be by your side when in need is something that I get to experience in a way that is especially deep and special. Having a triplet brother and a triplet sister is like having a built-in, automatic best guy friend and best girl friend. I should thank my mom for that. She raised us to appreciate that connection and to love each other. Throughout the years, the three of us have shown up for each other in ways that I feel are extraordinary. I needed a reminder of how special my bond with Neil is and how lucky I am to have been born with two wombmates. The past 2 weeks have certainly done that. 

As a quick update, I’m feeling the pain go away. I plan to see my doctor about it and get an official diagnosis once my Cobra is active. I’m guessing that it’s plantar fasciitis, but my symptoms don’t match that description perfectly (stay away from WebMD, it’s scary!). I will get right back on track with my fitness contest, even if these 2 weeks have put me behind the competition. I’ll just have to approach it carefully and put more emphasis on the nutrition part of my regimen. 

I've been mindful of some of my friends who don't have full use of their bodies. It was humbling to think that they've moved on, found effective ways to deal with the hand they were dealt, and they do so ably and beautifully, so what am I complaining about? It reminded me that I can handle my lot in life with more grace and acceptance.  

Mentally

I suppose things are good here. Don’t see any major issues. That said, I’ve come to realize that denying yourself of dating and romantic relationships for 35 years does some things to you mentally. It has stunted my development in a variety of ways. I’ll be dealing with that for the rest of my life. In addition, when you’re very clear that a number of your family members disapprove of choices you’re making, it can mess with you, especially when you’re already at such odds with who you are versus who you’re supposed to be. But I’m working on making it work – for me. 

Emotionally

This is the most challenging area of 2016 so far, even more so than the physical setbacks of the past 2 weeks. I’m still so upset about the church policy changes, the number of gay suicides within the church, the church’s response, the statements made by church officials, and the insensitive or uninformed comments I continue to see on this whole topic from those who seem to have never met a gay person in their lives. I haven’t blogged about my feelings on these changes for a while because it’s a very emotional thing and I haven’t been able to find the right way to articulate my thoughts. But I stand with the LGBT youth of the church. I know how they feel. I know how dark it can get. I know that they don’t have many options in their circumstances when the very people who should love them the most turn them away. To these individuals: I love you and I'll continue to walk with you.

These policy changes were quietly tucked into the latest version of the church handbook and it came to light somewhat unintentionally, as I understand it. Some argue about the way these changes came to be known (Reddit, John Dehlin, etc), but that’s irrelevant. A couple of days later, a video with Elder Christofferson is released from the church about why the policy is a positive thing but offers no comfort or clarification, at least, not to me. A week passes by and the policy is revised to allow already-baptized children within same-sex parent households to maintain their membership. We don’t hear much else about it until two months later when Elder Nelson announced that what started as quiet little policy change was actual direct revelation from God. In the same address, Elder Nelson’s wife challenged the gays to just pray the gay away, as if we’d never thought of that. A month later, Elder Oaks is asked how he feels about the gay suicide crisis that’s occurring among LDS youth. His response was that he will be accountable to a higher authority for what he’s taught on the topic and adds that “Nobody is sadder about a case like that than I am.” I appreciate the sentiment, but I can think of several people who are sadder by this suicide epidemic happening than he is.

I’m not here to trash-talk the Apostles of the LDS church. Even now, I tune into conference to listen to what they say and I try my best to apply it where I can. I hold great reverence for their calling. However, I’m okay stating publically that I simply cannot agree with these policies and the intense pain they’ve caused me and many others I know and love. It doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t understand all of God’s ways, none of us do. But this direct revelation from Him just doesn’t feel good to me. I can't accept that it comes from God. I think it’s okay to question and to challenge things like this when they don’t sit right in my heart. The Brethren have admitted to being wrong in the past and President Uchtdorf has challenged us to understand and be forgiving when it comes to these imperfections from men that many esteem as perfect or near-perfect.

I think a member of the church can hold to their beliefs and, at the same time, wish me happiness, even if it means finding a great guy to spend my life with. I think they’re separate things. But I don’t get to control how or if or at what level that support is offered by others. I just struggle with the idea of refusing to wish someone happiness just because they might approach obtaining it in a different way.

As for being called to repentance, I was very upset upon receiving the message. It made me wonder if this family member was just skimming what I was writing on this blog or taking time to fully digest it and understand me. This blog was meant to show my love and support of the church, but also, to help other members of the church understand what a tricky thing it is to love the church when the church increasingly doesn’t love me. Entry after entry, I feel like I’ve taken great care to speak well of the church, even while being honest about my experience as a gay member.

In the end, I decided to put the rebuke aside for now until we can chat about it in person. Since then, I can’t seem to shake my sadness for being called out this way, especially when I’ve made it abundantly clear time and time again that I still have a love of the church and that I’m trying my best to remain a part of it, even if that’s becoming increasingly difficult. I was told that even though I might think I was doing some good in the world, I was not. 

I feel like I’m saving lives. Now that might sound like I believe I’m a superhero. I’m not. But I have had numerous parents and members of the LGBT community reach out to me with gratitude and heartfelt expressions. They read my blog and feel hopeful that they can have a strong relationship with God and be gay at the same time. THAT is the message I want to send and will continue to send. "Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not, I have failed indeed." 

The message I received from this family member didn’t feel very reassuring in that regard, all because I’m not making the exact same choices he/she is making. This member of my family is truly one of my favorite people on earth, but he/she refuses to see that I'm having a completely different experience in the church than he/she is having. I’m clear that God loves me and has my salvation in mind. But my family member doesn’t seem to think I stand a chance of being with God again unless I agree to loneliness and celibacy or marrying a woman.

Elsewhere in this area, the lay-off knocked me down a peg or two, but I can’t take it personally. I worked for a start-up company and it was run by 2 families. I enjoyed the job and the people I worked with, but ultimately, when cuts needed to be made, it made sense that I was on the chopping block. After all, I wasn’t family. Still, getting laid-off never feels good. You always question yourself: “Maybe if I’d been more exceptional, more dedicated, more talented, I wouldn’t have been laid off.” I’ve reached a level of acceptance and can now look back and just be grateful for the experience. They were good to me, I was good to them, and I learned a lot during my time working for them. That’s a good thing.

Recent exchanges with some family members has filled the bulk of my emotional plate. Put simply, we love each other very much. We just disagree on the way I should find happiness. When I assure some of them that I simply can’t be happy marrying a woman or being single, celibate and lonely for another 38 years, they think I CAN be happy with those two options. Their beliefs and their faith tells them so. But my own experience, wisdom and first-hand accounts can't compete with that kind of faith. They KNOW better than I do what is best for me.

As much as I wish they could look at it from my point of view, I’ve got to be willing to look at it from theirs. I’ll never have a wedding with the full support and acceptance that my siblings all seemed to enjoy, and I’ve just got to accept that. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me, it just means that they need to love me in the way they know how to, in a way they feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, I’m lucky to have love and support from my family, even if it’s not in the exact way I’d like it. Not everyone can say that. 

Socially

I’ve been a recluse for the past month. I’m generally not anti-social. I just think the combination of losing my job and then the health issue with my feet has kept me away. Most of closest friends have seen me recently, but I’ll admit, I’ve flaked out and cancelled plans on a few people.

I’ll repair whatever damages I’ve caused with friends and family. Nothing major to fix, thank goodness. I’ve just realized that sometimes, you’ve got to just check out and be unavailable. By doing that from time to time, it makes you MORE available in the end.

To anyone in my life who has noticed I haven’t been as available in the past month, I apologize. I just needed some time to process things. I didn't have the energy to fake it. I’ll be a better friend, brother, son, uncle, etc by doing so. I don’t intend to go back to Hermitville. Just needed some time. 

Romantically

There’s nothing too exciting to report here, especially with some recent setbacks. But I’m excited to get back to the dating game as I feel better. I’ve come to the realization that I end up in the friend zone a lot. There were 2 different guys that I was chatting with. We’d check in with each other often and seemingly, I thought that things might lead to something more. The next thing I know, they’re both in relationships with other guys. I guess I’m really great to chat with, I’m just not graduating to the “date me, kiss me” level.

I wonder if I just make myself too available as a nice, supportive guy and I get thrown into the friend zone from the beginning. While I’ll take some time to consider my approach and my overall “game”, I don’t plan on changing much. I’m just going to be me, the best version of me, and trust that doing so will lead me to a great guy. Still, I’d love to be the guy that’s flirted with and who is found desirable and dateable. I seem to just be the guy who’s good for a witty or supportive chat. Not too worried, I’m just aware that I’m giving off something that makes guys read: “friend”. 

Spiritually

I’ll admit, through the sheer hell and pain of the past 2 weeks, I’ve turned to prayer more than I usually do. Typical, isn’t it? When things go well, we forget to pray and say thanks. But when something goes wrong, we look upward and ask “Why me?!”

Through the most stressful, scary or hopeless moments of the past 2 weeks, I’ve wondered where God is and if He’s listening to me. If so, why is he allowing me to feel so much pain for so long? I know, sounds dramatic. But yeah, I began to doubt. Anyway, I have felt peace and comfort. I have felt his loving influence for me personally, even if this physical condition wasn’t taken away immediately.

Some people have misconceptions about gay guys in the church. I still have faith, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that through Him, I can be forgiven and return to God. I check in with Heavenly Father and constantly have Him and what He wants for me on my mind. Constantly. No really, guys. CONSTANTLY. I feel peace. I think that some of my family and friends would like me to report that I feel major discord in my relationship with God as I set about dating men. But I don’t. If anything, I feel His love in greater abundance.

I constantly measure what I need versus what others need from me when it comes to religion and God. For now, I don’t feel a need to leave the LDS church. I don’t want to leave. At the same time, I don’t participate as fully as I once did. I used to stress out about that and think how disappointed God must be in me for not being more involved. But I’ve calmed down and refuse to feel that much stress about it anymore. I’m just doing the best I can and keeping an open mind and heart, and I think that’s good enough for God, even if it’s not enough for others. 

Summary

As full as my emotional plate has been in January and February, I feel good. I feel a sense of peace and calm. My problems are mine, and I own them. They’re not greater or lesser than yours, they’re just different. I’m inclined to think that the rest of 2016 must be better than the start of the year, but even if it isn’t, I’m prepared to face it head on.

The job hunt will work out. Relationships with family members will strengthen. My feet will heal. My weekends will be more exciting. I’ll find someone who wants more than friendship. I’ll handle any challenge with God on my side. I'm winning the war by winning one battle at a time. Maybe by my next post, I'll be back to saying "I'm great!" For now, I feel a tremendous sense of victory by being able to look back at the past 2 months and declare: "I’m okay."

What I Want In a Partner

Opening note: There are far more important topics for discussion than little ole me and my love life (or lack thereof). But since you’re visiting my blog, and the whole purpose of my blog is to explore my faith journey while navigating my sexuality, please indulge me.

I’m going to put church stuff aside this time and concentrate more on love and my quest for a fulfilling relationship.

As you may know, I maintained an anonymous blog 4 years ago. I’m much more open and willing to share these days, name attached and all, not much to hide. But, in September of 2011, I wrote a blog entry that was pretty challenging for me to write at that time. It was entitled “What I Really Want In a Relationship With Another Man”. Click here to go back in time with me and see what I wrote.

It was difficult to give voice to what I actually wanted. After all, I’ve spent most of my life putting aside what I really want and instead, settled for things I was supposed to want or expected to want. I’ll readily admit that I put most of that expectation on myself. But it was SO freeing to put my thoughts into words and put it out there, even if it was under an anonymous blog. It felt good to express it, even in a limited way.

In 2011, I wasn’t exactly open to the idea of dating and actually going after these things. I was “all talk” and not sure if I could actually pursue a relationship or give myself to another man and feel like I was in good standing with the Lord. While it was nice to voice my desires, I just didn’t see how I could actually pursue them. My views have evolved quite a bit since then.

This new entry is written with that old blog article in mind. But this time, I can share freely without the need to hide my name. I want to share the things I’m searching for in a relationship for a few reasons:

1.    To put it out there. You know…it’s the Secret! Put it out into the universe and it will come back to you. Haha. Okay, not sure I believe that. But I DO believe in voicing what you want and the power of positive thinking. Being willing to share what you want with others makes it more likely that you’ll get it.

2.    To give others hope. There are others who, like me, have said no to love or the chance of a relationship because of their religious convictions. I can only speak for me when I say that I feel peace in my relationship with God while pursuing a relationship with a man even though the church I belong to regards such relationships as sinful, perverted and counterfeit.

3.    To cut to the chase. I plan on sending all of my future first dates to this blog entry. It’ll save so much time! I’m totally kidding on this one. But I am interested to see what “2015 Nate” wants compared to what “2020 Nate” will want in 5 years. It’ll be interesting to look back and see how this account changes.

I recently expressed to friends (in person and through Facebook) that I don’t want to spend the holidays alone anymore. It has truly sucked all these years to celebrate them without someone special in my life. While I wasn’t necessarily looking for dating advice, some friends offered that all I needed to find someone is the courage to say hello. As well-intentioned as comments like that are, that’s not why I’m single. If I can so freely share some of my innermost thoughts and feelings on this blog, I can certainly work up the nerve to say hi to someone.

I’m single because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve permitted myself to even consider the idea of dating men. For a couple of those years, I was hung up on a man I was in love with and I wasn’t really open to pursuing anyone else. In addition to that, the ongoing wrestle that I was having with my upbringing, my own beliefs and the expectations of others has simply been crippling at times. To reduce my experience to a dating tip such as “you just need to say hi to someone” isn’t helpful.

This entry is to boldly proclaim that I am ready to love. Ready to give it. Ready to receive it. Fully. Deeply. Madly. Unconditionally.

It took some doing to get to this point. It doesn’t mean I’ve let go of all of my previously held religious beliefs. But it does mean that I’ve finally found a balance where I can love God and love another man and feel good about both kinds of love.

With this in mind, here is a quick list of things I’m looking for in a relationship: 

• I want to be loved.
• I want to be adored.
• I want to be desired.
• I want to matter.
• I want to be someone’s top priority.
• I want to be considered.
• I want to be regarded.
• I want to be cherished.
• I want to be touched.
• I want to be kissed regularly.
• I want to be held.
• I want to be pleased.
• I want to be listened to.
• I want to be validated.
• I want to be challenged.
• I want to cuddle and have interesting conversations.
• I want random funny or sexy texts just to check in, make me laugh or turn me on.
• I want gifts for birthdays and Christmas that are thoughtful or creative.
• I want full access to touch and be touched.
• I want a man to appreciate where I’ve come from and where I’m going. 

There, that’s good to start with. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable, these are things most people want. I’m willing to give every single one of these things to my man. In addition, I think I’m justified in wanting these things considering that I’ve gone my whole life without the joys of a romantic relationship.

I’m not expecting a fairy tale and I don’t expect perfection. But there are some things that I believe should be in place, amidst the frailties and imperfections that my future partner and I will exhibit. I’ll take the good and the bad.

In short, I just want a guy to reciprocate. I’m prepared to love a man pretty completely and intensely. I recognize that, as new as I am, it might take more than one relationship to find what I’m looking for. But I’m also making up for lost time, so I am hopeful that my time on the sidelines has served some purpose.

I have no idea what if feels like to like someone on a deep level and actually have them like me back. Finding that ideal is one of my top goals for 2016. I’m ready and I intend to finally make this a reality. I think about how my life could be affected for the better if I had that. I can be complete and happy without it. I’m my own person. But, let’s be honest: Love is power and I’m ready to experience that level of power.

I’ll close with a quote from a recent episode of “Modern Family”: 

Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.

I’ve gone on long enough (as always), but I could write a whole entry about how this quote applies to me. Instead, I’ll just say that I find it interesting and true in some ways (and beautiful in many ways).

I hope this article doesn’t come across as though I’m the only person who has ever been lonely or without love. Many of my married friends are lonelier within their marriages than I am. But, you have to admit, my experience is a little unique. I’m 38 and only now am I ready to seek a boyfriend. I feel like such a teenager.

My love and support goes out to any of my readers who are also in search of love and haven’t found it for whatever reason. I love you and hope you find your version of love.

A Message of Love and Gratitude to My Haters

Around this time of year, I see a fair amount of my Facebook friends posting daily gratitude messages as Thanksgiving Day approaches. I enjoy reading them. They remind me what I should be grateful for. Cynics might look at these posts and quickly dismiss them as an attempt to show off, as if the author is trying to say “Look at how much more blessed I am than you!” Others are able to see past that and appreciate heartfelt expressions of humility and reliance upon God, family and friends.

Whatever the case, I believe there is so much good that comes from acknowledging the various ways in which one has been blessed. I was raised to begin my prayers by telling God what I was thankful for before I asked for anything. I believe that this upbringing has made me pay less attention to what I don’t have and appreciate more fully what I DO have. Sometimes, I sulk and complain and want and murmur like anyone else. But I strive to maintain an attitude of appreciation.

James Talmage said, “Gratitude is twin sister to humility; pride is a foe to both.” Furthermore, we are warned in D&C 59: 21, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.” Personally, I don’t think the Lord has a needy ego where He must be thanked. He is clear on what He has given us. But I do believe that He asks us to be thankful, kind, humble and appreciative. Doing so helps us treat each other with more compassion. Plus, I think it helps us put our egos in check from time to time and to remember that without Him, we are less than the dust of the earth (Helaman 12, anyone?).

With all of this in mind, I’m taking a different approach to my blog entry about gratitude. In thinking back over the past year, what am I most grateful for? Well, readily, I think about this blog and about how vocal I’ve been with regard to my sexuality and my membership in the LDS Church. The obvious display of gratitude should go to the hundreds of people who have shown love and kindness and reassurance and support in the way of a phone call, an email, a comment on FB, a one-on-one conversation. etc. My soul has been enriched by these acts of kindness and I’ve felt strongly again and again that I am on the right track. I feel like my heart is in the right place and that I am accomplishing some level of good through this blog.

But my thoughts are turned to those who haven’t been as supportive or as kind. Though it’s a very small minority compared to the overwhelming majority of you who have shown support, I’m in touch with and very much affected by the things that my “haters” have said. It is to my haters that I direct my thoughts of gratitude. To those of you who have shown a lack of compassion or understanding, you strengthen me in my resolve to do what I think is right. In the wise words of Christina Aguilera: “Thanks for makin’ me a fighter!” Haha. The thing is, I’m not motivated to fight.

I’d like to highlight 3 comments from my readers, but keep in mind, not one of them is signed with a name. It’s amazing the things we can say to others from the comfort of our own computers and with the title “Anonymous”. I’ve literally received over 1,000 expressions of love and support since I started this blog in late June. But these 3 comments were pretty hurtful to me. It’s not that they don’t agree with everything I say. It’s the tone that is used. It’s the attempt to shut me up. It’s the refusal to try and understand my point of view. It’s an unwillingness to have a conversation that really stings.

I feel that the comments are “ad hominem: a reaction directed against a person rather than the position they are maintaining.” I wonder if the same person wrote all 3 comments. Still, I try to make these comments useful and constructive. I don’t want to give power to these comments, so some might question why I’m showing them here. First and foremost, I want to send a message that we can rise above these kinds of setbacks. But honestly, I just wanted to respond to each one in the spirit of love and gratitude. I hope that doing this will help the “haters” better understand my intentions and purpose. After that, there’s nothing more I can do if the sender of these comments isn’t going to budge.

On July 30^th, I submitted “The Parable of the Combo Meal” as an attempt to illustrate what few options gay members of the church are presented with compared to the options our straight counterparts receive. I learned a lot from the comments and learned that many members of the church who are straight and married can feel some of these same things I’m feeling. It was comforting to me to get their point of view. Unfortunately, I was met with the following comment:

“Stop trying to fix the damn Mormons, or having them accept your lifestyle CHOICE so as to feel better about your own insecurities. Take responsibility for you and STOP holding the Mormons or any other group that doesn't share the same beliefs as you at fault. What makes you so right! You want to change their views??? Start with changing yours. All you write about here is your feelings and how you presume to be treated. What the hell have you done to foster bridges or good will and in being respectful of Christians beliefs and feelings? Enough of the cheese.”

My response: In the nicest tone I can employ, let me assure you that I’m not trying to “fix” anyone. The “lifestyle” that I want to maintain is probably remarkably similar to your lifestyle. What have I done to foster bridges and be respectful? Oh, I don’t know. Write thought-provoking, heart-wrenching blog entries about how much I love the church and how I’m having a difficult time reconciling that love with their doctrine and my sexuality? Being a line of support for others to relate to? Offering my bare soul to the masses without hiding behind a mask? Does any of that count for something? As for the last line by this commenter, I guess I’m just a cheesy guy. I’m sorry you feel the need to use all caps and shout at me in response to what I thought was a fair piece. If I come across as self-righteous or forceful in trying to change views, I failed. Or, maybe you just need to re-read what I’m actually saying and compare your comment with all of the other comments. Can we meet in the middle?

On October 16^th, I submitted “Matt Walsh: Blood on His Hands” to suggest that his approach is potentially harmful, judgmental and cruel. I warned my fellow members of the church that if we take his same approach instead of showing compassion and understanding, it can lead gay members of the church to feel more disenfranchised than they already do. It was a plea to my brothers and sisters to be more careful in how we address gay members of the church. In response, someone commented:

“Some of this shit is absolute garbage. Maybe, just maybe, you're too sensitive. It's always those rotten Mormons with you, never any other religion. Get over it, it is free speech and it doesn't always make it right, but it does allow us to express love in return. Matt Walsh, whatever!!! Stop going after his head (spreading the same hate he is, tarnishing him) and go after his heart. Show love. If you can't do that, you're no different. For hells sake get off Matt's level.”

My response: Garbage? Asking people to be more compassionate and careful in their approach to members of the church who are gay is garbage? I’ll admit, I’m probably more sensitive than your typical guy, but I view that as a strength. With that sensitivity comes an added level of awareness. I am able to consider what others might be going through. I am willing to entertain another point of view. But my point of view here is dismissed by you as garbage. “Never any other religion”? I am LDS, so that’s my experience. The whole purpose of my blog is to discuss my membership in a church that I love while facing some very challenging aspects of hanging on to that membership. I may have failed if the message received was that I am spreading the same hate Matt Walsh is. If I’m seen as on his level, dang, I dropped the ball. Most commenters don’t feel that way, but I’m willing to reconsider my approach here. Let me keep it real to this commenter: I know many gay members of the church who are in a dark place. Not because of their “lifestyle”, not because of their state of sinfulness, but because of the refusal of their brothers and sisters to see that their experience looks a little different. When these friends start taking their own lives, I’m going to have something to say to the Matt Walsh’s of the world. I thought my piece here did nothing but show love and demanded love from others. But I’ll take another look and self-assess.

On November 6^th, I submitted “Unrequited: My Love Affair with the LDS Church”. The commenter here has no idea what kind of negative impact the change in church policy had on me. I was in bed for days, I had lost of lot of hope in the church I love and have given so much to over the years. My intention was to compare my relationship with the church to unrequited love. It took an extra level of vulnerability to express what I wrote, but this was the comment I received from another “Anonymous” person:

“You only hear what you want, and YOU NATE are as guilty as what you blame others. You only appreciate those with the same views and "lifestyle" and label everything that goes contrary to your view as mean. You argue to win not to build, give me an F-ing break. You try to come off guiltless. You are so damn hypocritical, easily offended over everything, EVERYTHING! You look to find argument. It's like you can’t talk of anything else, you always play the victim when in F-ing reality, you have so much to be thankful for. I'm so tired of hearing your constant bitching and you cloaking all your insecurities. PLEASE PLEASE as a friend (tough love) just shut up and think about it. Your f-ing sexuality shouldn't define you. So again SHUT YOUR MOUTH and stop pointing fingers. Can someone please give me a HOLY SHIT!!!!”

Honestly, I just don’t have much to say in response. The person who wrote this uses the term “F-ing” several times and uses all caps to drive their message home. It reeks of hate and anger. Anyone else who read my entry can see what my intention was. Even now, I’m hurting from the policy change and am not sure where I’m at with the church. But I’m calm and know that I’ll come to some conclusions when I’m ready. I received an unprecedented outpouring of love after this blog entry was posted. But this commenter’s sole purpose is to get me to shut up. To stop speaking. I will do the opposite. I will speak firmly, loudly and confidently. For those who can’t speak and for those who have been told to “SHUT UP!”, I will continue to ask for change. I will continue to offer a different point of view. I will continue to love others. I will continue to love the Lord and seek direction from Him.

One thing is clear: When people write these kinds of comments, it really doesn’t have much to do with me or what I’m saying. It has so much more to do with where they are at in life. I take comfort in that. Still, I get hurt like anyone else. But I’m grateful to be developing a thicker skin and I’m grateful that any kind of persecution or negativity I’ve experienced in this blog journey helps me relate a little more to what the Savior went through.

If you are an internet troll who hides behind your computer and sends out whatever nasty messages you want to send, I love you. I feel for you. I don’t understand you, but I understand that some of the main emotions that drive your messages are fear, self-loathing and ignorance. That can’t be easy to experience. Consider your words before you hit that “Send” button. It’s my belief that you’ll be faced with those words and that you will account for them one day.

To my readers: I hope my message and intention is clear. If I have put out any kind of negativity or messages that cause division and hate, I apologize. My intended message is about love, inclusion, understanding, sympathy, compassion, reaching out, having a willingness to consider another point of view. If I’ve failed, I’ll try harder. Continued thanks for your support and kindness.

Unrequited: My Love Affair with the LDS Church

Four years ago, I fell in love with a man. Deeply, madly, profoundly. What started out as infatuation developed into something much more meaningful. I’d never felt so deeply for someone and even now, I question if I’ll ever feel that way about someone else.

I got to know this man more and more and we became close friends. But alas, he was taken. Still, I would do thoughtful things for him. I’d send uplifting messages and gift him gifts on special occasions. While he never reciprocated much with these kinds of gestures, he was remarkably kind and sweet. He allowed me access into his world and we shared some experiences that I’d never experienced before.

And then the message was delivered: “I don’t feel that way about you, Nate.” I was fully aware that he wasn’t exactly on the market, but I was still devastated. Knowing that we couldn’t be together was one thing to accept. But knowing he didn’t view me in the same light that I viewed him was crushing to my soul. It did a number to my self-esteem and I’m still not sure I’ve recovered.

Besides health problems, financial stress and losing people you love, I’m not sure there is another form of pain that rivals the ultimate agony of feeling so deeply for someone and knowing that those feelings can’t be returned. It may sound like high school, but really: Unrequited love hurts like hell.

As I reflect on my deep affection for this man, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never been so hurt by someone in my entire life. However, the object of my affection doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. I would take things very personally. If he didn’t return gestures or if he couldn’t find time for me, I’d take it as feedback. To him, he just simply didn’t have the bandwidth to give what I was able to give. The furthest intention from his heart was to hurt me. But that was the result.

Intentions vs. results.

Since then, I’ve recognized that my tendency to hold on was leading me to a very sad place. Who knows? In another world, another time, maybe we could’ve worked or been a good fit. But all of my hopes and wishes were ultimately wasted. This man didn’t hurt me. My hopes and expectations of what could be hurt me. Thinking of what I could do for him and what he could do for me over the years. Gone in a second.

I’m seeing a parallel between my experience with this man and my experience with the LDS Church. I fear more and more that it’s a classic case of unrequited love. I’m never going to get back what I give.

I was dealt a double punch to the gut on Thursday, November 5^th. I became aware that new policies in the church handbook would deem members of the church in same-sex marriages as “apostates”. This wasn’t too surprising. After all, married people tend to have sex. Straight married sex is not sinful and gay married sex is grounds for excommunication. But to add “same-gender marriages” to the list of offenses that deem someone as an “apostate” is pretty hurtful.

Can you imagine being called a bigot? Or a racist? When you know in your heart that you love all people and you strive to be Christ-like, being called a word like that takes away from everything you try to stand for. And so it is with the word “apostate”. Can you actually imagine having a deep love for the church to the point of giving your life to it and then being dismissed as an “apostate” simply because of who you love?

So, later that night, I began to see a flood of posts directed at the church and assumed that it was because of this whole apostate thing. Then it became clear that a second bomb had dropped: Children of same-sex couples don’t get baby blessings and can’t be baptized until they turn 18. Even then, these children must move out of their parents’ homes and disavow all same-sex relationships. In a sense, they must turn against their parents. Plus, approval from top leadership in the church is required.

Initially, I couldn’t help but feel angry, confused, attacked, misunderstood, judged, shut out, uninvited, etc. A flurry of texts, private messages and other gestures came my way by family and friends who knew this would be a painful thing for members of the church in my boat. So much love at such a low time. I was an emotional wreck and just needed time to sort my thoughts and feelings out. After all, the church hadn’t even commented yet on the new policies. But would the way I felt change at all after a statement was made? To me, the damage had been done. The message was already delivered.

Anyone who has followed my blog has seen that I have tried my best to speak well of the church. Entry after entry, I’ve been honest about some of the difficulties that come along with being a gay man who still wants connection with the LDS church. I’ve defended the church at times because it is filled with people I love. People who are so good and who are so loving and so quick to show compassion. I’ve explained why I wish to stay aligned. I’ve shared my testimony. I was even planning on posting a new entry with “The Top 10 Reasons I’m Still Glad to Be a Mormon” as an uplifting message to my brothers and sisters in the church. I wanted them to see that we really aren’t that different.

I felt my balance was good and that more and more people were open to having a conversation. I saw progress in the church and found a period of peace where I knew that things would take a while, but hey, things were progressing. I was getting mostly positive feedback from my blog and was humbled by the notion that being so open and honest might actually be affecting some change.

Thursday’s news stopped me dead in my tracks. I am reminded of a man I loved very much. I gave and gave and would’ve done anything for him. But he just wouldn’t (and couldn’t) love me back. He wasn’t mean or unkind. He just didn’t have the ability to return my feelings. To give myself some semblance of peace, I’ve let go of him. In some ways I will always love him. But I recognize that holding on is causing more pain.

Similarly, I have loved this church. I loved singing at the top of my lungs in primary. I loved passing the sacrament and collecting fast offerings. I loved leadership roles as a young man. I loved playing the piano for the kids in Primary. I loved doing countless musical numbers over the years. I loved leading Gospel Doctrine classes in thought-provoking and meaningful discussions. I fought hard to serve a mission. I loved and taught the people of England and Wales with everything that I had. I put aside my own needs and desires for companionship for 20 years of my adult life because I wanted to abide the law of chastity. Even now, as I’m ready to date and consider companionship, I am trying my damnedest to affiliate with the church and have a place at the table. While I don’t feel I’m getting that back, I have to ask: Is the church trying to hurt me deliberately? I don’t think so. At the end of the day, that’s the result.

Maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe holding on so tightly is causing more harm than good. Maybe I’ve been a fool to think that I could one day marry a great guy and raise children with the principles and teachings we learned in the LDS church. Maybe it’s time I admit that I should’ve known better.

Since Thursday, the debates on both sides have merit and deserve consideration. But I’m just not in a place where I can accept most of them. One guy wants to compare this to children of polygamy and suggest that “this is nothing new” and I’m supposed to be comforted by such thoughtless sentiments. The next guy wants to bash the church and suggest that it’s responsible for suicides and tearing families apart. While some of that may be true, I am not ready to join his fight against the church.

I am, however, ready to question and ready to express that I am hurt by what the church did, once again. I’m down for the count and will need some time to reassess whether I still want to be a part of this church. I know that will hurt some of my friends and family very much. But I’d ask them to consider the rollercoaster this ride has been for me. I want to get off that ride for a while because I’m sick to my stomach.

While I have no plans to resign and pull my records from the church, this whole experience has shaken me. I feel like the church is saying the same thing to me that a man I once loved said: “I don’t feel the same way about you, Nate.”

Unrequited love hurts like hell. Especially when you’ve given so much.

For a time, I will not be turning to the church for direction or answers. But I will continue to turn to God and pray for peace and understanding. For clarity and for hearts to soften. Thanks to all of you who have reached out. It’s the one thing that kept me going and gave me the courage to post this.

UPDATE: I posted the following in response to the church-released statement from Elder Christofferson of the Twelve to my Facebook page on 11/07, thought I'd include it here:

With a humble heart, I wanted to quickly express my response to this video. I've already shared how I feel on my blog before the church released any kind of statement. But many of my dear LDS friends have made comments such as this: "It's too bad people are overreacting to the policy being leaked to the press by an apostate. Wait and see what the church has to officially say before you draw any conclusions." Some have added that this video helps them feel peace and understanding. With love and respect for Elder Christofferson, however, I must say that watching this 10 minute clip did not comfort me or magically change the way I feel. I wish I could report that it did. Some would say: "Church haters are going to continue to hate, no matter what." Fine, some will do just that. But the majority of people I know who have been rocked by this recent news are not haters of the church. They are not lacking in spirit or failing to exhibit faith. They are simply devastated by these changes. I'm willing to entertain the ways in which children could be spared confusion and humiliation with this strict policy. Unfortunately, I strongly believe that this change will affect children in many more negative ways than in positive ways. It will break what semblance of "family" the gay members of our church have. I do not wish to be divisive. I don't enjoy hurting the feelings of church members that mean a great deal to me. But I needed to express that copying this link with a quick command to "watch this and pray before you condemn" did not have a changing effect on me. I'm still hurt. I still disagree. And I will still turn to the Lord for further understanding and peace. I'm not a rebel. I'm not an apostate. I am a gay man who loves the Lord and with humility, I continue to question this change in policy.

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson

"Why I Sing", an essay for The Utah Chamber Artists

(Originally written for The Utah Chamber Artists newsletter and website in September 2015)

 

I have a confession. For years, I’ve been hanging on to a secret that has been the source of shame. Now is the time to let it out: I dropped out of piano lessons at the age of 9.
 

Yes, friends, it’s true. But it doesn’t stop there. I used to hate singing because of a traumatic experience I endured at the hands of my piano teacher. Let’s go back in time.
 

My earliest music-related memory was when I inadvertently played a chord on my grandmother’s piano at the age of 5. With excitement, she ran over to me and said, “Nathan, do you know what that is? It’s a chord!” I loved the reaction and validation my musical mistake elicited from a woman who could ragtime rattle those ivory keys like a rattlesnake can rattle…well…you get the point.

 

 

As the youngest of 8 eight kids, and being a triplet on top of that, I saw the piano as my chance to step out and do my own thing. From that time on, I would play piano on a regular basis, much to the chagrin of my 6 brothers who wanted to watch TV without my childhood compositions coming into creation in the background. After all, the one TV we had and the piano were in the same room.
 

A few years later, I would begin taking piano lessons from Denese Webster across the street. She was a fantastic teacher and I was scheduled to play two songs at a recital within a few months of starting my lessons. That’s when the proverbial crap hit the fan.
 

“Nathan, let’s have you do the Beethoven for your first piece. For your second piece, I’d like you to do something more upbeat and fun. How do you feel about singing and playing at the same time?” It was the first time in my life that I was challenged to actually sing in front of people.
 

So, there I was, at my recital. The Beethoven went perfectly, but it didn’t matter. My second piece, “The Boogie-Woogie Goose”, was coming up and I knew my brothers would give me a hard time. I was encouraged to sing it with conviction and pep. The main note from Mrs. Webster was “Louder, Nathan. LOUDER!”
 

As I assured the audience through my performance that Aunt Rhody’s old gray goose was, in fact, not dead, but was busy being a dancing fool, my faced flushed with embarrassment. My brothers meant no harm, but I remember seeing them laugh throughout the song. The lyrics were fun and silly, but I took their laughter as feedback. Ever since then, I still have insecurities about my singing voice. I can take a compliment on my piano playing or songwriting, but I somehow don’t think I’m as deserving when it comes to singing. Darn, that silly goose.
 

Mrs. Webster turned me on to a new possibility, however. The idea of singing and playing piano at the same time led to a love of songwriting and arranging. Throughout junior high and high school, I was much more comfortable being the accompanist than the singing soloist, but I kept trying to find my voice. There was the time my voice cracked on my “Bein’ Green” solo in 8^th grade and the entire choir chuckled behind me. But, in a bigger victory, there was the time I wrote a song and performed it at my high school graduation, backed by the choir and followed by a standing ovation from my graduating class. To this day, it’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.

 

 

Since college, I developed more of a singer-songwriter style. It was perfect. I could hide behind the piano and sing in a quiet, comfortable style that perfectly suited my range. But this style did not bode well for my first audition for The Utah Chamber Artists. While I was told I had a lovely voice, I had much to learn. Phrasing, diction, shaping my vowels, etc. Since then, as a member of this lovely group, I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone and learn to use my voice in a new way. A collaborative way. A beautiful way. No more hiding behind the piano for this guy. “Louder, Nathan. LOUDER!”
 

I’ll end on a personal note. As a 38 year-old member of the LDS church who happens to be gay, I’ve only recently decided that it might be okay to date and eventually find companionship. My personal journey to find balance, acceptance and peace began in a similar way to my singing career. The once trembling, nervous boy who had to sing about that stupid goose has evolved into a man who is comfortable singing a solo or blending beautifully with the most talented group of musicians around.

 

 

Similarly, I’m no longer afraid to use my voice in other ways. I use my voice to speak out, to ask for kindness and understanding, to challenge the status quo, to encourage acceptance and change. I use my voice to express myself, to offer advice to a friend in need, to make people laugh, to agree and to disagree. But perhaps the most beautiful thing I do with the voice I’ve been given, as imperfect as it may be, is touching lives through music.
 

Joining my UCA friends in song is one of the most thrilling and joyful experiences I’ve ever had. Being part of something like this has not only built my confidence with my own songs, it has also affected my approach to life. My personal song is sweeter and fuller as a result. 
 

Guess I have Mrs. Webster to thank. I’ll admit, I’m glad that goose isn’t dead.


Original post: http://www.utahchamberartists.org/2015/10/28/nate-why-i-sing/ 

Matt Walsh: Blood on His Hands

On a fairly regular basis, LDS friends of mine (who I love and still associate with) will share a post like the one shown below. Sometimes, they’ll add their own stamp of approval for the content they are sharing and praise it. So, then I go to read what is shared and feel completely opposite. I continue to be amazed how something that brings a friend such goodness and light can cause me to feel incredibly down and sad, at times, even angry.

“Well, Nate, you’ve lost your way.”

“You’re not in tune with the Spirit.”

“If you made more of an effort, you’d agree with everything in the post.”

I’ve lost my way? I’m not in tune? Then why do I feel so good when I pray? Why do I feel more assured than ever before that the efforts I am making are acceptable to my Maker?

Consider the following example, posted by a friend earlier today. I’ve eaten dinner at her table and she is remarkably kind and thoughtful. But then, she posts something like this and regards Matt Walsh as brilliant and courageous. It makes me wonder what she truly thinks of someone like me.

Matt Walsh is well-known for his blog, and I have a fair amount of friends who subscribe to his way of thinking. That’s okay, we can still be friends. But I’m a different kind of Christian. On numerous occasions, I’ve read Mr. Walsh’s thoughts on a variety of topics and, in my humble opinion, he misses the mark. It’s very “letter of the law” and less “spirit of the law” to me.

In his latest post, No, Christianity Should Not Welcome or Include Your Sinful Lifestyle, he says a number of things that strike me as dangerous, insensitive, lacking in understanding and devoid of any compassion. When members of the church perpetuate these kinds of messages, I feel extreme sadness.

I understand that as members of the church, we must strive to be obedient. But sometimes I wonder why we don’t focus as much on the concept of forgiveness. “The law is the law and who are we to change it? Fall in line or get out of the way!”

As I consider friends who have taken their lives or who have lived their lives in hiding and isolation in fear of condemnation from the very people who should be prepared to love them the most, these are the direct quotes from Mr. Walsh’s latest blog entry that concern me the most. As you read through them, do you feel good?

“The sins of homosexuality and fornication have existed since Biblical times…What do we know in our time that the Church didn’t know — that God Himself didn’t know — up to now? Be very careful in how you answer that question.

“You need to stop reading with your emotions and read with your brain.”

“Two plus two equals four, because it does, and because even a stupid man can see that.”

“It’s difficult to have grown-up conversations these days, because people like yourself see every mention of moral truth as either a personal attack or a statement of superiority. This is the real damage you cause in the Faith.”

“You want to be coddled.”

“You want to modify Christian teachings not because you tried them and found them wrong, but because you found them difficult and don’t want to try them.”

“You apparently come a sick and broken man looking to be assured you were never sick and broken to begin with.”

“I’m tired of hearing this “inclusive” stuff.”

“You’re asking to be “included” in the Faith on your own terms. That’s just not how this works, brother. As Christians, we have no authority to “include” you in that way.”

“You must be the one who “includes” the Truth in your life. Your lifestyle must change to accommodate the Truth, not the other way around.”

“A sin is still a sin, and He instructs us all to “go and sin no more” (John 8:11), which often means dramatically altering our lifestyles.”

“You must choose, then, to walk through the right path, the narrow path, but it will be difficult and demanding, and it will not and cannot be widened to include you.”

“We all struggle with sin. But struggle is the keyword. Struggle. Fight back. Plead with God in agony to help you defeat these demons. Go to Christ begging that He help you overcome your temptations and live with chastity and temperance. Don’t demand that your sin be allowed to accompany you into Heaven. It can’t.”

“It seems you want to remove, well, all of those ingredients and still call yourself a Christian. You might as well remove all the yeast and flour from a mixture and call the goop of water, butter, and salt that remains ‘bread.’”

“We have to choose to shed our sin, pick up our cross, and follow Him. That’s what it means to “be included.” You say that’s what you want, but do you?”

“Christians churches in America were never guilty of “alienating” unrepentant sinners like the “LGBTQ community.” They are so attached to their sin that they literally define themselves by it. They look for ‘community’ not with the Body of Christ, but with those who share their urges and fetishes. They elect to reject the difficult aspects of the Faith. They alienate themselves.”

“John Chrysostom said the Holy Scripture should be “engraved upon our hearts.” There are some Christians who wish to adhere to it with that level of severity. They are the minority that all churches should be bending over backwards to embrace. They are the ones who need to be included again.”

“The church has not failed if it makes open homosexuals or anyone else feel uncomfortable in their sin. That is a success. That is the church doing what it’s supposed to do.”

“I’ll pray Christian churches in this country always “include” the Truth, not liberal sexual dogmas or any other form of blasphemy.”

“I’ll pray you leave your sin behind and come to Christ remorseful and empty handed, ready to be His servant.”

I could respond to each quote, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll leave it up to my readers. Do these comments sound like they come from someone who wants gay people to feel welcome and included? Does the author of these comments even begin to understand (or make the slightest attempt to understand) what it’s like to be gay and Christian? Does this collection of quotes sound like anything the Savior would say?

As I read through this blog, it doesn’t bring me closer to the Savior. It’s basically Matt Walsh saying, “Get over it, no mercy is available here. Just get over being gay and stop complaining.” He associates being gay with being depraved. Most of the gay people I know have the same core needs as anyone else. But Mr. Walsh would dismiss the longing to be loved and the chance to build a life with someone they love as “urges and fetishes”. But only when it comes to gay people.

In closing, I’m just asking you to be more aware when you share these kinds of messages. I’m all for standing up for what you believe in and even fighting the good fight. But if you can do these things in such a way that makes people like me feel loved and included and part of the fold, that’d be really great.

Compare his approach to Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Twelve:

"As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let's not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender."

His use of the word "lifestyle" kind of bugs me, but the tone is so much warmer and more Christ-like, don't you think?

I think Matt Walsh’s approach is irresponsible and dangerous. His complete lack of mercy and understanding is something that he’ll have to account for one day just as much as I will have to account for my own sins. Luckily, we both have a Savior who loves us. I just think one of us tries to bring people TO the Savior while the other one often pushes people AWAY from the Savior.

Read Matt Walsh. Agree with Matt Walsh if you want. Say how brilliant and courageous he is. But be aware that his insensitive tone and unapologetic approach is doing damage to people who truly love the Lord. I know plenty of brilliant and courageous gay men and women who lives their lives in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord. People like Matt Walsh may never understand what this kind of discipleship requires.