tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91498633723485284982024-03-19T06:14:26.836-06:00Bare Naked NateNaked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-43514880870520713132017-08-10T18:17:00.004-06:002017-08-10T21:50:43.835-06:00Loss, Letting Go, and...Laughter?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghF0VDejN2qzVzzkSEC6huMPuGUhHb6VFUkFiogOooIHO4tXF5V12hQQATAti490YsjUsbRWNyTWsxFt7-dbFMDVdZPQBiu5YcsHrd-NLSZb3y6TZypfpyFkulwcP4GLt7j6ulWC9n6Q/s1600/laugh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="751" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghF0VDejN2qzVzzkSEC6huMPuGUhHb6VFUkFiogOooIHO4tXF5V12hQQATAti490YsjUsbRWNyTWsxFt7-dbFMDVdZPQBiu5YcsHrd-NLSZb3y6TZypfpyFkulwcP4GLt7j6ulWC9n6Q/s320/laugh.jpg" width="319" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">INTRO<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let me set this one up a bit. I'll do so with a few bullets you
can skim through:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Last year, I was somewhat unhappy and
unfilled in my career. Because massage is something I've always wanted to do, I
decided to make a career change and enrolled full-time at the Utah College of
Massage Therapy.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Eight months later, I graduated with a 4.0 and 100% attendance.
Don't worry, my dark perfectionist tendencies only resurfaced because I had
something to prove to myself after all these years. The program was a very
healing experience for me for a number of reasons that I might share another
time.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">At age 40, it felt so great to just reset and
do something for myself. Plus, I knew this change would set me up to help
others in a very rewarding way.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Perfect! I was all set to take the massage world by storm and
then attack my next goal toward achieving a better all-around balance. Well,
scratch that.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I'll spare you the details except to say that
for 85% of June, July, and August so far, I've either been unable to walk or
I've had to painfully hobble my way around.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I've experienced unprecedented amounts of soreness,
inflammation, depression, loneliness, isolation, self-doubt, worthlessness, and
physical pain during this 10-week period.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In my darkest moments, I questioned my belief
in God. Some dark thoughts from my past resurfaced a bit and it got so low, I
asked a few people to keep an eye on me for a few days.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I'm coming out of the dark again and, in hindsight, I can see
that chronic physical pain really does a number on your mental state and
emotional well-being. Spiritually, it can crush you.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Thanks to some standout members of my support
system, I'm almost out of the woods and life is starting to look beautiful
again. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I wanted to write about the gift of laughter
after exploring some tougher topics.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I hope that this gives others who are going through their own personal
hell some comfort and hope. And levity.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LOSS<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Throughout this ordeal, I've been thinking about loss quite a bit.
Not in a sulking or useless way, just...in a way where I tried to make sense of
what was happening to me. We gain things and experiences and relationships, and
then sometimes we lose them. How we deal with such loss can ultimately be what
sets us up to gain something else that helps us along our path.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I recently lost two people in my "gay tribe" amidst
this summer of doom. Normally, it wouldn't have hurt so bad, but the timing
just sucked. Neither of them live in the same state as I do, but we'd developed
a significant amount of trust and closeness in recent years. As I reflect on
the two guys, I think I can be blamed for one, but not for the other. And even
on the one where I'm somewhat culpable, I look back in confusion because I did
so much more good than bad. It made me feel unappreciated, rejected, and a little
insecure. I'd like to suggest something that I think is helpful in this
instance: Sometimes, people come and go, and it has nothing to do with whether
or not you are good enough. Sometimes, our paths are the same for a while, and
then sometimes, our lives diverge in different directions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Most people I know have experienced some form of significant
loss, or they will face major loss in the future. Losing car keys and hidden
cash is one thing, but what about when you start losing your possessions, loved
ones, sanity, physical ability, mind, soul, and spirit? As painful as loss has
been in my own life, I've concluded that experiencing loss serves three
purposes:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">1. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Loss helps us better appreciate what we have
in life</span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">. We win some and we lose some, but what if the two extremes
didn't have to hold equal weight because of how we've conditioned ourselves to
be more present and more grateful for what we DO have, even in times of major
loneliness? (wow, long sentence)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">2. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Loss reminds us that life (and all of its
accessories) is fleeting. </span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It reminds us to seize
the day with appreciation and live our lives to the fullest because you never
know when something will be lost or taken away from you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">3. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Loss brings out the best human
characteristics we possess. </span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Whether we are dealing
with loss ourselves or coming to the rescue of someone in need, we get to
experience humility, patience, grace, service, trust, gratitude, and overall
coming together as people in a heightened way that seems to be reserved for the
more heartbreaking, shocking, and devastating effects of the human condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LETTING
GO<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">While I do my best to avoid living in the past, and I can feel
really good (most of the time) about the progress I've made over the last 4-5
years, I'll readily admit: I clutch on to things. And places. And people. So,
yeah...I'm really into <i>nouns</i> (person,
place or thing!). I'm sentimental, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I love too
hard sometimes. My heart is strong, but it's tender. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">One of my best qualities is that I'm sensitive to the
needs of others. One of my worst qualities is that I'm sensitive to the needs
of others.</span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Strengths can become weaknesses, we know this. At times, I've
misdirected or misapplied this disposition to situations or relationships in a
negative way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We all want to matter. To belong. To be loved and understood. To
be validated and built up. To be cherished. Some of us thrive on knowing where
we stand while others prefer to coast without a map or specific endgame. We
also make conditions for ourselves: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"I'll be happier when I lose 30 pounds, but I
couldn't possibly be happy until that happens." <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"I'll forgive, but I won't forget." <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Maybe if I were better in this way, I'd be good
enough for him to love." <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We have these internal traffic signals and stoplights that we
obey more than our own longings and yearnings. Don't get me wrong, having a
clear course in life can be so helpful. But it can also become debilitating if
we adhere too strongly to stay open and present to other people and new
possibilities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sometimes, we need to detach. We need to turn off our phones,
let go of expectations, and allow ourselves to heal on a regular basis. And
sometimes, we need to put our own shit aside and come through for others.
Knowing that I haven't been able to come through for others over the past 10
weeks has been one of the biggest challenges. The flip side is when others
don't come through for us in the ways we expect. In moments of alarm and
crisis, we wonder how someone else's world can continue to turn so whimsically
when our world is crashing down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In this area, the best reminder that came to mind is that there
are limits to the ways that I can be available to others at times. And, there
are limits to the ways that I can expect people to be available to me.
Sometimes, we're just not able to help. Sometimes, we're just not <i>willing</i> to help. We get busy, other
things take priority. Or sometimes, we even tell ourselves that we are positive
people and that our lives are going well and that we don't have time for
"negative people". Compassion is reserved for those who really
deserve it. I'm learning to let go of expectations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sometimes, people fail us. Sometimes, people let us down. Most
of the time, I'm prepared to be understanding. Life is hectic, for ALL of us.
But when you are at your lowest, and you specifically ask someone to show up
and they don't, it's almost impossible to not feel wounded and take it
personally. Still, I'm working on letting go of that. I disappoint people.
People disappoint me. And guess what? There's usually a pretty good reason for
it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LAUGHTER<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">As I mentioned above, things got pretty bleak. Not only was I
very conscious of my own physical descent and emotional turmoil, I was almost
more conscious of how my ordeal was affecting other people. On top of that, my
mind often reasoned that I worked my ass off to accomplish my goals with the
career change, and that others made sacrifices to help me realize this goal.
The guilt of not coming through in the time frame I'd set in my mind weighed
heavily on me. Throw in a little heartbreak of a personal nature, and voila!
You've got a basket-case version of Nate. Ta-dum!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Although somewhat embarrassing, I'll share that over the course
of the summer, I’d cry at the slightest or most random questions or thoughts
posed to me by people who loved me. My body didn't work as it did before, the medical
counsel and direction I sought led to disappointment and further confusion, I
was getting further behind financially by not working in my new career field,
and even now, I'm not sure when it will end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">While I feel significantly better and think I'm just about done
with this mess, I had several "good days" where I thought the madness
had come to an end, only to return a day or two later. Recently, I <i>sobbed</i> to three different close friends
and a couple family members. It's a very vulnerable thing to let people see you
that way. We tend to hide or shut off that side of ourselves. We want to appear
mentally strong and emotionally stable, so it's a very raw thing when you
crumble in front of someone. In a way, you're exposing yourself with an approach that
is more uncomfortable than being naked. You worry about how hitting a rock
bottom of sorts will affect the perception that others have of you. But it's only when
you're willing to let others in that your own point of view begins to shift.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sincere thanks goes to the people in my life who held me
accountable and refused to join my pity party. In particular, my twin kept me
grounded, level-headed, and sane. More importantly, Neil kept me laughing my
head off. The thing is, I've been much more irritable than I usually am as of
late. Intense, prolonged pain does that to you. So I wasn't the most pleasant
person to be around. There were even a few arguments. But somehow, Neil helped
me push through the pain and see that light at the end of the tunnel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">At times, we laughed uncontrollably, to the point where I had to
beg Neil to let me catch my breath before he said anything else. My other
brother, Ryan, recently came over for a weekend and the three of us used Neil's
cell phone to make a movie that would make Spielberg and Scorsese jealous. We.
Laughed. So. Hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Laughter truly IS the best medicine. It really saved my life
recently, I truly believe that. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The
ability (and willingness) to look at the bright side of life and see the silver
lining can be impossible at times.</span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> I remember laughing with
Neil one day and then I stopped and sighed suddenly. When he pressed for an
explanation, I remember feeling how unnatural it felt to laugh after having
gone through some heavy things. In that moment, I had to give myself permission
to laugh again, to be happy, to let go and put the unfortunate crap aside long
enough to have a beautifully authentic moment. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sometimes,
we must remind ourselves that it's okay to move on, that we're ready to let go
of the trauma we've experienced, that things always get better, especially when
we allow ourselves to feel the light and the laughter that life provides so
abundantly.</span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">SUMMARY<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The past 10 weeks are among the worst of my life, just because
of the physical pain alone. The loneliness was overwhelming at times. The will
to live and be productive that I felt upon my recent graduation was absent. The
stress of disappointing people or being a burden was a constant insecurity.
Even the way I talked to my twin every day was off, and he noticed and asked
why I wasn't more assured that he was happy to help. The awareness of bills
coming in while my income took a hit didn't help matters. The appreciation for
people who showed up, the disappointment for people who didn't, the
self-criticism for not coming through for others, making sense of it all even
when I wasn't in my right mind. Suffice it to say: I'll never forget the Summer
of 2017.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">All of us experience pain and disappointment in various ways and to
varying degrees. My hope in sharing this piece is that some of my readers feel
a little less alone as they face their own private hell. And more than that, I
want my readers to be reminded that being open to love and laughter during the
lowest of lows is absolutely crucial. </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">For my
physical body, I'm getting the medical help I need. For my troubled mind, I'm
getting the mental help I need. For the aching that is still ever-present in my
heart, I'm getting the emotional support I need. But most importantly, for my
overall sense of healing and well-being, I'm getting the human support I need
through the willingness to just have a laugh and see how comical (and
unpredictable) life can be at times.</span><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'll close with three favorite quotes about laughter:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than
facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only
cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">-Robert
Fulgum<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“There is a
thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and
hurt.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">-Erma
Bombeck<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #006600; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that
is laughter."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">-Mark
Twain<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-6758197357826823592017-07-24T23:04:00.000-06:002017-07-25T23:20:18.618-06:00Pioneer Day: Blazing a Trail of My Own<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLe7HPW-pz_yWbxEwOMy3cp2V7LiHd80T7wv1IgNN__2ayDjvFdBZSBrNeRhR-7ALrhp4qqoCVEiHear4mSElOsRzDUoijh7t11d0ou6WLGDuSIdtKwBCpMkrfVQCORRGlYNHK8yYWNQ/s1600/journey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="375" data-original-width="548" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLe7HPW-pz_yWbxEwOMy3cp2V7LiHd80T7wv1IgNN__2ayDjvFdBZSBrNeRhR-7ALrhp4qqoCVEiHear4mSElOsRzDUoijh7t11d0ou6WLGDuSIdtKwBCpMkrfVQCORRGlYNHK8yYWNQ/s400/journey.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="374">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Mention"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Smart Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hashtag"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Part
1</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gay pride. Mormon pride through Pioneer Day. Birthdays and
Anniversaries. Graduations and Promotions. Special interest groups and
continuing education. Choral ensembles and book clubs. Die hard sports fans and
rock n' rollers. Free-spirited dreamers and conservative realists. The dynamic
extroverts we admire. The mysterious introverts who fascinate us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's fun to consider who we are, how we were raised, and how we
each see the world differently based on those factors. Our own beliefs,
interests, political views, relationships, and hobbies can shape how others
view us. I am fascinated by the many ways we allow events, holidays,
traditions, ceremonies, and other rites of passage to give us reason to pause,
reflect, consider, change, and grow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the past couple of years, I have felt a considerable amount
of heartache about the church that I was raised in and came to love and serve
for years. Today, I put all of that aside and I consider what I have in common
with those early pioneers. Their drive, their spirit, their conviction, their
sacrifice, their willingness, their tenacity, their faith, their hopes and
dreams, their love of God. It's staggering to consider. And even if I disagree
with certain aspects of the doctrine or, more commonly, the culture of the LDS
church… </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">…today, I sing a song of pride and appreciation for my Mormon
upbringing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I allow gratitude to flush through my body as I consider how my
experiences as a gay Mormon have helped me become someone who can blaze his own
trail. I strive to do so in a way where others would want to join my journey,
but I don't always succeed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The focus of this blog (and the way I try to live my life for
that matter) is to continually remind others that diversity and being different
is a beautiful opportunity. Having different beliefs and traditions than our
neighbors should be something that brings us closer together as co-citizens of
God's green earth rather than divide us as enemies who are governed by hurtful dogma.
In that spirit, I wish to say in celebration:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Happy Pioneer Day to all of my dear LDS friends and family!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">May we all consider what path we're on and just reflect on how
different and yet, at times, how similar our journeys can be? How fortunate and
maybe even, how divine we could feel when our destinations might be similar, but
our individual paths to get there end up looking a little different from each
other? In some cases, maybe our destinations aren't the same. But when our
paths cross with someone who is headed in a different direction, how powerful
would it be if we could look at each other and say:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Hey, that's not where I'm going, but I wish you a fun and
rewarding journey. Send me a postcard and one day, we'll have some wonderful tales
to tell each other.</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To those who have gone before me, thank you for showing me how
to blaze my own trail of conviction. The persecution I've endured and the
sacrifices I've made for what I truly believe in my heart of hearts has been
worth it. I hope to one day be regarded as a pioneer to future generations
because of the messages I'm trying to send, and even more so, because of the
way I live my life. I've gained far more than I ever lost in following the
trail I know is right for me. I am finally finding my own inner-Zion and I
can't help but feel...All is well, all is well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Part 2</span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_HXss-bQw5X8rbaeUvWF_eCZobS5NkLQiTaQ3dOszDZFGMbGndUA3oeNx510VrR4r5EuF817Dmk6R0VcK9UzO3THtuC0qQgNXAOcfdTWxRdG1I3DaTUFIqVuNrZAYm3rvZcsa2GBwFQ/s1600/natye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="423" data-original-width="408" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_HXss-bQw5X8rbaeUvWF_eCZobS5NkLQiTaQ3dOszDZFGMbGndUA3oeNx510VrR4r5EuF817Dmk6R0VcK9UzO3THtuC0qQgNXAOcfdTWxRdG1I3DaTUFIqVuNrZAYm3rvZcsa2GBwFQ/s200/natye.jpg" width="192" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="374">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Mention"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Smart Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hashtag"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><u><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Note
from Nate:</span></u></i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Part
1 was taken from a Facebook post I wrote earlier today. I've had a few
additional thoughts as I've considered what Pioneer Day means to me. Here they
are:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
chose the image at the top of this post because it's symbolic. Some may
consider my path to be too unsafe. They may wonder why I can't or won't take
the carefully planned and paved streets within the safety of the local
neighborhood while sitting in a protective car with a/c, stereo, and all the
extras. And, they won't always be able to understand why my path needs to be a
little further outside the local neighborhood at times. I'm mindful that cars
break down and accidents happen, but ultimately, they see this approach as the
safer way. This is figurative, of course.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
have a little more fun with this analogy...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have discovered that the "car" path mentioned above may get me to
where I want to go at the end of the day, so why wouldn't I take it? I guess
it's because I have come to the point where I want to enjoy the ride as well.
So, while my destination is the same, I'm almost no longer comfortable in that
car. After all, in this analogy, it's as if everyone in the car wears a seat
belt, but mine doesn't click or lock. Therefore, I'd just rather walk
sometimes. I feel safer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hear
me on this my dear loved ones who are having a hard time with my sexual
orientation:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Every natural AND godly instinct I possess tells me to take a
path that isn't as commonly traveled. Not only that, I feel like it's time to
get out of the car for a little while and travel my path by foot.</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">When
I was 14, I used to walk home from school, and my favorite part of the daily
trek was when I hit the railroad track that ran along the east side of my
neighborhood. I eschewed the sidewalks and blocks in favor of the allure and
variety of these train tracks. It was during this time that I'd think about the
gospel as taught in my church, who I wanted to be, who I should be, and who I
was afraid I was deep down inside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">There
was something therapeutic and peaceful about taking the tracks home for that
final mile every day. However, this "path" can be treacherous and
unforgiving at times. Big, loud trains hustle by and sometimes, tragedy
strikes. In these proverbial instances, I have observed the others who sit in
the safety of their cars and watch on, wondering why anyone would ever take the
train track path in the first place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Today,
in addition to honoring and remembering the Mormon pioneers, I also wish to
express that I stand strong on the shoulders of my LGBT forebears. They created
a path that I can follow more safely. Rail by rail and tie by tie, these
beautiful creatures lovingly and painstakingly laid down a railroad track of
sorts. Now, in 2017, at age 40, I believe with all my heart that I can get to
the same destination as those who warned me not to take the path I'm on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
specific path and scenery looks a little different. In addition, the comforts,
possibilities, preferences, circumstances, challenges, roadblocks, and overall
traffic along the way will be similar in some ways and vastly different in
other ways. But we'll all get home in time for dinner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To
me, it's very simple. Think of two travelers and the trails they're on:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Same
destination, same path? </span></b><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ok, sure. If that's what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> of them want, and it's what will help them <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> feel that this is the most
successful approach. But why should one be forced by the other traveler to follow
the same path? Or, why should one traveler be condemned by the other if he
doesn't agree with the map?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Same
destination, different path?</span></b><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> We were intentionally created to be
different from each other, after all. Could it be that God doesn't need us all
to follow the exact same path? Or, maybe there is one big path (i.e. Jesus
Christ for someone like myself) with a bunch of smaller paths that can lead to
thee "Big Path". If our individual paths vary here on earth, can't
they vary in beautiful ways in the hereafter as well?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Different
destination, different path?</span></b><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> I'd be curious where each of the
travelers came from and where they WANT to go before having an opinion. Can we
try a little harder to get INTO the hearts and minds of loved ones who walk a
different path and learn WHY their journey needs to be different? Wouldn't we
appreciate their point of view a little more? Can we go a step further and
maintain control, love, and compassion when someone's ultimate destination doesn't
line up with our religious beliefs or worldviews?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gay
pioneers. Mormon pioneers. Today, I celebrate them both:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #004586; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I smile when I think about the path of a devout,
temple-attending Mormon man who loves being married and having a family. He
works hard to provide for his family and to be the kind of man his upbringing,
religion, and personal convictions lead him to be. I cheer with joy at the
prospect of this man's family truly being together in the hereafter, and if a
sealing in the temple helps to assure them of this promise, and if this man
believes even deeper than that and feels with all his heart that this sealing
ceremony was revealed by God Himself, I applaud that. You go, boy! I can see
how comforting this approach would be for this man's day to day life. It's not
rose-tinted and perfect. Actually, this approach can just as readily be full of
trials with demonstrations of humility, obedience, sacrifice, and other virtues
I esteem to be godly. What a beautiful path.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #004586; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I also smile when I think about the path of a gay man who used
to attend the Mormon church but no longer does so. If the man in this
description is anything like me, his decision was based on a lifetime of
experiences, circumstances, beliefs, boundaries, conditions (his own biology
and genetic make-up mixed in with some 'nature vs. nurture' struggles as
examples), and overall rejection and heartache. This man isn't willing to just
to be spectator, he demands and commands enough respect and self-worth to
refuse second-class status. Therefore, his heart leads him to find God in
different ways. I feel hope when this man believes that God is just as
accessible to him now as when he was on his LDS mission. I see the beauty of
this man finding his partner and making their way together on a new, shared
path, with new rules and new possibilities that will lead to a much happier
place in life AND in the hereafter. What a beautiful path.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
if either man forced his path on the other and rejected all other paths and
possibilities that could lead one back to God, suddenly...it's not as beautiful
or individual.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
close with my favorite lyrics from <i>"Come, Come Ye Saints"</i>. I
read them and feel intense peace that maybe someday, maybe even soon...God
could help me and my future husband find our way forward in a safer, more
loving place than the Great Salt Lake can sometimes be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
part of the hymn has become very 'West Side Story' to me. Remember the hopeful
and longing words of "Somewhere"? There's a place for us,
somewhere...a place for US. Me and my guy, where we are not made to feel less
than or persecuted or ashamed. The best part:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #004586; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We’ll find the place which God for us prepared, far away in the
West,</span></i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #004586; font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid; there, the Saints
will be blessed.</span></i><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
don't know where my "West" is just yet, or who my special
"saint" will be, but I'm walking my path in the best possible way I
can. I look to God, I try to love people and share what I can in the way of
possessions and talents, and I face the direction I feel is best for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Like
my gay and Mormon pioneer heroes, I try (and fail sometimes) to put my faith in
God and take it one day at a time. I feel confident that the path I am on will
ultimately end up in my favor as long as I strive to always carry this pioneer
spirit while simultaneously appreciating the differences in someone else's
journey. </span></div>
<br />Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-56605835473581504572017-02-09T03:05:00.002-07:002017-02-09T03:27:23.299-07:00Accepting vs. Expecting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfEVVbYM7E1k0yZ45hJz92CGH9pJ2mSCkYpXLtEF4-R77k0NlGpGTCILAuzeM6iWf-omw1C2geCDgeIHrJ_qX1y4svJeObeLSXNQdrBfQvNxI0xm5a-UrU_FRcenrtt17zfj1cmJuBLw/s1600/expect.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfEVVbYM7E1k0yZ45hJz92CGH9pJ2mSCkYpXLtEF4-R77k0NlGpGTCILAuzeM6iWf-omw1C2geCDgeIHrJ_qX1y4svJeObeLSXNQdrBfQvNxI0xm5a-UrU_FRcenrtt17zfj1cmJuBLw/s320/expect.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;">“<i>Expectation is the root of all
heartache.” </i></span></b>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Many people attribute this quote to
Shakespeare, but the origin is actually unknown. The quote closely
resembles a truth that is widely taught in Buddhism:
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b>“<i>Desire is the root of all
suffering.”</i></b></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When we desire something, we expect a
specific outcome, so the statements are pretty closely aligned.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've been reflecting quite a bit on my
level of happiness lately. There are some really great things
happening in my life, and I am able to feel gratitude and
accomplishment and support and direction and hope. I'm optimistic
about what the future could hold for me. That said, I've come to the
conclusion that <u>I feel disappointment on a regular basis.
</u></div>
<u>
</u>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Since I don't like feeling this way, I
am turning inward to find out what the source of my disappointment
is. Do I just expect too much? Do I base my expectations on criteria
that is fair and balanced? If I become more accepting of certain
things, will that balance things out? Or am I just settling?
Shouldn't I continue to demand that certain expectations are not only
met, but exceeded at times?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Let me start from within. I readily
admit that I expect way too much from myself in various ways. In the
past, this level of expectation was all about covering up who I
really was. Being an over-achiever was a desperate attempt to win the
approval and meet the expectations of others. You can read more about
that <span style="color: #073763;"><a href="http://barenakednate.blogspot.com/2016/07/my-suicide-note-how-i-almost-became.html">here</a></span>.
Presently, I'm all about being my most authentic self and going after
what I really want in life. However, my approach can be detrimental
to my progress (and even to my health) at times.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I'm currently working two jobs and am
going to school full-time at the Utah College of Massage Therapy.
It's been quite an adjustment to keep up with the demands that come
along with this crazy schedule. At times, I want to collapse because
of burn-out. I don't eat or sleep like I should. But hot damn if I'm
not doing everything it takes to get straight A's. See the problem
there? I don't take good care of myself, but I'm certainly taking
care of my goals. Sounds like an imbalance, doesn't it?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Well, I want perfect attendance and a
4.0 GPA when I graduate because I feel that these two things will
make me more “hirable” to potential clinics and spas. I reviewed
these goals with a mentor of mine recently and she reminded me that
while they are worthy and good, there might be more important
goals to shoot for. She challenged me to examine other things
that would make me stand out from the rest of the pack.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Being competitive is good. I've been
pleased to see that I still have that fire after all these years.
However, my own expectation of my performance at school has required
a significant amount of sacrifice. Those closest to me have seen my
constant state of stress and my insistence to run faster than I have
strength. I'm often told that I'm not quite myself lately, or that I
look tired (never gets old). I've been running on empty since
October, but my goals...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What about my goals? And my
attendance?! And my GRADES?!?!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've taken things down a notch lately.
Sure, I have attendance and grades on lock and those two things
will continue to be goals. But, maybe I can accept that a B once in a
while wouldn't do major damage to my overall life trajectory. Perhaps
I can lower my expectations and raise my level of acceptance. Maybe I
could even replace these two goals with worthier goals, such as:</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Being less of a complainer and
more of a champion.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Being more available to loved ones
who may feel neglected since I started school.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Being a positive force to others
in building them up instead of being an energy vampire.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Becoming the most authentic,
loving and giving version of myself I can be.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Focusing less on grades and
attendance and more on becoming an amazing massage therapist. After
all, most of my clients won't give a damn that I got A's in all my
Anatomy courses. They just want an amazing massage from someone who
cares and knows what he's doing.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Managing relationships</b> is another area
where I struggle to achieve a healthy balance between accepting and
expecting. Here are some examples:</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">While I share many religious
beliefs with family and friends, I have expected in the past that
they will see eye to eye with me. That they will mourn with me. That
they will celebrate with me as I navigate my way through life, even
if the path is a little different. I show up for them in many ways,
so I absolutely have expected that they will do the same for me.
However, I've had to accept that they aren't having the same
experience I'm having and that they might not be able to grasp every
aspect of being gay and Mormon. This is an example of accepting in a
healthy way. Sure, I don't like being called to repentance and I can
sometimes feel a chasm between people that I'm meant to be very
close to. But forcing any of them to think as I think and see as I
see and feel as I feel is a wasted effort. It's just not realistic.
My energy is better spent elsewhere. Instead, I can accept that I
have good relationships where love triumphs over any differences in
beliefs, politics, or opinions.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When it comes to dating, I
unintentionally fell pretty hard for two guys in my recent past. It
just so happens that they were taken. Read more about that struggle
<a href="http://barenakednate.blogspot.com/2016/12/a-love-letter-to-my-someday-someone.html">here</a>.
I've expected (or at least hoped for) things from them that I had no
business asking for. While it has been extremely heart-wrenching to
let go, I am trying my best to accept what cannot be. Lowering my
expectations and increasing my level of acceptance is a must. In
other areas of dating, I've been amazed at how disappointed I've
felt by so many guys. Some men flirt and lead me on, only to
disappear, while others allow for meaningful conversations or
exchanges, only to make it clear later that they have no intention
of pursuing things more deeply despite achieving a palpable
chemistry. This is part of dating that everyone goes through. While
I can let go and accept that my love life is not on fire at the
moment (who has time for love right now anyway?), I will not give up
on expecting a high level of output from my future guy. After all, I
love hard and give my all. I may be disappointed time and time
again, but eventually, my persistence will pay off. My guy won't
reciprocate out of obligation. He will take the lead just as readily
as I do in showing me that he loves being with me. This is an area
where I won't negotiate or settle. I'll continue to demand until I
find what I'm looking for. I'm worth it, it's realistic and it's
attainable. I won't settle for less!</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Other than 3 or 4 core close friends
and some family members who step up to the plate consistently, I've
discovered that I put more into my friendships than I get from them.
I will often be the one to call or text to check in or I'll take the
initiative to make plans to spend time together. It's one of the
loneliest feelings in the world to think that if I stopped making
such efforts, I wouldn't hear from some of them ever
again. My expectation of my friends is high because I try to be a
very involved, pro-active friend (um, not counting the last few
months since my social life went out the window, haha). Because I
give a lot in this area, I sometimes assume that my friends will
give back in equal measure. This sets me up for disappointment when
I don't feel that the friendship is as important to them as it is to
me. I tend to take it personally. In some ways, I want to maintain
this level of expectation and hold my friends to the standard I've
set. In other ways (perhaps because I've dropped the ball on several
friends since school started a few months ago), I am able to lower
my expectations and just trust that quality is better than quantity.
Plus, I'm learning all over again that the more I love myself and
can rely on myself, the less I need from other people. Still, this
continues to be a tricky area for me.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In summary, I'll admit: Sometimes I
expect too much from other people. If I gathered up all of the
reasons, relationships, goals, and experiences from the last 5 years
that have brought me disappointment, I think I could safely say that
a common theme was that my expectations weren't met. On the flip
side, some of my greatest victories and sources of joy over the last
5 years were simply a result of my expectations being met. We can't
have everything we want, after all.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I believe in fulfillment and being
content with what one has in life. There is great power in coming to
accept what is and what isn't. We can more readily appreciate our
expectations being met when we have first felt the sting of
disappointment that comes from our expectations not being met. That
said, I refuse to accept the status quo in certain areas. I'll
continue to have expectations of myself and of other people so long
as I can justify them and walk the walk. I'm open to lowering some of
them, but not all of them. There are just some things I'm not willing
to settle for at this stage of my life.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The less expectation we have, the less
disappointment we'll feel. But aren't there some things in life that
we should boldly and proudly demand and expect? Of ourselves and of
others? As I continue to balance acceptance and expectation, I'm
going to be more gentle with myself. I'm also going to assume the
best about others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Part of
this is accepting who someone is instead of who I expect them to be.
I think this is something that we all get to take our lifetimes to
learn to manage, but it's especially present on my mind lately.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Your thoughts are welcome and
appreciated. ;)</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-49098086805428624092016-12-28T16:21:00.001-07:002016-12-28T16:29:36.176-07:00The Purpose of Pain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB0li8gFHund6r9e1tgbCsFiNgHog1pygtT8CFZpycBbr_JJtWs2hyphenhyphenBFpEx3K18ERDAOaVyl8MbJfYYBHxPOwlTg4WsyVr-m3NcIXFL-h1KiTXwxS2VUyUi_37KdAyN6FmiNWFnVAySg/s1600/pain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB0li8gFHund6r9e1tgbCsFiNgHog1pygtT8CFZpycBbr_JJtWs2hyphenhyphenBFpEx3K18ERDAOaVyl8MbJfYYBHxPOwlTg4WsyVr-m3NcIXFL-h1KiTXwxS2VUyUi_37KdAyN6FmiNWFnVAySg/s320/pain.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3410" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3410">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3410">
Last night was probably the worst night of my life. Well, maybe not the <i>worst </i>night, just the most painful. And loneliest. And most hopeless. But I promise to end this post on a positive note.</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3425">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3426">
I've written before about three kinds of pain and how they are the worst kinds of pain I'm aware of:</div>
<ul data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3533">
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3575">Financial problems and the stress that comes from not being able to pay your bills or make a good living and provide for others.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3577">Heartache
from loving someone you can't have or loving someone who doesn't love
you. This includes the pain that comes from losing someone you love.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3532">Physical pain that comes from medical conditions or accidents.</li>
</ul>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3559">
After
last night, I'm convinced that the last bullet point is the heaviest
kind of pain out there. One can recover from financial ruin. The heart
can heal and love again. But intense, prolonged physical pain is the
absolute worst. </div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3880">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3843">
<span style="color: blue;">Why
do we feel pain? What purpose does it serve? Can pain be avoided or is it a
necessity as part of our experience as human beings? Allow me to share
my experience from last night and wrap it up with some thoughts and
musings I've had since then.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3739">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3740">
For
those of you who don't know, I have gout. One is typically predisposed
genetically to suffer from this "rich man's disease". My dad had it, his
mother had it, two of my brothers have it, even a young nephew of mine
has it. Many who aren't informed will dismiss gout as a result of a bad
diet. But it's not that simple. While I have to watch what I eat and
avoid certain kinds of foods, it's not just limited to diet. There are
many overweight people who will never experience gout because they are
not genetically predisposed to it.</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4076">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4063">
Gout
occurs when there is an excessive amount of uric acid in the
bloodstream. Everyone has uric acid in their bloodstreams, but our
kidneys help regulate these levels. My kidneys don't do a great job at that and
so when an excessive amount of uric acid occurs, they start to
crystallize in the joints. This is what causes the most excruciating
pain I've ever known. </div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3895">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_3910">
Typically,
this flare up occurs in the joint or knuckle of the big toe, usually on
my left foot. Sometimes, it's very mild and just causes me to limp for a
day or two. Other times, it's debilitating and causes me to be confined
to my bed or couch. The slightest movement or pressure on the toe can
cause a shooting pain on top of the constant throbbing and burning that
occurs during a flare up. I take a daily med to help regulate my uric
acid levels, but it's not a guarantee that I'll never have a flare up
again.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4334">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4456">
Just
the other day, I was telling a friend that it had been several months
since my last attack. I guess I forgot to knock on wood because I've
been feeling some soreness in my ankle over the past few days. It
continued to get worse and I identified the intense burning, redness and
throbbing as gout. It just didn't crystallize in my big toe this time.
The flare up decided to make a home in the exact center of my ankle
making it impossible to turn my foot in any direction without wincing in
pain.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4525">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4535">
My
brother Neil has helped me through several of these flare ups over the
years. I probably average 2-3 flare ups a year and they began when I was
24. Neil got me all situated for bedtime and I was good to go. He went
upstairs to go to bed and this is when my hell began. I had noticed an
ease of pain in the hours leading up to bedtime, but by the time I was
in bed for even just an hour, I felt pain unlike anything I'd ever
experienced before. Can you tell which ankle? Hint: It's the cankled ankle.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4535">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBDro-Qda2Hvaubv0_x3lTmGJIeErH3lELPfsEMc9PCRObegAIDT3HCFH4FXMWJYCDGQs70iDEqYpflaOqP09W3NLxVG3DyADSHdafFGQ3VLO06AFCV3vsp6vfzqBOwGy7fSFvmM9c_Q/s1600/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBDro-Qda2Hvaubv0_x3lTmGJIeErH3lELPfsEMc9PCRObegAIDT3HCFH4FXMWJYCDGQs70iDEqYpflaOqP09W3NLxVG3DyADSHdafFGQ3VLO06AFCV3vsp6vfzqBOwGy7fSFvmM9c_Q/s320/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4535">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4533">
It
was relentless, constant, unforgiving. I changed my position at least
100 times during the night in an attempt to feel the slightest ease of
pain. I prayed, hour by hour, pleading with the Lord to take it away or
to at least make it manageable. That ease of burden didn't come. I was
drinking lots of water, had my foot elevated, ice packs and Lortab at
the ready, and still...I was sentenced to 10-hour period of unimaginable
pain. My heart pounded through much of this ordeal and at times, I
wondered if I was going to pass out. I had Neil come downstairs once or
twice to help me with this or that, but there wasn't much he could do
about the pain. I probably should've just gone to the hospital. I guess I
just know from past experience that the pain is intense for a bit and
then it eases. I kept waiting for that pain to ease, hoping and waiting.
</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4614">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4615">
It's
a day later and I am still in quite a bit of pain, but it's nothing
like I experienced on hell night. Neil is still graciously helping me
with what I need. I honestly don't know what I would've done had he not
been here to assist. It made me think of others who are called to
experience this level of pain and don't have someone to rely on. It made
me question why God allows His children to suffer to this degree. What
is to be gained? How will I become a better person for having gone
through what happened last night?</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4677">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4718">
I've
had some time to think about it and, while I've been under the
influence of painkillers, I wanted to share a thought or two about the
purpose of pain:</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4717">
<br /></div>
<ul data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4763">
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762"><span style="color: blue;">Because
of my religious background, my thoughts turned to the Savior's
suffering in Gethsemane right away. In His darkest hour, even He
wondered if He'd been forsaken. Could my experience of a sleepless
night, writhing in pain, make me that much more appreciative of what
Jesus suffered? Did I need some kind of reminder so
that I could relate or have more gratitude?</span></li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762">I
think experiencing pain sets us up to appreciate pleasure more readily.
The pleasing things of life have purpose and when we can contrast pain
with pleasure, we can recognize the sweet from the bitter much more
readily.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762"><span style="color: blue;">We are more
empathetic with others who are going through something painful when we
experience pain. It doesn't necessarily have to be physical, but I'll
tell you what: My heart goes out to anyone who struggles with chronic
pain on a regular basis. These gout attacks kick my butt, but they are
limited to a few times a year. I can't imagine the soul-crushing weight
of experiencing this level of physical pain on a daily basis.</span></li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762">Physical
pain puts other kinds of pain in perspective. For instance, my heart
has been very heavy over the Christmas holiday. For the most part, I
stayed home and kept things very low-key because of the sadness I've
been feeling. This sadness is a matter of the heart, a classic case of
unrequited love. But as low as that has made me feel, it didn't begin to
compare with hell night. Once I started to feel an ease to my physical
pain, I decided that I could more readily handle the emotional pain of
loving someone I can't have.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762"><span style="color: blue;">Pain
reminds us how fragile we are and how fleeting this life is. We aren't
invincible. At some point, this will all end simply because our bodies
(in their present form) were not made to live forever. Through muffled
sobs during my loneliest of hours during this attack, I was reminded
that my time here is limited. I don't feel fear, I just feel a renewed
sense of hope and gratitude that I still have time to accomplish what
I'd like to do. Could these physical setbacks just serve as a reminder
to spend our time wisely? Then again, I know people who are very ill who
have done nothing but spend their time doing good things.</span></li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762">Will
I more willingly appreciate the every day ordinary-ness of life by going through hell
night? I've griped to a few friends in recent weeks about the full load
I've taken on as a full-time student with a full-time job. In the
darkest period of my night, I began thinking how grateful I'd be to be
in class or to be working as long as I didn't have to feel the pain
anymore.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762"><span style="color: blue;">I don't
believe in a God that punishes us by inflicting pain. I do, however,
believe that some of the pain we experience in life is a direct result
of decisions we make. So, when it comes to my hell night, I'm a little
mixed. Sure, I could've eaten better and been more diligent about taking
my meds. Perhaps I could've avoided this latest attack. But sometimes,
despite our best efforts to be safe or preventative, isn't pain
inevitable? And if pain IS inevitable, why? What do we gain from it? Why
must we experience it?</span></li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_4762">I
believe that one day, we'll know why all the pain we experience in life
is necessary. Sure, there are the canned answers we've been told. And I
really do believe that pain allows us to appreciate the good things in
life, and pain allows us to become humble and rely on a greater power,
and pain does this and that. But yeah, I don't understand why last night
was necessary. Why was I forsaken for that 10-hour period? Where was
the relief? What was I supposed to learn? I've got some ideas and I've
presented some of them here. But I look forward to the day when it all
makes more sense.</li>
</ul>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_5240">
I
see so many people I love going through pain. Losing a child or parent,
having 4 and 5 miscarriages, struggling to feed kids and pay the
mortgage, intense loneliness and feelings of rejection and isolation,
not getting what one wants or needs from a lover or spouse, body image
issues or other forms of self-loathing, abusive relationships, pressure
to fit in and do what others expect, doing what you want to do rather
than what you're expected to do, cancer, heart attacks, diabetes, and on
and on. <span style="color: blue;"><b>While I will never fully understand all of the reasons we are
called to suffer and experience pain, I know that I am just a little
more prepared to be compassionate to others by going through what I've
gone through.</b></span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482961192010_6009">
<br /></div>
Last
night may have been the worst night of my life, but it served a
purpose. I'm grateful that in another day or two, I'll be able to walk
again. And more importantly, <span style="color: blue;"><b>when I see others go through something that
causes them intense pain, my heart is already conditioned to respond
accordingly. I will show up in ways that others may not be able to as a
result of having gone through intense pain. I will be ready to help. In
that way alone, my pain has helped me become more like the Savior. To
me, it's a price I'm willing to pay.</b></span>Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-65344017680202895772016-12-20T04:54:00.000-07:002016-12-20T04:54:43.575-07:00A Love Letter to My Someday Someone <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFq_OqlBpHfoBMsKK2aMgJKwlclSDPqxEo96__OJQTAbBKMnN59dTuIg31GV1okj2JWy09KLBrzpesEcZJ_LfbDMJT-F43GyLHu36MMS1OZ94hWKk3KuCcCYvziOy3Zkuqo1oF87PURA/s1600/hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFq_OqlBpHfoBMsKK2aMgJKwlclSDPqxEo96__OJQTAbBKMnN59dTuIg31GV1okj2JWy09KLBrzpesEcZJ_LfbDMJT-F43GyLHu36MMS1OZ94hWKk3KuCcCYvziOy3Zkuqo1oF87PURA/s400/hands.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12060">
Dear Beloved,</div>
<div id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12077">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12076">
The other day, I was listening to Bjork and in one of my favorite songs, she sings: <i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12044">"I miss you, but I haven't met you yet."</i> In response to that lyric, one might ask: <i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12470">"How can you miss someone you've never met?" </i>Somehow, I understand the lyrics perfectly. That sentiment has been on my mind for a few days now.</div>
<div id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12114">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12137">
<span style="color: #990000;">In
that spirit, I'm putting pen to paper to express some thoughts that
will ultimately lead me to you. So here I am, in present day, looking
ahead to a time when you will be mine and I will be yours. I reflect
over a lifetime of decisions, triumphs, setbacks, circumstances, and
emotions that inform my current path. Without meeting you, without
knowing you, and without loving you, I turn to you now. I long for you. I
wait for you. Patiently. Willingly. Lovingly. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12448">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12425">
I
become excited when I play in my mind the various ways in which our
worlds might collide. Will we know right away through an obvious crash
of coincidence? Or will our story begin with a slow burn and ignite to
wildfire over a longer period of time? Either way, I remain open and
ready. I feel calm and confident that the timing of "us" will be just
right. </div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12755">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12692">
You
know, I've received untold amounts of unsolicited criticism and
direction over the years about how and when I should approach my search
for you. Even though I found a good chunk of this input to be trite,
useless and even condescending at times, I can recognize that most of it
was given in a spirit of love and concern. People just want me to be
happy. Sure, I wish they would walk in my shoes before doling out the
advice. <i>"It will happen when you least expect it," </i>they say. <i>"Don't force it, don't try so hard."</i> Now why didn't I think of that? Actually, I <i>did</i> think of that and I tried that approach.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13180">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13091">
<i>"Nate, you can't rely on someone else to be complete. You have to be fulfilled and complete as a person before you find love."</i>
I've heard that one too many times, and yet, it's often given by people
I'd label as co-dependent or unfulfilled in life. I know a lot of
people who base their entire happiness on whether they have someone to
love or not. Actually, I agree with the mindset that we can't rely on
someone else to be happy and we can't expect our own 60% to be added to
someone else's 40% to equal 100%. In general, it's well-intentional
advice. But sometimes, I want to gouge my eyes out when someone invites
me to give love more time. I've taken time. Too much time. I'm a
complete person. I've had longer to reach my 100% than most. I'm ready for
love. I'm deserving of love. There aren't any other boxes I need to
check to be worthy of love. I'm ready for YOU.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12856">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_12902">
I
can't blame people for taking an interest. After all, my story is a
little different. I mean, I didn't even begin dating until I was 36
years old. Here I am three years later, single as ever. I'm sure some
have wondered why I haven't managed to couple up within this time frame.
I've felt a fair amount of sadness about it myself. However, I've come
to see that this three-year period wasn't wasted. It served as
preparation for being able to love you more readily and more effectively. </div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13484">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13581">
At
present, I've been in love exactly three times in my life. I was in my
early twenties the first time, but I didn't allow myself to date or
pursue love back then. Besides, he was straight and uninterested, but damn if I didn't
become enamored with him. I'd had crushes before that time and I've had a few
since, but this was something more. We became very close and spent a lot
of time together. I was on a high whenever he was around. Without him
loving me back, I would've done anything for him. His happiness mattered
more than my own. Well, he got married and moved on with his life and
we only maintain contact if I make the effort. </div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13581">
</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13581">
The two other times I've
been in love have been within the last three years. Both men were
unavailable, and I knew this upon meeting them. They were taken, what
could I do? But I suffer from a heart condition that causes me to put
emotion first and rationale second.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13722">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13915">
I
refer to the first man in this recent pair as my "transition guy".
Getting to know him, seeing myself in him, being able to relate so
deeply, developing a physical attraction to him, desiring to get to know
him better, wanting him to love me. It was the first time in my life
that I allowed myself to love another man without feeling like I would
burn in hell as a result. It took me nearly two years to let him go and
to get over the fact that we couldn't be together. You see, I think a
lot of teenagers experience something similar. "Young love" they call
it, but I was experiencing this phenomenon in my mid-30's. A lot of it
was about my specific feelings for this guy. And, to be honest, a lot of
it was that it felt so good to finally let go and be open to love. He
and I remain great friends, but I will always regard him as my
"transition guy" - the man who opened my heart to the possibilities of
what love could be. I was capable of giving love in several ways before
meeting him, but he helped me learn that I could <i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_13994">receive </i>love and not apologize for it. I wasn't sure I'd ever get over how I felt about this guy. That is, until...</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14006">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14031">
Another
guy entered my life in a way that opened me up even more. We'll call
him "Mr. Intensity". What started out as intense physical attraction
grew into intense feelings of love. But, as I stated, he was in a
relationship with someone else. I come across attractive men all the
time and don't necessarily feel anything. I appreciate their physical
beauty and move on with my day. That's how things started here. And then
I got to know the son of a gun. He let me in, I let him in. We related
on several topics. We enjoyed deep conversations. Not only that, he
admitted to finding me attractive, too! What a new concept: Having
feelings for someone who actually could return <i>some </i>of my
feelings. I'm not saying he felt the same feelings for me, and whatever
level of attraction he felt toward me certainly didn't development into
anything nearly as deep as what I was feeling. But this man opened me up
and made me feel beautiful, desirable, intelligent, witty, talented,
and...sexy. I'd never felt so deeply for another person in my life. </div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14426">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14427">
Well...heartbreak
followed. It was my own damn fault. I knew he wasn't available, and I
allowed myself to feel some pretty intense emotions knowing that nothing
would come to fruition. The one thing that gives me solace in letting
him go is that, at some point, you will come along. If I was able to let
go of "transition guy" and develop such intense feelings for "Mr.
Intensity", I know I can let go again. My heart got broken twice. Really
bad. It was my own doing. But after not allowing myself to date until I
was 36, I might have done some over-correcting in my approach to
friendships and romance. I will spend a lot of time repairing the damage
that was done by waiting for so long to date and be open to love. Sure,
I wish my "transition guy" and "Mr. Intensity" could have been in more
of a position to love me and return my feelings. But they didn't do
anything wrong. They actually prepared me to receive you. <span style="color: #990000;"><b>When your
heart is broken more than once, it creates new openings where love can
enter in new and unexpected ways.</b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14648">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_14672">
So
now, I turn my thoughts to you. My lover. My partner. My equal. There
are things I want to express now, at present, without having the
slightest notion of who you are or when we'll meet. There is power in
voicing what you want and putting it out there. Perhaps I'll let you
read this letter 6-12 months into our relationship. It will be powerful
to look back at what I've presented here and see if it supports our
journey or not. I have every belief that it will.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15479">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15070">
I
will be with you because of how you treat others. We won't be perfect,
but you and I will share a common concern for the downtrodden, the
weary, the underdogs, the disenfranchised, the forgotten, the minority,
and the marginalized. We will be united in this level of awareness
because of what we experienced individually before we met and what we
will continue to experience as a couple. Because we know what it's like
to be labeled as "faggots", "apostates", and "menaces to society", we
will actively look for ways to contribute to society in a way that is
true to who we've become. Sure, you'll treat your mother and siblings
and close friends well. But that's easy. What will draw me to you is the
way you treat a server at a restaurant, the stranger standing in front
of you at the grocery store checkout, and the driver who just cut you
off in traffic. Chances are, if you treat others well, you'll treat me
like I expect to be treated.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15478">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15464">
Let's talk about how I'm going to treat you for a second:</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15491">
<br /></div>
<ul dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15564">
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15580"><span style="color: #990000;">You'll be reminded of your worth on a regular basis.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">You will always know that you matter more to me than anyone or anything else.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">Gift-giving won't just be something we do on holidays, birthdays and special occasions.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">At the end of each day, you'll come home to someone who is ready to listen.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">As a lover, you'll know by my touch how eager I am to please you.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">As
a friend, you can totally trust me with your fears and insecurities.
Vulnerability will be seen as a strength, not a weakness.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">As a partner, I'll know when to be insistent and get my way and when to acquiesce and admit that your way is better.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">I'll
take great pride in taking you to family parties, a night out with
friends and work gigs. I want to have you on my arm, letting everyone
see how lucky I am to be with you.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">I'll try to step out of my comfort zone and try new things that interest you.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">I
won't argue with you in front of other people. I'm sure we'll disagree
at times, but I'll use discretion on things that concern only us.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">When people ask me about you, my response will begin with a smile. I'll delight in talking about you.</span></li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563">You won't ever have to question my level of attraction or desire for you. I'll make sure you feel sexy.</li>
<li id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_15563"><span style="color: #990000;">Spiritually,
we won't agree on everything. But there are a few things that we must
be on the same page about. I'm anxious to explore those possibilities
with you.</span></li>
</ul>
<div id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16043">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16022">
Now, one may read this list and think,<i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16158"> "</i><i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16042">That's all sweet and good, but it's not realistic." </i>But I refuse to settle for anything less. I don't require perfection, I'm far from it. I'm just willing to put in the work. <i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16176">"But Nate, you can't stay in the honeymoon phase forever." </i>Bullshit!
Yes you can, and I have every intention of maintaining this level of
attraction, passion, meaning and purpose into my relationship with you. I
know what it is to go without it for so long and I'm not willing to be
deprived any further. You and I will be together because this level of
love is the most important priority in our lives.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16447">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16550">
In
reflection, I hate that I went so long without love. I have so much to
give and I'm finally at a point to receive it fully. I'm not going to
spend a lot of time being sad anymore, however. I can look at the
experiences (and the men) from my past with appreciation, knowing that
they've all prepared me for you. You will be the lucky recipient of a
lifetime of love: no limitations or conditions, no longer pent up and
restrained, fully accessible and unleashed. And I will require that of
you because I'm worthy of it. I demand it because I'm prepared to give
it. You will have to step up to the plate and put in the work with me.
You and I will be together because you get that and you delight in that.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16551">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16616">
I'll close this letter with a reminder of that Bjork lyric:<i id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16620"> "I miss you, but I haven't met you yet." </i>The
possibility that exists within this statement gives me tremendous hope
of what's to come. I may "miss" not having that currently, not having <i>you </i>currently,
but that will change once you're by my side. I'll just continue
preparing myself for you, for "us". And I trust that, at present, you're
doing the same.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16698">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16697">
Until then, my sweet.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16696">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0375217639yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1482222213903_16695">
Love,</div>
NathanNaked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-63299472242319735382016-11-05T03:30:00.002-06:002016-11-05T03:32:59.055-06:00Nov 5th - Taking Back the Power<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3gyFSt4ZX5oEWE93WBeN6nDYorb6RWVIIkcU675Zax7DpapIYe1MRsuy39gYa_oH3IhefZfLMoNf6hOloUYVROB8Gvauasy-q00feRzMmL8moqOrv51llE0-U2h57GajTjd0f8gLIXQ/s1600/naterainbow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3gyFSt4ZX5oEWE93WBeN6nDYorb6RWVIIkcU675Zax7DpapIYe1MRsuy39gYa_oH3IhefZfLMoNf6hOloUYVROB8Gvauasy-q00feRzMmL8moqOrv51llE0-U2h57GajTjd0f8gLIXQ/s320/naterainbow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I've been thinking about November 5th for a while, wondering how I'd
feel a year later. In some ways, I've been dreading its approach, as if a
date on the calendar has more power than I do. Well, here it is, and
while I could go on and on about how time doesn't heal all wounds, I
won't. I could review the various ways in which the policy changes made
by the LDS church last year affected me in so many negative ways, but I
won't. <br />
<br />
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19147">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19190">
In
keeping with my last blog entry where I pledged that I was no longer
going to cast myself in the role of "sad, gay Mormon", I'm not
interested in writing a lengthy diatribe to vent. I also don't feel a
need to convince anyone to consider my point of view. </div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19687">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19282">
<span style="color: blue;">Instead
of giving power to the pain I experienced a year ago, I am choosing to
look ahead and focus on more important things. </span>You know, I will continue
to feel devastation about the policy changes and refuse to believe that
they came by revelation from God. Also, I recently reviewed the newly
revamped Mormons and Gays website and didn't really feel like I was
represented at all. I already wrote about my recent experience with
General Conference as well. But guess what? I'm not writing about those
three topics today.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19304">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19306">
Here's what I will share:</div>
<ul data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19683">
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19685">I
just completed the 4th week of my full-time course at the Utah College
of Massage Therapy. With a little over 6 months to go, I'm loving every
second of class. It feels so good to be passionate about something in
the career/education realm of my life. I'm in the process of reinventing
myself and rerouting my life to look the way I've always wanted it to
look, and this is a big part of that. I spend every day with classmates
I've already come to love and instructors who I respect and want to
emulate.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19689">I'm so
blessed to have the mother and the triplet brother I have. They've been
incredibly supportive of me in many ways over the last few months. I
love you Mom and Neil.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19684">My
friends mean a lot to me and make my life sweeter. The constants, the
reliables, the reconnected and reestablished, the newer ones who have
come to play a significant role in my life, even the ones who I feel
slipping away...old and new, my friends lift me up.</li>
<li id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19682">I
am enjoying my 4th season with the Utah Chamber Artists and we are
currently in rehearsals for our Christmas concert. The music we create
and the sense of family I feel is a boon to my soul.</li>
</ul>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19680">
In
closing, let me share with my LGBT friends and family who are still
hurting when they look at November 5th on the calendar a year after that
heartbreaking day:</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19814">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19651">
I
am here for you. I will listen to you. I will cry with you. I will be
here for you and do everything I can to make you feel welcome and loved.
But I will also have other, more exciting things to talk about. I'm not
here to ignore or discount what you're feeling. I'm just choosing to
focus on the good things happening in my life. </div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19651">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19651">
<span style="color: blue;">I refuse to feel the way I
felt a year ago. I will take the power back and own November 5th as a
positive day. A day of change. A day of reflection. A day of growth. A
day of inclusion. A day of love. A day where I remind myself that a God
in Heaven loves me and would never refer to me as an "apostate". Ever.</span></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1478333751807_19652">
<br /></div>
In the most sincere tone I can use, please hear me when I say:<br />
<br />
<b>"Happy November 5th, you beautiful souls."</b>Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-71700402613099785072016-10-03T21:30:00.001-06:002016-10-08T15:52:06.104-06:00Sick of Being Sad: No Longer a Prisoner of the Past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeFjMHwlwLHqKwZBtvd3btjTuH1fLkHwPPywdhr6aUdchQzLU_AWzMC9NFntg4RGuPclBP6_E2dPIeLuEbj0BQw198SejGZSQkLjfWFl3qu0j8XyuXQNlT0iV7nZk7CJNfBu4jbh9xdA/s1600/prison.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeFjMHwlwLHqKwZBtvd3btjTuH1fLkHwPPywdhr6aUdchQzLU_AWzMC9NFntg4RGuPclBP6_E2dPIeLuEbj0BQw198SejGZSQkLjfWFl3qu0j8XyuXQNlT0iV7nZk7CJNfBu4jbh9xdA/s400/prison.jpg" width="400" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That's
it. I need to lighten up. I need to take a different approach. I need
to smile a lot more.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Here's
the thing: </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyone
close to me knows me to be funny, upbeat, outgoing and inclusive (at
least I <i>hope</i> they do). But those who know me best have seen a
continual grey cloud hanging over my head throughout the years. As
much as I strive to be a supportive friend and family member who
delights in lifting other people up, it's begun to feel like I
project an undertone of melancholic sadness. I get to work on that.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To
be fair, being a gay Mormon sucks in a lot of ways, especially when
you<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> are </span>gay and you still <i>want </i>to be a Mormon. Sometimes, I manage it really well.
Sometimes, I don't. Since starting this blog over a year ago, I've
shared some heartbreaks and disappointments that include the
following:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Growing
up in the LDS church, knowing I was gay and constantly feeling like
I was an evil person because of what I was taught.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Trying
to compensate by being an overachiever who put intense pressure on
myself as a teenager in an effort to hide who I really was.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Securing
a four-year full ride scholarship and walking away from it halfway
through because I couldn't cope with life.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Going
on my mission late because I did mild stuff with another guy. Having
to say goodbye to this friend was hard enough, but what followed was
much worse.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #0000cc;">This
delay resulted in a dark period of depression that was mostly
brought on my rumors and speculation about my worthiness to serve.</span>
</span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Trying
to date girls and be open to marrying a woman someday, feeling like
I was faking it the whole time.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Expressing
how it feels to be a spectator instead of a participant in the
church because of my sexual orientation.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My
continual struggle with weight gain and weight loss, turning to and
abusing food to cope, and the ongoing process of self-acceptance
despite my weight.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Deciding
not to date guys until I was 36 years old, and even then, being hung
up on a guy I couldn't have for nearly two years of that time. I
feel like a 16 year old who is just getting started.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Rejection
in dating that comes from not being good enough, thin enough, Mormon
enough, gay enough, etc.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Turning
down more than one job offer that would've paid me six figures, all
because I didn't believe at the time that I could effectively
balance that and the gay Mormon thing.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Being
absolutely devastated by the policy changes in the LDS church that
came to light almost a year ago.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
I look through this list, I have no regrets b<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">y sharing what I'<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ve sh<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ared</span></span></span>. I don't think that reviewing t<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">hese items <span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">i</span></span>s me
being negative, but this list is heartbreaking and overwhelming. As I
consider what has taken place over the last twenty years, there is
much to smile about, but I'm more aware of the darker stuff. Going
forward, I want this list to turn into a list of accomplishing,
accepting, overcoming, conquering, etc. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyone
reading this has their own list. I'm not here to say that my list is
more difficult. I'm aware of loved ones going through the loss of a
spouse, a child, a job, a house or other devastating losses. Some are
dealing with addictions or medical issues that I've been spared from.
Others are in financial ruin or struggle to move on after the end of
a relationship. The list goes on.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
I've shared my experiences that express how lonely my personal
journey has been, I'm mindful of many of my friends who deal with
their own debilitating loneliness, sometimes even within a marriage.
It's not just the gay Mormons who feel sadness and loneliness. I
totally get that.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
feel a sense of pride (the good kind) as I consider my willingness to
speak up and speak out about the experiences I've had. From the
beginning, my intention has been to let others in my boat know that
they can be gay and still love God and have His love in return. The
response I've received has mostly been positive and supportive. I
think that sharing each entry has served a purpose and my intention
has been to uplift, inspire and educate. When it comes to what I've
shared on this blog, I feel good.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That
said, I've had three experiences lately where I've been a bit of a
Debbie Downer. Sometimes, I play that “gay Mormon card” in an
attempt to get sympathy or even make excuses. I'll explain what I
mean by sharing these three recent experiences. Each one will be
followed with two things: </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<ol>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How
I chose to respond in an ineffective way.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How
I will choose to respond more effectively in the future if presented
with a similar experience.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Experience
1: Musical number in my mom's ward</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My
mom recently moved from Utah to Arizona. In an attempt to be
proactive and to serve, I scheduled a musical number in her Utah ward
for the last Sunday she was in town. Playing piano in church is one
of the things I miss the most. I thought my mom would enjoy it and
feel comforted, I'd ensure that she had a family member sitting next
to her on a Sunday where she was saying goodbye to dear friends, and
I felt good about contributing to the meeting through music.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just
before my piano solo of <i>“Our Savior's Love”</i>, a woman spoke
passionately about the Family Proclamation and how we must do
everything possible to protect the family. She went on to say that
marriage is between a man and a woman. Ok, nothing new there. But
then this: <span style="color: #0000cc;"><i>“We must fight with all of our
might against anything or anyone who seeks to destroy the family as
outlined in this sacred document.”</i></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
was rattled as I sat there and listened. So, am I part of that
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><i>“anything or anyone”</i></span> who
seeks to destroy traditional families just because I'd like to get
married one day and have kids? And what exactly does <span style="color: #0000cc;"><i>“fight
with all of our might” </i></span>consist of? Is she prepared to
take up weapons against me and people like me? Am I really sitting
here, ready to offer a worshipful piano solo and then made to feel
like the enemy moments before I play?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
held it together and followed her talk with my piano solo. I gave it
every ounce of feeling I had. I heard the words in my mind as I
played each verse with varying dynamics. I felt great about how my
song went and was flooded with kind messages afterward from members
of my mom's ward. They specifically talked about the way I played
with feeling and sensitivity. My ego loved the response, but
honestly, I was just glad to have contributed to the meeting in a way
where people were touched. Whether it was by the Spirit or just the
beauty of the music, I felt useful. I haven't felt that way in some
time.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I did in response:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My
mom was as gracious and appreciative as ever. We shared a hug and a
chat in the parking lot afterward. I felt the need to bring up what
the lady had said in her talk. Then, I added something like, <i>“You
know, it sure was nice for all of those people to approach me
afterward and say nice things, but would they feel the same if they
knew I was gay? Would they have been so kind and welcoming and
appreciative if they knew I didn't attend church a lot and that I was
attracted to men?”</i> </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My
mom sympathized with me and I felt supported. She's an incredible
listener. On my drive home, I began to think that I'd possibly ruined
an otherwise lovely afternoon. That day was about my mom and how she
was feeling on her last day in a ward she'd come to love. Instead,
what I was feeling at the moment seemed more important.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I will do differently in the future:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'll
try to consider the needs of others above my own. Sure, there will be
times where I feel offense and might feel the need to speak up or
express it. But I'd like to think that this experience taught me to
consider what everyone is in need of with any given experience. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
better thing to do would've been to focus on my mom and what she was
feeling that day as she was preparing to make a big life change. I
know we are all capable of <i>“making it about us”</i> at times.
But this was bad timing. The whole point of me going to my mom's ward
was to comfort her on an emotional day. I might have come through in
some ways, but I failed in my mission when I felt the need to get
immediate justice in response to what that lady said in her talk.
Next time, I'm prepared to put my needs and feelings aside and use
better timing.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Experience
2: A follow-up conversation to being called to repentance</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Several
months ago, someone I love and look up to very much (let's refer to
him as Gary) sent me an email that called me to repentance. I won't
go into what the email said as I've previously written about it. But
Gary's email devastated me. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">What
I did right early on was suggesting to Gary that we park the
conversation until it could continue in person. That way, we could
communicate openly, face to face and make sure that the conversation
was free of any misunderstanding. I went months with a heavy heart,
but I took comfort in knowing that we'd eventually get to work things
out and come to a better understanding of where each of us stood.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
recently had that face to face conversation with Gary and it just
added to my heartbreak. At the beginning of the conversation, I
pleaded with him, <span style="color: #0000cc;"><i>“Gary, I've waited to
have this conversation and I need to walk away feeling better about
things.” </i></span>He would probably tell you that it went great.
That we met in the middle, hugged it out and came to a mutual
understanding. He would admit that on some things, we just have to
agree to disagree. Meanwhile, here I am, a month later, and I'm still
processing some of the comments Gary made.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To
paraphrase a few:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Gay
Mormon? I just don't get that term at all. It's such an oxymoron.”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>If
you marry a man, you will be excommunicated and you are not going to
the Celestial Kingdom. We already know that. The Brethren have
already spoken on that.”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Gay
pride parades? I don't need that lifestyle shoved in my face. If gay
people are mistreated, I'm sorry, but I get mistreated too.”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
tried to respond to each comment with thoughtful reasoning and
scenarios just so that Gary could better understand why I'm where I'm
at with the church. Ultimately, I just felt that Gary was very
uninterested in trying to consider things from my perspective.
Perhaps<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> </span>he feels the same thing about some of my responses to hi<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">s comments, but I was the defendant here, after all</span>. I'm not the one who called him to repentance or told him that he
was leading many people astray.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There
were several things that were said out of love and support as well.
At times, we cried, and at the end of it, we hugged it out. But I
honestly sat there in disbelief and awe. Gary was not going to budge
in his stance. That's fine, I didn't expect him to change his stance.
But the tone that was used, the raised voice, the unwillingness to
question or consider that we don't know everything. It was
exhausting, for both of us. The conversation lasted at least three
hours.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I did in response:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
talked to five different friends or family members about how deeply
hurt I was by my conversation with Gary. Five people, folks. Not
because I'm petty, but because I was really bruised by the
conversation. I chose people who I knew would side with me to some
degree. That said, I don't surround myself with people who always
tell me what I want to hear. They'll sock it to me if they think I'm
being stupid or too sensitive.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
allowed myself to be distraught about this conversation for weeks. I
let some of the past negative thoughts I've had about myself creep
back into my psyche. I let what Gary thought of me and my life and my
decisions matter more to me than what I feel. His opinion of me
mattered more than my own opinion. I even let Gary's beliefs and
opinions hold more weight than what I believe God thinks of me.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I will do differently in the future:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
good as I feel about parking the conversation with Gary until we
could have it in person, the more effective thing to do would have
been to offer a polite thank you for his concern in response to his
email and leave it at that. Instead, I opened myself up to get hurt
even more than I initially was.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Gary's
intentions were good and I recognize that he has nothing but love and
concern for me and my well-being (read: eternal well-being), so I
can't fault him for that. I will continue to love him and look up to
him. But I will no longer place myself in situations or conversations
where I get beat up or judged or condemned. I will never let someone
tell me to my face that I'm not going to the Celestial Kingdom again.
Ever.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
soon as I sensed that this conversation wasn't going anywhere, I
should have ended it, put a smile on my face and moved on. Instead, I
sat through a lengthy chat that was filled with hurtful take-aways
that I can't shake off. I've cried about that conversation many times
since and I regret opening myself up in that way. I honestly thought
it would be a healing conversation, but it just made the wound
deeper. Lesson learned.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Experience
3: General Conference blues</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It
happens every 6 months. As GC approaches, I have many lovely Facebook
friends who express their excitement. Consider what this awesome lady
wrote the day before:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>I'm
so excited for General Conference this weekend! It's always uplifting
and gives me so much peace, hope and spiritual guidance. I'm so
thankful for the guidance and direction of church leaders, most
importantly a living Prophet and those called as Special Witnesses of
Jesus Christ. I invite you to listen, even if you're not a member of
the LDS faith. You will find personal inspiration, hope and peace
within the talks that are given. Love, love, LOVE General Conference
weekend!!!”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
feel joy for these friends who don't face the same kinds of conflicts
I feel before and after GC. I'm glad that they feel peace and
comfort. I see a number of these kinds of posts. Not only that, I see
a ton of post GC messages like this one:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>I
loved every minute of General Conference! So many insights and
personal witnesses obtained through truths spoken and examples given.
I'm really looking forward to reading and reviewing some of these
talks again!”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If
I were a straight member of the church who dated whomever I wanted
without condemnation, got married to this person and had a family
with this person, and on top of that, I had a promise that I'd be
with them in the hereafter, I would be just as vocal and passionate
and excited about GC every single time. After all, everything that is
said across the GC pulpit is in support of what I would want out of
life.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But
guess what<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">? </span>I want the exact same things this enthusiastic lady wants
in life, with one detail that's different. That one detail makes her
a saint and me a sinner. It makes her a disciple with righteous
desires and me an apostate (according to the church handbook) with
sinful tendencies that need to be overcome.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
won't take time to go over specific things that were said over the
last two conferences or in the women's session last week. I'll simply
say this: If you are a gay member of the LDS church who truly strives
to still make the church a part of his life, GC can be an incredibly
painful experience. How can one member of the church feel such a
strong personal witness through the Spirit that everything that is
shared is true while I feel an overwhelming amount of conflict and
sorrow about the very same things?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well,
that's easy, right? I'm just less valiant, less worthy, more sinful
and more susceptible to the devil. Honestly, that's what a lot of
people believe. And, just like that, I'm taken back to my childhood
and teenage years where I constantly felt like shit. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I did in response:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
watched GC and I sulked. Some of it was lovely and uplifting. But, as
usual, there were messages that caused my soul significant torment.
Then, I went to Facebook to share the following thought: </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i>“Time
to shut the world out and collect my thoughts, check my bearings and
make some tough decisions. How I long for a time when conference
weekend isn't so painful.”</i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">A
flood of messages from friends and family followed. Some of them were
public and others were private. To be honest, it felt really good to
feel of the support and love. How easy! You just express that you're
sad about something by typing out your feelings and then, </span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i>voila!</i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">,
a flurry of comments magically appear.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
problem is that reading through many of them just made me feel even
more conflicted. While some people gave me the simple solution of
just not watching anymore and running away from the church as fast as
I could, other people gave me the simple solution of going to church,
reading my scriptures, saying my prayers and returning to the temple.
Most of the comments didn't give any direction, they just expressed
love. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm
pretty good about taking it all in, keeping what's useful and then
disregarding the rest. But where I failed here is that I turned to
social media at a time when I was feeling incredibly low and
vulnerable. I opened myself up to what everyone else thought I should
do.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Don't
get me wrong. If we are down about something, we can Facebook about
it. In addition, I was grateful for each and every comment. Some of
these comments came from men who had walked my path. I tend to
appreciate those comments a little more even while others in the
chain quickly dismiss their input. The fact that anyone took a second
to express support of any kind was very much appreciated. I'm just
suggesting that for ME, I don't need to be so public and vulnerable
in a way that opens me up to everyone's opinion on what I should do.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What
I will do differently in the future:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've
made a decision that I can't let GC weekend kick my butt anymore.
It's just too much of a roller coaster for me. I will have trusted
friends and family members watch it before I watch and I'll have them
suggest specific talks. That way, I can still consume something that
means a lot to me, but I can avoid the hurtful stuff.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Someday,
I might come back fully to the church, or I might leave it behind
completely. But it will be a decision that is made by me, with my
experiences, thoughts and beliefs serving as my guide. It's gotten me
this far. I'm open to what other people have to say, but I don't
respond to simplistic messages. If you're telling me to read, pray,
and go to church, you don't get it. I did exactly that for 36 years.
If you're telling me that the leaders of the church are evil and to
ignore them, I can't readily agree to that even though you've been
able to move on. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #009900;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Instead
of going to social media, I'll just express my sorrow to a few
trusted friends or family members. I will continue to post thoughtful
blog posts about what it is to be gay and Mormon and I will do so in
an effort to uplift and inform. But I won't express my sorrow through
social media if it invites divisive comments that just end up making
me feel more conflicted tha<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">n</span> I already was.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Summary:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
have recognized in recent years that I'm not as happy as I could be
and I feel like I've taken active steps to see to my happiness,
independent of what other people need or expect from me.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A
significant part of that journey was the decision to date men when I
was 36. I am now 39 and it really only feels like I've been dating
for a little over a year (being hung up on that guy and all).</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
get that I'm not the only one with sadness and trials. I consider
what other people go through all of the time. But the purpose of
this blog is to share my story (triumphs and failures) in a way that
brings hope, light, and love to others. While my main audience is
other LGBT members of the church, particularly the youth, I love the
idea that what I have to share is getting through to friends and
family as well.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've
recognized that I have said “no” to many things in life as a
result of being a “sad, gay Mormon”. I've lost scholarships, job
opportunities, friends and chances of finding love because I have
given in far too often to this dark cloud I allow to hang over my
head.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
don't want to be seen as a “sad, gay Mormon” anymore. By myself
or by others. I frequently lead w<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ith this narrative when there are far more interesting things about me.</span></span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
will continue to talk about the gay Mormon experience. I will not ask
for permission to be gay and be Mormon. I will not be dismissed as
an oxymoron, feeling like I have to choose one or the other.<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> You CAN be both.</span></span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
think I'm doing a pretty good job at navigating this tricky balance.
It may not please my Mormon friends or my gay friends. Just try to
accept that what worked for you may not work for me. Or, maybe it
will work for me, I just need more time than you needed.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
will strive to be a source of unity, light, compassion, open
dialogue, and most importantly, love.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If,
like me, you are feeling that you tend to focus on the negative, or
you have a way of making your trials the center point of your lives,
accept my challenge to take cont<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ro</span>l and change c<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ourse as needed</span>. You are so much more than
your trials, labels, roles, successes, and failures.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You don't like the way the story of your life is <span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">being told</span>?<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> You don't feel like the lead character is being p<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ortra<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">yed fairly or com<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">pletely<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">? Decide now to switch up the pl<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ot and examine new sides <span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">of </span>your prota<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">g<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">o</span>nist (you) in future chap<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">ters. My s<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">tory had a pretty dark beginning, but m<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">an, it's starting to <span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">be a real page<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">-turner.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>I'm
Nate Benincosa. I'm gay. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints. Sometimes, that is tricky to manage. Sometimes, I like to share those exper<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">iences in an effort to <span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">help ot<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">her people. </span></span></span>But there
is so much more to me than that. I'm excited to share that going
forward.</b></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-39338302138366378602016-07-06T05:05:00.003-06:002016-10-08T15:52:40.861-06:00My Suicide Note: How I Almost Became a Statistic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZcP8NFEieYShCvkVDRgmywindO_uXUFaMkTp-A3AI4z9bKHvz0T89f4RHiiwd7bw8Y0-OM76luMDXYLuPrRiK2n016QGILY7RI4l18PDEgknKRfUg4UFC4w7yoRnTnxiFcOWD6Cg8EQ/s1600/image1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZcP8NFEieYShCvkVDRgmywindO_uXUFaMkTp-A3AI4z9bKHvz0T89f4RHiiwd7bw8Y0-OM76luMDXYLuPrRiK2n016QGILY7RI4l18PDEgknKRfUg4UFC4w7yoRnTnxiFcOWD6Cg8EQ/s400/image1.JPG" width="341" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is NOT a “poor me” post. I'm
not looking for sympathy and I don't want my friends and family to
think I'm ending my life. I am not here to point fingers or to place
blame. I do, however, want to be a little more open than usual about
a topic that I have never discussed with anyone:
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #990000;"><i><b>I
have contemplated ending my life a number of times throughout the
last 25 years.</b></i></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
News of
a few suicides last week among our gay LDS youth racked my soul with
grief. I continue to be disturbed, enraged, and compelled to take
action as I see this number increase ever since the November 5<sup>th</sup>
policy changes in the LDS church came to light. I have been hesitant
to open up to anyone about my suicidal thoughts. Once people know
that about you, there's a stigma attached that can be tricky to shake
off. There's so much more to me than my sexuality and there's so much
more to me than what I'm sharing today.</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I am
sharing my journey openly with the hope that others can draw strength from it. I dedicate this post to <a href="http://www.russonmortuary.com/notices/Stockton-Powers">Stockton
Powers</a> and <a href="http://www.bergmortuary.com/obituaries/Wyatt-Bateman/#!/Obituary">Wyatt
Bateman</a> and the others who saw no other option last week than to
take their own lives. One only needs to read through their obituaries
(hyper-linked here, just click on their names) to see how much they
had to live for and what a gift they both were to the world.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u>Because this is a very long post, I
split it up into three areas (color-coded for easy reference):</u></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<ol>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">For the LGBT
teenagers out there, I'll begin by sharing my struggle to overcome
suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and self-hatred.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;">For my LDS
friends and family, I will provide a few thoughts and insights on
how we can do away with fear and ignorance while improving attitudes
and judgments towards the LGBT community. </span>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;">For my LGBT
friends and family, I will provide some ideas on how we can “meet
in the middle” a little more effectively with our Mormon friends
and acquaintances who hold so valiantly to what they believe, even
when it causes us extreme pain.</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;">As usual, I will
try to use an accessible, palatable approach. I will share thoughts
that won't be accepted by everyone, but my intention is ALWAYS to
bring people together and challenge others to look at things from
another perspective.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;"><b>Let's go back
to high school. </b></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">This section will
sound like I'm bragging, but I'm not. I just need to illustrate an
important point by setting things up:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">The picture above
was taken when I was attending Roy High School as a 16 year old. I
was elected as Sophomore Class President, won the title of Mr. Royal,
earned straight A's, had the lead in the school play, and felt I
could accomplish just about anything I set my mind to. But guess
what? I hated myself. I'll talk about why in a second.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I would go on to
become elected as a Junior Class Senator and Prom Royalty the
following year, and as Royal Choir President and a Student Body
Officer my senior year. I graduated in the top 5% of my class and
secured full-ride scholarships to three different universities. I
applied for the President's Leadership Council scholarship at USU.
Out of 300+ applicants, I locked one of the prestigious 20 spots. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I tackled
difficult piano accompaniments for the Royal Choir, sang and
choreographed for the Chamber Choir and won Superior ratings at Vocal
& Ensemble, Debate and Drama competitions. I belonged to at least
10 different clubs, planned and hosted school-wide assemblies, and
won an all-expense paid trip across the United States for an essay
and speech I prepared.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Here's the point:
I didn't appear to be isolated, withdrawn and “at risk” to other
classmates and teachers. I had every reason to be confident,
self-assured, and love myself. Outwardly, I presented an image that
could be admired and even envied. But I was just trying to cover up.
To fake it. To trick people. Years before I ever stepped foot through
the doors of Roy High, I knew I was gay. I knew I was evil. I knew I
wasn't worthy. I knew that I deserved to die. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Why did I feel
this way? The biggest factor, quite simply, was because of what I was
taught as a child and as a teenager in the LDS church. This statement
may be difficult for some to read. But it's my truth. While there was
much I loved about growing up as a Mormon (and still love), the
reality is that my experience looked a lot different than your
experience.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">From an early
age, I was made to feel gross, unnatural, broken, an enemy to God,
and a sinner who stood next to killers and murderers in the chain of
command. I constantly had these thoughts on my mind in church, in
school, and at family gatherings. It was all I could do to act the
part, to never give anyone a reason to suspect what I was. I played
the part so well for so long, but it took an incredible amount of
effort. Anxiety, fear, depression, and self-loathing were emotions I
felt every single day.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Sure, all of the
accomplishments felt great. I delighted in pleasing my parents and I
truly wanted to make them proud. But in all honestly, most of my
achievements were just a desperate attempt to overcompensate for the
badness and the evil within. Maybe Heavenly Father wouldn't hate me
so much if I just did good things to make up for the secret, sinful
tendencies I was cursed with.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Near the end of
my senior year, I was extremely worn out from all the work of doing,
accomplishing, faking, covering up. Our family went through a pretty
significant challenge around this time and I let down my guard and
turned to a dear friend for comfort during the summer before my
freshman year at Utah State. I've written about that in past entries,
so I won't share much here except to say that he and I did things
that were seen as extremely grievous and sinful. It resulted in me
not being able to serve a mission until I was 22. Had I done the same
things with a girl, I would've received a slap on the wrist and there
would not have been any kind of delay with my mission.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Those four years,
from 18-22, were among the darkest of my life. I had to end things
with my friend even though he was the biggest source of joy in my
life at that time. In addition, I had never faced such extreme
judgment and speculation from my LDS peers. I made up stories and
excuses as to why I was not yet on a mission because even though I
was willing to tell my priesthood leaders the truth behind closed
doors, I couldn't be as transparent to friends and family.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Before I turned
18, I had fantasized about how nice it would be to not have to live
anymore, to not have to keep up the production. But during this
four-year period, these feelings progressed to something much darker.
I began to think about <i>how</i> I would end it. Could I find a gun?
Did I dare to hang myself? Would I just sit in an idle car running in
the garage? If I drowned myself, could I make it look like an
accident? Would I get someone to help me? To keep it a secret? No, I
had to do it alone or else they'd try to stop me. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I wrote a suicide
note that I intended to leave to my brother Neil. I don't have a copy
of it anymore, but the main message was that I couldn't feel joy or
peace about either decision. The decision to be lonely, celibate and
faithful for the rest of my entire life seemed too overwhelming. I
made it to age 36 before I waved my white flag, by the way. The other
alternative was to be authentic to myself, to come out, to just be
gay and embrace that part of myself. Even though I have arrived at
that place now, there was simply no way I could have felt peace with
that decision all those years ago.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Neither option
sounded worthwhile. Both decisions would cause people that I loved a
great deal of pain. As I've discussed in past entries, my whole
purpose was to please others and to come through for them. Forget
what I needed or wanted, I was motivated to meet the expectations
many others had of me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Clearly, I never
went through with it, and I never presented that suicide note to my
brother, but I thought about killing myself all the time. I remember
when Brother Kendrick, the principal of the seminary program, asked
me to come up and bear my testimony at my high school seminary
graduation. There I was, in front of most of my graduating class at
the old Ogden tabernacle, sharing what I “knew” to be true. I did
what I had to do, I said what I had to say. It was all about survival
mode. In contrast, I remember the relief I felt when I played a song
I wrote at my main high school graduation later that week. I sat at
the piano and sang an ode I wrote to my graduating class, backed by
the Royal Choir. My entire class gave my song a standing ovation and
I remember thinking, “Whew, I've got 'em fooled.” I just ended my
high school career on a good note. What a relief. That struggle, that
production, that exhaustion was coming to an end.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I went to USU a
few months later and as I met the other members of the President's
Leadership Council, I realized that I was surrounded by other
over-achievers. They were such amazing people who could match me and
even top my list of accomplishments. They just weren't carrying
around a secret like I was. I had just ended things with my summer
boyfriend and felt a tremendous sense of guilt over that. What should
have been beautiful and regarded as my first shot at love became
tainted and something I was taught to feel shame for. I would later
pledge to FIVE different priesthood leaders about how sorry I was
that I had made such grievous mistakes with that boy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">None of the other
members of the Council knew what had just happened over that summer,
they just assumed I was a good Mormon boy. For the most part, I was.
I just felt a scarlet “G” on my chest all the time. Of course,
the other members of this Council weren't perfect. I'm still lucky
enough to be in touch with a few of them and it's been eye-opening to
see that each of them has had their own struggles. But as a freshman
at USU, I felt so lost and hopeless. I'd wander around campus not
wanting to be there. All of the other guys on the Council put in
their mission papers and got their calls and everyone was just kind
of wondering about my mission call. I got so worked up about it that
I left USU earlier than everyone else that year.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">We had a Council
meeting halfway through the school year where our director did a
workshop on tolerance. He started the meeting with an experiment by
saying, “Someone in this room is gay.” I remember how everyone
looked around with wide eyes and how quiet and tense it felt in that
room. I felt that my facial expression and physical reaction would
give me away. So what did I do? Covered my ass with some comedy. My
roommate also happened to be a member of this council and I shouted
across the room in a playful singing tone, “Roomie!” Everyone
laughed and it became a running joke. Even now, this roommate and I
greet each other that way. Our director didn't really know anyone was
gay, he just wanted to see how we'd all react. I remember how ashamed
I felt that I was the gay one in the room and that I felt I needed to
put out that fire stat. To everyone else on the Council, it's a funny
memory. To me, it was a painful moment because it reminds me how
scared I was and how I wasn't allowed to even consider being gay at
that time. I was 19 and could not live my life in a way that would
make me or anyone else happy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I finally got to
put in my mission papers at the age of 21 after getting approval from
the First Presidency and then I flew to the UK when I was 22. I'd
always had a desire to serve a mission, but I'll admit, having to get
authorization from that level of leadership in the church just made
me feel awful. I had to endure several counseling sessions with LDS
Family Services and countless evaluations and meetings with bishops
and stake presidents. Meanwhile, all of my friends had served their
missions and returned home to move on with their lives. I could not
have felt more alone and wounded by those years of preparing to be
“good enough” to serve a mission. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">The over-achiever
complex continued during my LDS mission to England and Wales. To this
day, I loved the experience and I am still in touch with several
people who have become lifelong friends. But I conducted myself in
such a way that would not allow any of my peers to suspect that I was
gay. I served as a Zone Leader for 6 months, the Financial Secretary
of the mission for 6 months, three times as a District Leader and
three times as a Trainer. I can't say that I aspired to these
positions, but I was definitely relieved when they came because it
added to my “narrative”. In addition, I believed that my
willingness to work hard in these capacities would cure me of my
base, evil tendencies after my mission was completed. After all, I'd
had a bishop and stake president who assured me of this.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I've never shared
this with either mission president I had, but one of the most
heartbreaking memories I have from my mission is that during my time
as an office Elder, President Taggart and his wife were on their way
home and President Whitehead and his wife were on their way in. What
a great opportunity to be in the mission office during this
transition. Well, I knew that my missionary file had a “mark”,
and I had to do something about it. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">There was
paperwork in my file from LDS Family Services. As I mentioned above,
I had to be evaluated by trained therapists to make sure that I was
fit and safe to serve a mission, despite being a homosexual.
President Taggart knew about me and we actually had some wonderful
conversations about it. He was loving and supportive. But I always
wondered what he really thought of me. Because I know him to be a
compassionate, loving person, I assumed the best. However, there was
no way that I was going to let my new, incoming mission president see
that paperwork. It was too damning and I didn't want that “mark”
to affect how he saw me. I just wanted to be Elder Benincosa, not
“the gay one that we need to keep an eye on”.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I remember how
much relief I felt when I took the key to the filing cabinet from my
companion's desk, accessed my missionary file, pulled the gay papers
from it and shredded the damning evidence. It made me feel so free
and relieved. In the years that followed my return home, I regularly
took measures to try to “shred the evidence”. I was really good
at it, too. Sure, there were some people who probably knew or did the
math, but I spent my twenties living in fear of being found out. That
the terrible person I was would be revealed and that the lynch mob
would come find me with their shouts and pitchforks.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Remember that
closing line from “Phantom of the Opera”? Christine runs off with
Raoul and the Phantom is miserably sad. The music box starts to play
and he sings the last line: <i>“Masquerade, paper faces on parade.
Hide your face so the world will never find you.”</i> I've seen the
show a few times, but that part gets me every time because of my own
experiences. My secret was just as ghastly as the Phantom's hideous
face. I crafted an effective mask over the years that shielded me
from the disgust and disdain of others.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I hated feeling
that way. What if I actually managed to enjoy the admiration I
secured and inspired others to do the same? What if I had fully
embraced every part of who I was and had others in my life who did
the same? How differently would my adult life have played out as a
result of not growing up in the LDS church? I think about it all the
time. By the way, I'm about 85% sure that a “mark” continues to
exist on my church membership record. This mark will prevent me from
ever having a calling to serve with the youth because apparently, if
you're gay, you're also a pedophile.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I don't blame
anyone but me. My membership in the LDS church has not been bad news
completely. I have written many times on this blog of my love of the
church and how I still value my membership in it. I learned a lot, I
developed a love of the Lord and even now, I have a faith in Him that
is sure and constant. No one forced me to be active in the church. No
one forced me to make the decision to not date guys until I was 36
years old. No one forced me to serve a mission, to earn the grades,
to become obsessed with securing the most votes, to put so much
pressure on myself. I did it all. My choices. But these choices were
heavily influenced time and time again by what others needed or
expected from me. These choices were deeply rooted by what church
leaders taught me, by what society demanded of me, and by what I
believed God required of me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Suicide is
similar in a way. No one but Stockton himself made the decision to
take his own life and no one but Wyatt made the decision to take his
own life. It's impossible to place all of the blame on another
person, to place all of the blame on another group of people, or in
these two cases, to place all of the blame on the LDS church.
HOWEVER, we get to have conversations about what is leading our gay
and lesbian youngsters in this church to take their own lives. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">The blame game
doesn't accomplish much. I hold the LDS church somewhat responsible
in my own experience, but I don't blame the church completely. To me,
there's a difference. We don't need to be defensive as a church and
we don't need to pretend that there isn't a problem. It's okay to
acknowledge that the church is experiencing a suicide crisis. It's
not an attack, it's just a true statement backed by some pretty
damning statistics. I'll get to this in the next section.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">For now, to my
fellow LGBT brothers and sisters in the LDS church, regardless of
age: I love you. I pray for you. I understand you. I stand with you.
If you are currently feeling some of the same things I experienced,
please reach out and get the help you need. I am relieved that things
aren't as forbidden as they were when I was a teenager. But let's not
pretend that it isn't still extremely unsafe for young people to come
out, let alone to come out in the LDS church. Please read some of my
other entries to see how I was able to get to a better, healthier
place. This entry is already long enough as it is, but I hope that
some of my previous entries will bring you hope, options,
understanding, reassurance, and most importantly, a reminder that you
are loved.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I will end this
section by saying that the struggle continues. It wasn't just during
that four-year stretch that I felt suicidal. I remember feeling at
risk upon my return from my mission, upon aging out of the young
single adult program in the church, and upon coming to terms with how
miserable I was two years ago. The past three weeks have also been
especially dark for me, only to end with news of more LGBT suicides.
I had a breakthrough this weekend that seems to be helping me climb
back out. I suspect that the suicidal feelings I've experienced at
various times will continue to resurface in the future as well.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">Sure, there are
things I can do. Steps that I can take. Resources that I can utilize.
A support system that I can lean on when needed. But consider this: I
will always be affected by the damaging messages I was bombarded with
as a young, gay member of the church. I will need to monitor how I'm
really doing on a consistent basis.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0000cc;">I'll confess that
the first half of 2016 has been another especially dark season for
me. But I'm not as scared as I used to be. I love myself and I
finally feel worthy of love from God and from others as well. I'm no
longer putting so much energy into disguising who I am. I don't view
being gay as sinful or wrong. I am grateful to be gay and to serve as
a shining light in a new way. I may no longer be that 18 year old
go-getter-extrovert who could accomplish anything he set his mind to,
but I am more loving, more accepting, and most importantly, more
Christ-like than ever before (or at least trying to be).</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;">I have expressed
so many ideas to my LDS and LGBT friends and family over the past
year that I will try to keep these next two sections down to a few
thoughts. But if you've made it this far, may I suggest that you
check out some of my past entries on this blog?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><b>A Few Thoughts
For My LDS Brothers and Sisters</b></span></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;">We often
take this approach: <i>The church is perfect but the people aren't.</i>
I don't agree with this statement. I believe that God the Father and
His Son, Jesus Christ are perfect. The church does a lot of good,
but it is far from perfect. If we truly subscribe to the Gospel of
Jesus Christ as taught within the LDS church, we also accept the
teaching that Christ leads this church through imperfect people. The
church is made up of its leadership and its members. The church IS
people. Because people are imperfect, the church is imperfect. It's
okay to say that. It doesn't mean anyone is trying to take anything
away from you. When gay members of the church are given this adage
as an explanation for some of the awful things that have been said,
it is of little comfort.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;">Gay people
are not having the same experience that straight people are having
in the church. To me, it continues to be a spectator sport for the
gays while their straight counterparts are given full participation
rights. “But Nate, didn't you read the message from church
leadership about how they love the gays?” Yes, I have, but it's a
pretty empty statement: </span><span style="color: #003300;"><i>The church
has repeatedly stated that those who feel same-sex attraction and
yet choose to live the commandments of God can live fulfilling lives
as worthy members of the church. </i></span><span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Well,
what this really means is “If a gay man chooses to be celibate and
lonely or to marry a woman even though that would bring him intense
loneliness, he can be a worthy member of the church and live a
fulfilling life.” Really? Those are my options? So, my straight
friends get to date and marry who they want while remaining worthy,
but dating who I want makes me unworthy. Put simply, I just think
active LDS members of the church truly need to consider the options
that are presented to LGBT members. It's pretty bleak. I made it to
36, would you have made it longer than me? If so, more power to you.
Yes, there are some who are doing well in mixed-orientation
marriages and I wish them nothing but happiness. But I have too many
friends who tried that to the best of their abilities only to have
it fall apart.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">While
the church has attempted to explain the reason for the November 5</span></span><span style="color: #006600;"><sup><span style="font-style: normal;">th</span></sup></span><span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
policy changes, LGBT members of the church are still devastated,
scratching their heads. The church has not done much to comfort the
LGBT community about these changes. Instead, the approach seems to
be unapologetic. After all, who are we to change God's laws? When an
apostle states that it was direct revelation from God to refer to
gays as “apostates” in the church handbook, it's just a hard
pill to swallow. When another apostle states “There are no
homosexual members in this church,” it just makes LGBT members
feel that much more marginalized. We can sustain our leaders and
heed their counsel, but if something doesn't feel right, we can ask
questions. We can have conversations. We can speak up without
attacking. We can comfort our LGBT members without making them feel
like we are choosing the church over them. But statements like
“doubt your doubts” are of little to no value to LGBT members
who are on the brink of suicide.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
church's official stance, according to mormonsandgays.org: </span></span><span style="color: #003300;"><i>The
experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many
people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is.
Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they
do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the
Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and
lesbian brothers and sisters.</i></span><span style="color: #006600;"><i> </i></span><span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">If
you were a gay member of the church, would this be of any comfort to
you? It is rare that I personally feel love and understanding from
church leadership, I have to be honest. If your research about the
gay Mormon experience is limited to a review of this website, it
doesn't tell the full story. The website does not seek input of gay
couples who are making the church a part of their lives. It features
only those who are in a mixed-orientation marriage or who have
chosen to remain celibate, single, and lonely. The website is a step
in the right direction, but I'm Mormon and I'm gay and I don't feel
that this website represents me at all. At some point, members of
the church have got to be willing to learn about the real
experiences that LGBT members of the church are having. The whole
notion of “It's okay that you're gay, as long as you don't act on
it” is damaging and dangerous. When I started coming out to my
closest friends after my mission, I reassured them that, at all
costs, I would NOT act on it. Some friends and family needed this
reassurance while others assured me that they'd love me no matter
what path I chose.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">To
the LGBT community, talk is cheap. When they see members of the
church offering lip service or hollow exclamations of sadness, and
then those same church members continue to perpetuate harmful
messages that result in self-loathing and self-hate among our LGBT
members, it's empty. Taking action does not mean that the gay
community is asking you to abandon your beliefs. Sometimes, the
action needed is just a willingness to sit down and have a
conversation with LGBT members about what their experience is really
like. Other suggestions for action: If your gospel doctrine teacher
says something hateful in his lesson, speak up. If you see a gay
deacon passing you the sacrament, accept it gladly without
condemning him. If you want to know if your bishop or high council
is doing anything to deal with the increase in LGBT suicides in your
area, ask them. So many ways to get involved and take action that is
not antagonistic. Contact me directly if you'd like more ideas.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">One
source of anger and pain for the LGBT community is that the LDS
church has attempted to tell non-members how to live their lives. If
you support traditional marriage, that is your right. But when you
support a religious organization of any kind that seeks to stop
non-members from enjoying basic civil rights, it's at least worth a
conversation. It doesn't mean you have to support gay marriage. But
at least have an awareness of how your religious views can block
others from pursuing a life of liberty and happiness and how many
would see that as bigoted behavior. One of the most disheartening
things I see is when the members of the church justify their
homophobia or discrimination of others in the name of religious
freedom. </span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I'm
very sympathetic to what African-Americans in this country go
through. I have done my homework when it comes to the
#BlackLivesMatter movement. I believe that things like Black History
Month and the BET tv station are good things although others would
respond with “Do you know how much black people would freak out if
we had White History Month?!" Statements like that disgust me. Such
individuals who makes these kinds of statements are simply unwilling
to admit that Black History was not taught in schools as it
should've been and that every other channel on tv is a White
channel. A careful study of how black men and women are treated in
the workplace, in the educational system, and by law enforcement
compared to how their white counterparts are treated is staggering.
I can't believe some of the racist or ignorant comments I've heard
on these topics. So when I see someone plead “ALL lives matter”,
I roll my eyes. I mean, it's true. All lives DO matter. But the
#AllLivesMatter movement is insensitive. It just takes away from the
painful, real experiences our African-American brothers and sisters
have had to endure in the past and will continue to endure. I could
go on, but there is an interesting comparison happening among LGBT
people in the LDS church. Some members find it necessary to defend
the church and plead that suicide isn't just limited to the LGBT
community and that the church is not responsible. They go a step
further sometimes and state that if gay people are going to “live
that lifestyle”, they should just build their own church and leave
this church behind. I have addressed these kinds of attitudes in
past entries. Put simply, it's okay for active, devoted members of
the church to admit that we have a really big problem with the
increase in LGBT suicides as of late. One can still have a
testimony, serve in a calling, attend the temple, and take the
sacrament while having an awareness that something needs to change.
My attempt is never to get a member of the church to leave the
church. Who am I to take away from the peace and assurance that
living by LDS standards brings to others? But, at the same time, we
can't be in denial. We can't just close our eyes and plug our ears.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I've
said it before and I'll say it again. Words like “lifestyle” and
“agenda” are just fear-based hate speak. The gay people I
associate with want a lifestyle that looks remarkably like your
lifestyle. The agenda that I see gay people pushing is simple:
Equality. If you have something against gay people, look within and
try to determine if what you're feeling is fear-based or just borne
out of ignorance. If you feel that the LGBT community is aggressive
and scary, please be willing to do some research to better
understand how the church first hurt them. Most of the things I've
seen and heard from the LGBT community regarding the church is
reactionary. It's in response to something the church did or said.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">LDS
people can't assume that all gay people are miserable and devoid of
the Spirit. The gay people I know are among some of the happiest
I've ever met. Their relationships are solid and rewarding. “Yeah,
but Nate, that happiness won't last. We can't give up what we really
want for what we want right now.” I don't buy that. I think that
I've experienced untold amounts of sadness, despair, and depression
over the years. It has only been since I stopped agreeing to a life
of celibacy and loneliness that I've begun to reclaim hope and
happiness. And guess what? I don't feel a complete absence of the
Spirit in my life. I continue to feel God's love for me.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
can readily see why any straight, married couple in the church wants
to attend church, go to the temple and serve. What is promised to
such a couple is simply amazing. There is nothing in the church that
is taught over the pulpit that is in conflict with a temple-married
couple's union. On the other hand, I've had friends and family say
to me “Nate, you just have to make the same choices I've made and
you can have every blessing I have.” This simply isn't true. I'd
encourage members of the church to truly consider that LGBT members
aren't just lacking in faith. I've had faith in spades, I've prayed
the gay away for years. And I'm still in the same situation I was in
20 years ago. Maybe it's not the Lord's will for me to be “cured”
of my homosexuality. It's actually quite beautiful to consider how
the LGBT community fits into God's plan. After all, the LGBT people
I have in my life are some of the loveliest, kindest, warmest and
most positive people I know.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Church
leadership has presented many teachings that have later been updated
or corrected. For instance, contraception of any kind used to be
regarded as a “gross wickedness”, African-Americans used to be
dismissed as the seed of Cain and regarded as an inferior race, and
sexual orientation was something that was chosen. Since then, the
Brethren have had to apologize and acknowledge that they were
working with a limited knowledge. I'm not suggesting that the
Brethren are going to suddenly announce that gay marriage is okay,
but sometimes as members of the church, we become so fiercely
defensive of church leaders, that we can't admit that, at times,
they got it wrong. It doesn't mean they're bad people, it doesn't
mean they're not inspired. It just means that they are human and
they make mistakes too. It also means that, at times, personal
beliefs, prejudices, biases and traditions were presented as
doctrine that came directly from God. Most LDS members I know accept
every word that comes out of the mouths from the First Presidency
and the Twelve as solid truth without questioning it. I don't have
that luxury because sometimes, what is presented puts me at complete
odds with God. Sure, we all have General Conference talks that “kick
our butts”. I need to keep the Sabbath day more holy, I need to do
better about paying a full tithing, I should read my scriptures more
consistently. Compare those kinds of take-aways to mine: Who I am
and what I want in life makes me an enemy to God. I challenge each
of you to listen to the October conference with an LDS-LGBT set of
ears and just try to imagine what that experience actually feels
like.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #006600;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
could go on. I'm just asking my active LDS brothers and sisters to
approach this topic with sensitivity and an open mind. I don't think
my sister will mind me sharing this: She has always been supportive
of me. She is one of the most loving people I know. We had a
conversation earlier today that meant the world to me. She was
asking a lot of questions in an effort to understand me better.
There were several moments where tears filled her eyes and she just
apologized for the things I've had to go through as a gay member of
the church who is still trying to stay involved. She was truly open
and teachable and willing to mourn with me and just as willing to
get excited with me as we talked about what my life could be. That
is what LGBT members of the church need, someone like my sister. Not
only that, talking with her helped my attitude change a little. I
learned a lot from her perspective as an active member of the
church, which leads us to...</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">A
Few Thoughts For My LGBT Brothers and Sisters</span></b></span></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Could
it be that the way we choose to communicate with the LDS church
could also use some work? Can our approach be more effective as
well?</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
have LDS family and friends who are some of the best people I know.
They are kind, compassionate, willing to have conversations, open to
diversity. And yet, they've been dismissed as bigots and
hate-mongers. I get it. If these faithful members of the LDS church
are simply trying their hardest to live by the doctrines and
teachings taught to them, and on top of that, they exercise their
faith in a way that is hurtful and damaging to the LGBT community,
it's very tricky. But I have seen the hurt go both ways. Not only
have I seen LDS attack LGBT, I've also seen some of my LGBT friends
and acquaintances spew out some of the most vitriolic words
possible. I'm willing to readily understand the source of such rage,
pain, devastation. I know it all too well. But can we possibly have
more thoughtful conversations leading to change if our approach
changes as well?</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Some
of my very own LGBT brothers and sisters have attacked me and made
me feel small because I still want some kind of involvement with the
church. So, not only am I made to feel unwelcome in the LDS church
at times, I am also made to feel unwelcome in my own community. I
get it. If the LDS church as an organization has done things that
hurt my gay brothers and sisters and then I express that I still
have a love of the church, that is problematic. It makes some of you
feel like I'm being insensitive to your plight or the experiences
you've had. This has been a tricky area for me to manage. I wish I
could readily rid myself of any affiliation with the church, but I'm
not you and you are not me. I am just navigating my life in the best
way I can and trying my best to allow others to do the same. I hope
my LGBT friends will do their best to be as open-minded and
understanding as my sister was during our recent conversation. Could
it be that some of our beautiful LGBT teenagers took their lives
because they felt pressure from both sides? We want to point the
finger at religion, but we're not as willing to consider how that
level of hate toward the church can also have a negative effect on
our impressionable youth.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #660066;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
love each of you so much. I see your beauty, bravery, vulnerability,
pride, tenacity, and love. I strive to take the best parts of
Mormonism and the best parts that I've picked up from my LGBT
friends and roll it all up to the best version of myself I can
produce. As much as I'm asking the LDS community to allow me to
embrace my sexuality, I'm asking you to allow me to continue
embracing my spirituality. I get that not everyone feels the way I
do, but </span><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>to me, my
spirituality is just as important to me as my sexuality. They are
both parts of me that I need to be free to discover and develop.</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
If you block those efforts, you're no different than the LDS
community you condemn.</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">In
closing, I hope that sharing my own experience not only helps my LGBT
friends and family who have experienced some of the same challenges,
but that it gives my LDS friends and family my truest version of what
it's really like to grow up gay in the LDS church. I can't speak for
other LGBT members or ex-members of the church, but this has been my
experience.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">We
must mourn for our LGBT members who take their own lives. But then we
must act, affect change, raise awareness, have difficult
conversations, and let everyone worship and love as they choose.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
have every reason to hate the LDS church because of my own
experiences. But I don't. I love many things about the church. I love
my friends and family members who have testimonies of many things
that they regard as sacred truths. I see eye to eye on many of these
doctrines. I ache and feel intense pain for some of the other
doctrines and policies. But I will respect the journey my LDS friends
are having. I will celebrate their right to believe what they
believe. I will continue to speak up when I see harm. At the same
time, I will continue to be outspoken as a gay member of this church.
I will walk with my LGBT brothers and sisters. I will continue to
understand their heartache, their anger, their despair, and their
need to live lives that are meaningful, authentic, and just as full
of purpose as their LDS counterparts.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
am Stockton Powers.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
am Wyatt Bateman.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
am Nate Benincosa.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHolWvTJL1mcI82JluRGOw8BeHGzcDHWRxQB8GF01hsL-urQWI_uoTPUQT6ZRwDNjvoIiUK0YrOiR2VMogkJAKFnaRS21bUbImiLNEu58yJdsfb-ftKaE_5JcDOLnNKl5Gm2wLCBQbfg/s1600/lonely.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHolWvTJL1mcI82JluRGOw8BeHGzcDHWRxQB8GF01hsL-urQWI_uoTPUQT6ZRwDNjvoIiUK0YrOiR2VMogkJAKFnaRS21bUbImiLNEu58yJdsfb-ftKaE_5JcDOLnNKl5Gm2wLCBQbfg/s400/lonely.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com58tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-90310784250103748632016-06-07T06:36:00.002-06:002016-06-07T06:36:56.056-06:00Your son is gay? Here's what I'd suggest.<div id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11624">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM2R9Jh464kP-TzPNn-pmByk8JMnM3xEz4wbjTt0GpHQOmTPDjSsbVUEzFPXaQtzS7iikUs1Yimgd6SswtyuF84uB_biPUWEO8ACTerJn4qq7uJLbccQswmu8gLN0m6RlNWPu7F7eMvg/s1600/boy_scout_rainbow_flag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM2R9Jh464kP-TzPNn-pmByk8JMnM3xEz4wbjTt0GpHQOmTPDjSsbVUEzFPXaQtzS7iikUs1Yimgd6SswtyuF84uB_biPUWEO8ACTerJn4qq7uJLbccQswmu8gLN0m6RlNWPu7F7eMvg/s320/boy_scout_rainbow_flag.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11624">
</div>
<div id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11624">
As a senior
at Roy High School, I was listed in the yearbook as <i>"Most Likely to
Have Ten Kids"</i>. The yearbook staff eschewed traditional "most likely"
topics and came up with some funny ones instead. I remember feeling
inner turmoil even then when I found out about the vote. I was only 17,
closeted, and I didn't know if I'd ever marry a woman or have kids. Back
then, my mind wasn't really open to the possibility of becoming a
father in a gay relationship. I felt like such a fraud posing for the
yearbook photo. </div>
<div id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11961">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11895">
Since
then, I've thought about that vote. Why was I chosen for that category?
I could flatter myself and say that it was because I truly made an
effort to get to know everyone and make them feel included. Maybe it was because I was very
much into the LDS church and made an effort to teach the gospel here and
there. I couldn't get enough of seminary and I possessed a real thirst for
knowledge, as taught by the church. Or maybe it was because I had a lot
of friends who would come to me for guidance and advice. When I put my
ego aside, I realize that the biggest reason for earning this
"distinction" was that I was the youngest of 8 kids. During my sophomore
year, there were FIVE Benincosa kids roaming the halls of RHS. The joke
was that you were bound to run into at least one Benincosa between each
class. </div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11895">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-i7QcZ13TVs6GZS3o2m1FsoffCsVgOM-8cRWaLdiRiXFpVkLQPqPJ2lSwKrE-b-KbgWP1OISnr536hh_Tf5YyM8mWnxHlWYMOm8hHTGsbYw8gG3Nt1gdZyAf6YfD9Vys9eTvwHM9tzA/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-i7QcZ13TVs6GZS3o2m1FsoffCsVgOM-8cRWaLdiRiXFpVkLQPqPJ2lSwKrE-b-KbgWP1OISnr536hh_Tf5YyM8mWnxHlWYMOm8hHTGsbYw8gG3Nt1gdZyAf6YfD9Vys9eTvwHM9tzA/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="237" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11895">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_11739">
In
hindsight, it was just a silly yearbook thing. I've come to give myself
enough credit to think that I have a valuable point of view. But who am
I to give parenting advice? Well, I think I could've been an amazing
father. I've mourned over the years I lost where this dream could've
been realized. I feel like I've been a father in many ways to many
people. In recent years, I am open to the idea of becoming a father and
raising children with a wonderful companion.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12146">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12147">
That
won't be enough for some to accept any advice I have to give. I'll
readily agree that until I have kids of my own and raise them, I
couldn't possibly understand all of the complexities and
responsibilities associated with being a parent. With total respect and
appreciation, I want to send a message of support to all of the parents
out there who are earnestly trying to raise their children to the best
of their ability.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12213">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12302">
With
that in mind, I have a point of view that can be helpful. I'm not here
to correct parents or tell them how to raise their kids. I'm just here
to offer my experience and my advice. Since I started this blog less
than a year ago, I've had several parents reach out to me for support.
I'm not a trained psychologist and I don't pretend to be. I'm just a
simple guy who gives a damn about the experience your gay children may
be having in the church and in your households.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12349">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12350">
A longtime friend recently contacted me about her son:</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12365">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12368">
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">"Nate, what advice do you have for raising a gay child from a
faithful Latter-day Saint perspective? I feel like I may need to
prepare for this. I want my child to feel loved and accepted by his
Heavenly Father despite the harsh reality that his natural feelings may
not be able to be expressed without a feeling of condemnation. It is a
painful and overwhelming thought. I don't know how to balance teaching
that his natural feelings may not be able to be expressed fully, with
needing to let him know he is 100% supported and loved."</span></i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12377">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12378">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">First
of all, I must say that I loved the way this parent posed her question.
Her question was not at all about changing her son. This mother's
concern was about protecting him and loving him. She senses her
child might be gay and she's preparing to parent in a way where this son
feels God's love and her love and support. What a great start!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14601">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12554">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">One
thing to note is that this friend asked for advice <i>"from a faithful LDS
perspective"</i>. Well, that's tricky for me because, according to the
official church handbook, I am an <i id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12560">apostate</i>.
Like, literally, that word is used to describe me in the handbook. I
live my life the best way that I can. With each entry on this
blog, I've tried to express how much I have loved and supported the
church even when I don't feel that in return at times. The purpose of
this blog continues to be how I'm navigating my membership in this
church while embracing my sexuality in an authentic way. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12554">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12554">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">My previous entries should serve as advice to parents. I hope many of you can glean from what I've shared and relate it to your own experiences. I can only
offer advice from my point of view and I hope that it is of some worth
to my friend (who gave me permission to share her question) and to many
of my readers.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12600">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12601">
<span style="color: purple;"><u><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Put simply, here are the 3 main bits of advice I can give to an LDS parent raising a gay son:</span></u></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12621">
<span style="color: purple;"><b><br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12622">
<span style="color: purple;"><b><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">1. Love the hell out of them. No conditions. No ultimatums. Your job is simply to love them completely.</span></b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12641">
<span style="color: purple;"><b><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">2.
Assure them of God's love. I get that some of my readers don't believe
in God and I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone. But that is something I
very much share with active LDS folks: A belief that there is a God and
that He loves us more than we'll ever understand, regardless of our
sexual orientation.</span></b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12681">
<span style="color: purple;"><b><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">3.
Teach them to love themselves. No shame, no guilt, no fixing, no
changing, no curing. Teach them to embrace EVERY aspect of who they are.</span></b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12725">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12724">
<span style="color: purple;"><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Put
simply, my friend's potentially gay son will be just fine if he knows
God loves him, his parents love him, and he is taught to love himself.
Now, it's not always that simple, but that's the visual triangle I'd
start with.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12769">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12770">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">See,
to me, being gay isn't something that needs to be fixed. It's not
something to cry over or have fear about. Do you really think God would
send you one of his gay children, have you raise him as best you can in
your limited state only to condemn him to a bad situation eternally?
Just do your best to love him and God will see to the rest. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12835">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12836">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">This
might upset some parents, but hear me out. I see many parents bring
children into this world who become shocked or angry when their kids
don't agree 100% with every position or belief they have. The audacity
of parents who want to mold and shape mini-me versions of themselves
astounds me. I have no patience for parents who kick children out of the
home upon hearing that they're gay. I shudder to think how these kinds
of parents will account one day for such an unloving act.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14714">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14729">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Now,
don't get me wrong. I totally am on board with having kids and wanting
to raise them with tools and resources they'll need to be good,
upstanding citizens and contributors to society. I also get that many
parents feel that one of the best ways to do that is to enforce certain
religious rules that will ensure their salvation. I'm sympathetic enough
to know that the main emotion many parents have is fear: the fear that they
won't be with their children in the hereafter. What a sad and scary
thought! So I get it. Parents raise their kids similar to the way they
were raised and they want their children to walk in the right way so
that they can be together forever.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14684">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12953">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">I'm
not opposed to that. However, I don't believe in an unkind God who
entrusts us, imperfect and sinful as we are, to raise His children only
to damn them when we don't raise them perfectly. I truly believe that a
loving Heavenly Father, a Master Parent, accepts our strengths,
weaknesses, successes and failures as parents. Many LDS parents feel a
need to cure their children of their homosexuality. I will continue to
maintain that God sends millions of His gay and lesbian sons and
daughters to earth for a purpose we don't fully understand. I feel that
one of my personal responsibilities as a gay member of the LDS church is
to teach compassion, acceptance, tolerance, understanding, awareness,
and how to avoid judging others. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14764">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13086">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">LDS
parents, if your child comes to you and announces he or she is gay, I
plead with you. Throw your arms around them, love them and assure them
that they aren't broken. See the blessing that this is in your lives and
their lives. Try to understand what a beautiful instrument they can be
in teaching others how to embrace diversity and accept differences.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13164">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13163">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">In
my case, my dad wasn't around much during my childhood and teenage
years. I didn't truly get to know him until I was 19. My mother did an
amazing job raising 8 children (on her own for many of those years). I
feel blessed for being born into the family I was. But with that in
mind, there are a few things I could recommend if you are LDS and your
son is gay:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13382">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13257">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><span style="color: purple;">1.
If your son plays with a doll or tries on a dress as a young boy, don't
panic. It doesn't mean he can't also enjoy sports and play with cars.
Trying to correct a child to stick to gender-specific stereotypes at
such a young age can have a long-lasting and negative effect. It sends a
message at a very impressionable age that he "needs to change". Is it
the end of the world if your son plays with a Barbie or your daughter
plays with toy dump trucks?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13351">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13350">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">2.
If your son is in kindergarten and has mostly girl friends, it's ok.
Teach him to make friendships, period. It will serve him well in the
future. Don't put rules on the boy/girl ratio. Let him be drawn to
whomever he is drawn to.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13409">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13410">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><span style="color: purple;">3.
If your son is told by a Primary teacher in church that two men getting
married is sinful and your son has a classmate with two dads, take the
time to educate your son about God's love for each one of us. Sure, if
you feel so inclined, teach the law of chastity as taught within the
church, but then ask your son what he actually thinks about it. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13490">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13491">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">4.
If your son wants to be baptized but you know he's gay, let him get
baptized. He just wants to be like Jesus. He's not making temple
covenants. Educate your son that his classmate with two dads doesn't
have the same privilege and that his classmate can only get baptized
when he's 18 and disavows the marriage that his two dads have. Tell your
son that he's lucky to be gay and born to straight parents instead of
to gay parents so he doesn't have to wait till he's 18. I mean, imagine
your sweet boy turning 18 and saying, "I want to be baptized, therefore,
I disavow your relationship even though we've been a family unit for
the past 18 years." You may sense some bitterness on this one, but yeah, it's a sore spot.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13579">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13580">
<span style="color: purple;"><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">5.
If your son wants to know about the birds and the bees, teach him how
babies are made. But include ALL of the ways God allows His children to
be born. Teach him that God loves all types of families. I remember feeling less than because I was raised by a single mother. My family was incomplete, not good enough. Erase the message that only families with a father and a mother are acceptable.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13611">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13610">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">6.
If your son doesn't enjoy cub scouts, don't force it. Same thing with
boy scouts. Earning merit badges and learning how to tie knots and how to
start a fire will not change his sexual orientation. On the other hand,
he might love scouts. Don't assume that because he's gay that he
wouldn't enjoy camping and other outdoor activities.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13659">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13660">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><span style="color: purple;">7.
If your son feels uneasy about passing the sacrament as a deacon, don't
force it. Ask the right questions. I remember being told by priesthood
leaders that who I was needed correction. It made me feel unworthy to
serve even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I spent 12-18 being
taught that gay people were sinful and that their sins were next to
murder. Can you imagine the inner struggle I had with my identity? I
felt so guilty blessing the sacrament over that microphone because I was
taught that I was in total opposition to God. I wasn't even dating or
kissing or masturbating and yet I carried so much guilt around, all the
time.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14865">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13708">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">8.
If your son wants to dance or play music or act in high school, support
him. Don't expect him to live out your lost high school dreams in areas
that you are passionate about. The friends he will make and the
experiences he will have in being part of something bigger than himself
will set him up for success in the future. I remember a boy in high
school who wanted to dance with the color guard. I made fun of him to my
friends. But what courage he had. I often think what his parent's must've thought. Sit on the
sideline and cheer him on as loudly as you can. Also, don't assume that
your son won't want to play sports. Expose your son to all of the
possibilities when it comes to hobbies and getting involved in school.
Don't assume. Just introduce and let your son go where he feels a
connection.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13789">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13790">
<span style="color: purple;"><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">9.
If your son wants to go to a high school dance with another boy, it's
not the end of the world. I'd be more concerned about the bullying he
might get from his school, but even that is an opportunity to teach him
how to be true to himself in the face of adversity. If it truly causes
you pain to see your son go on a date with another boy (or eventually
have a boyfriend), take it to the Lord and ask for peace and
understanding. Assess why you are sad or scared. But don't shame your
son into denying his feelings. During my teenage years, I felt a lot of
things for a lot of guys. I suppressed every impulse to flirt or hold
hands or kiss guys because of what I was taught growing up in the
church. Meanwhile, all of my friends dated and had experiences that I
totally missed out on. That added to my turmoil as a teenager.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13886">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13885">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">10.
If your son decides not to serve a mission, assure him that your love
isn't conditional on that decision. Teach him that he can still be a
missionary in other ways. He can still teach others how to love and be
like the Savior. But take some time to find out if he truly has a belief
in God. Does he believe in Jesus Christ? How does he understand the
atonement? What are his beliefs about the afterlife? Don't just assume
he's where you are at when it comes to the gospel. Also, just because he doesn't serve a missions doesn't mean he's slamming your beliefs.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15006">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15074">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><span style="color: purple;">11.
If your son does want to serve a mission, educate him about making
temple covenants first. Receiving the endowment is required to serve a
mission. I was prepared to serve a mission and I enjoyed the experience
very much. But in hindsight, I was not prepared to make the covenants I
made. "No sexual relations outside of marriage", right? But that doesn't
include gay marriage. So, as a young man, I was covenanting in the
temple to be celibate and lonely for the rest of my life. None of my
straight peers were expected to make that same covenant, but I was. I feel
guilt about making those covenants when I wasn't prepared to do so. But
hey, it was a prerequisite to going on a mission that I'd worked so hard
to be eligible for. Your son is not just deciding to serve a mission at
that time. He is also deciding to make serious covenants. Is he truly
ready or interested? Are broken covenants the end of the world? Is the
Lord mighty to save? Just something to consider.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13942">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_13943">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">12.
If your son decides to leave the church, I get how that would be
upsetting to active LDS parents. But leaving the church is not the same
thing as throwing away one's exaltation. Heavenly Father is 100% clear
on the experiences I endured in the church as a kid in primary, as a
young man trying to honor his priesthood, as a missionary, as a single
gay man trying to get fully involved in the singles program, as a grown
man who served in a variety of church positions, and as a gay man who
doesn't attend much these days. And guess what? He gets it. He
understands me. He is loving and merciful. To me and to all of the men
and women in the church who hurt me along my journey. God accomplishes
His purposes through ALL of His children, LDS or not.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15075">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14060">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><span style="color: purple;">13.
If your son decides to marry another man, have as much happiness for
him as you'd have for your daughter who married in the temple. Don't
show your son a lesser portion of your love and support. Don't tell him,
"I'm happy you found love, but I can't support your marriage." Do you
have any idea how it would feel for your son to have FINALLY found love
after the difficult journey he's had only to hear that his own parents
can't support him on his wedding day? Teach your son what kind of a
family is possible through surrogacy, adoption, etc. If grandchildren
come to you through a gay marriage in your family, cherish those kids as
much (if not more) than your other grandchildren. Make them feel
welcome and included at family gatherings. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14148">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14149">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Many
of these things are basic and common sense. But I hope it helps to
share my experience. It took me until I was 36 to decide that it would
be okay to date men. Why? Because of how I was raised. Now, that's not
to be disrespectful to my mother. Anyone who knows her agrees that she's
one of the most remarkable women they know. She raised me in the church
and I clutched on to what I was taught and what I believed so much for
all of my 20's and most of my 30's. My mom never forced it though. I
developed my own testimony. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14149">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14149">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Now, I'm 39 and have never been in a serious
relationship. It was really out of fear of punishment that I wouldn't
consider dating sooner. It was also fear of losing the love and support of family
and friends. Think about that. Do you want your son to live a lonely life and wait until he's 36 to pursue his own happiness? Take it from me, it messes with you to deny yourself of that level of interaction and experience with other people for that long of a period. I will always mourn the time I lost in my 20's and 30's
where I could've been living more happily. I'll never get it back.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14248">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14249">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">The
good news is that my mom also taught me how to be compassionate and
show love to others. She doesn't agree with everything I believe, but I
don't question her love for me. She won't mind me saying that I wish we
could come to an agreement on a few things. We've had countless
conversations where we've examined where I'm at with the church vs. my
desire to find companionship and embrace my sexuality. In response, we
examine where she's at with the church and how she feels about my
choices. On some things, we just lovingly have to agree to disagree.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14388">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14396">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">I
was 18 when I first told my mom I was gay. I think about how
differently my 20's and 30's would've been had she responded and said,
"Nathan, you are not broken. Love who you want to love and I will
support it." She's worthy of the "Mother of the Year" award for at least
10 years in a row, but as a gay man growing up in the church, I wish I
didn't feel so much pressure to please family and friends by putting
aside my own happiness for theirs. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_14506">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15231">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">I
believe that true faith in God is shown when you just do the best you
can to love your kid, no matter what, and then leave the rest to Him. I
don't believe in forced obedience. I don't believe in following a path
simply because parents require that of their children. <span style="color: purple;">With all my heart, I
believe that any child can make choices that will please his parents
when parents fully embrace who their child is and helps that child
embrace himself in the process.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15325">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15326">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">I'm
not saying it's wrong for LDS parents to raise their children with LDS
teachings. I'm grateful to have been taught many things from an LDS
upbringing. However, I am pleading with parents of gay children: <span style="color: purple;">Meet
your child with who THEY are and where THEY are at instead of who YOU
are and where YOU are at. Create a safe space for them to fully realize
their potential without feeling like they're broken or need fixing. </span>God
created them and we get to trust Him and His creations to make the best
choices they know how to make.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15665">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15664">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Other
gay members or former members of the church may advise strongly NOT
to raise your gay son or daughter in the LDS church because of the
hostility that is shown. I totally get it because of my own experiences.
But I also have sympathy for parents who believe what they believe so
strongly that they can't fathom raising their children in any other way.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15663">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15662">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"><b><span style="color: purple;">Believe
what you believe. Teach your children what you want to teach them. But
if your child disagrees, take the time to love them and understand them.
What works for you may cause your child intense pain. You may think
forcing your child to follow your path will ultimately ensure their
eternal happiness. I don't believe in that kind of God. I believe in a
Father in Heaven who let's His children be who they are to accomplish
His purposes. </span></b></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15661">
<br /><span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_15660">
<span id="yiv0428210237yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465289755562_12357">Last
thought: His purpose is to bring immortality and eternal life of man.
As a gay man who is not currently active in church but who loves the
Lord, I believe I have a role to play in that grand purpose. My mama
taught me that.</span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-86486802496861373582016-03-20T19:45:00.000-06:002016-03-21T13:33:19.133-06:00My Testimony: Take It or Leave It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnjoRdFGPztCVIa4ht3RSkAuAKYjRT3fNjOuaICmqqov4jWeOjyRdP-parFMbCv3_Qoq0PQgWESVjgLQwD5KgE-snbwxXORV-eV3GnudmdStPzY8d02I6puLsOcbdLfHmhGOTH11ds7A/s1600/fence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnjoRdFGPztCVIa4ht3RSkAuAKYjRT3fNjOuaICmqqov4jWeOjyRdP-parFMbCv3_Qoq0PQgWESVjgLQwD5KgE-snbwxXORV-eV3GnudmdStPzY8d02I6puLsOcbdLfHmhGOTH11ds7A/s320/fence.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Since my last post, I’ve been able to connect with each
member of my “Top 10 Support Corp”. This group consists of my 7 closest friends
and 3 family members who would do just about anything for me (and I for them).
I rely on each member of this decuplet in different ways. Some of them are
active in the LDS church while others are ex-Mormons or nonmembers. Some are
straight and some are gay. I talk to some of them about relationships and
dating while I talk to others about the church and my faith.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As blessed as I am to have the support of this posse,
I’ve realized in some of my recent conversations with them that some don’t
understand or agree with the way I’m living my life. It made me cast a wider
net and consider how I’m being perceived by others in my life. I’m not heavily
controlled by how I’m perceived like I used to be. But it’s been a fun exercise
in self-reflection. I’d break my circle
of influence down to the following 4 groups:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Active LDS who want me to go back to church and
marry a woman or agree to celibacy and loneliness. After all, they know that I can have the
same blessings that they have and be just as happy as they are by choosing the
same things they’ve chosen.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Active LDS who believe in marriage equality and
want me to find a great guy and find happiness by building a life with him.
They get that I’m a good person who means no harm to the church but still wants
connection with the church. They also get that I’m finally ready to pursue a
relationship with another man after years of isolation and suppression.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Ex-Mormons/Nonmembers who understand my faith
transition quite well and think I’m approaching things in a healthy way and that
I’m progressing at a good pace. Some even understand the balance and complexity
of exploring one’s sexuality while going through a faith transition.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Ex-Mormons/Nonmembers who understand part of
what I’m going through but don’t see how I could still want anything to do with
the church. You’re in or you’re out, it’s black and white. Crap or get off the
pot. Choose a side!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I should quickly point out that I love my Support Corp dearly
and I benefit greatly through my association with each of them. They each
challenge me to be a better version of myself, even if some of the advice and
counsel varies quite a bit from person to person. I welcome it all and truly
consider what each of them has to say. There’s a reason I’ve selected them as
my nearest and dearest. But it does make me think “wow, perhaps the people who
I’m meant to be the closest to in my life don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fully</i> get me”. I guess that’s something we all experience. We can
all feel that way, I’m sure.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
A couple of days ago, I had lunch with a good friend who
is a bit of a mentor to me in a professional capacity. She gave me some
feedback that was eye-opening. I’ll paraphrase what she said: </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Nate, the subtext
of what I often hear you say is how your support system is this or that. What
if you just did what your heart wants to do, whether you have a support system
or not? I know there are things that you want to accomplish, things you are
longing to achieve, but you make it conditional on whether you have the support
system in place or not. Just do you regardless.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
With that setup, I’d like to step out on my own and open
up without considering what anyone else has to say or think. I’d like to share
my testimony, topic by topic. I’d like to bear it and “bare” it, nothing to
hide. I share my testimony for the following reasons:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I’d like my LDS friends and family to see that
we still have many beliefs in common. I’d rather focus on where we agree than
on where we disagree. I’d rather have them feel happiness about the beliefs we
share instead of sadness and fear because they believe that I’m doomed or that
I’ve lost my way. Maybe this will help them, maybe it won’t.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I’d like for the gay community who follows my
blog to try to understand <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why</i> I still
want something to do with the LDS church. I respect and totally understand the
decision of many LGBT friends, acquaintances and allies to fully leave the
church and never look back. My continued desire to be somewhat connected to the
LDS church is complicated and in no way is it meant to hurt or offend anyone.
I’m fully aware of the pain you feel and I have shared many of those same
experiences. I also understand that sometimes, it’s just general disinterest or
disagreement that leads people away from the church. But please try and
understand that my journey looks different. We’re gay and we are/were members
of the LDS church. Past that, we’re probably very different from each other.
Can we see the beauty of that?</span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I’d like for my Ex-Mormon and nonmember friends
to try and understand why I embrace the grey and why I can’t live my life in
black and white. I respect and even admire the ways in which many of you have
led your lives since leaving the church, but I can’t make the same type of
separation and feel the same level of peace and happiness you’ve experienced. I
get that some of you may feel frustration toward me for the way I express
myself or the balancing act I’m maintaining. I can only say I’m doing the best
I can, for me.</span></div>
<span style="color: #38761d;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Most importantly, I’d like for other LGBT
members of the LDS church to feel comforted and see that there are many options
under the gay-Mormon umbrella.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Now then…my testimony. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
MY testimony. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Mine. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Shared willingly.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Subject to criticism and disapproval from either side. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can’t make everyone happy by what I share.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But it’s mine and I cherish it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It matters to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I hope that many of you draw strength and understanding from it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Heavenly Father</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’ve always believed in God. I can’t imagine living my
life without that belief. I believe we are created in His image. I believe He
loves us more than we understand. I believe that we knew Him before we came to
earth. I believe that we can return to Him through Jesus Christ. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I don’t attend church very often (for reasons I’ve
previously shared on this blog), but I feel God’s love all of the time. I feel
reassurance and peace. I believe in a loving and merciful God. I believe He has
a plan and knows what He’s doing. I believe He loves ALL of His children and
has all of them in mind.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
That said, I have had some incredibly interesting
conversations with agnostic or atheist friends. I think that some people who
believe in God can get scared of or turn their noses up at atheists. Maybe they
fear they’ll lose their faith if they associate with nonbelievers. The atheists
I associate with are harmless, intelligent, interesting and open to many
possibilities. I understand them in some ways. After all, in this mortal
experience, I’ve never seen or talked with God. I simply <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">believe</i> in Him. But my belief is strong and I feel peace having
that belief. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I just hope we don’t needlessly condemn atheists and
nonbelievers. They’re capable of doing great things and having hearts of gold.
Just because they can’t testify that they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">know</i>
there is a God does not make them bad people. I believe that God Himself would
like His children to believe in Him, but I don’t think that He’s such a
narcissist that He can’t deal with millions of nonbelievers. I think He is
patient and kind and that He can totally understand why many don’t believe in
Him. I think He has some tricks up His sleeve to see to their salvation and their
fuller understanding according to His timetable and will.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jesus Christ</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe Him to be the
Redeemer of the world. I have studied His life and believe Him to be more than
just a prophet or historical figure. I believe that through His death and
resurrection, I can overcome death. I believe that through His atonement, I can
be forgiven of my sins. I believe in His teachings to love each other. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have come to love Him without ever having met Him or
talked to Him, at least, not here on earth. Some would dismiss this as a “Santa
Claus” kind of love or hope, but I have felt peace too many times in my life to
doubt. I want to be like Him and treat other people as He would. I hope that even
this blog is accomplishing that desire in small and simple ways.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I believe that whether we are active in the LDS church or
not, we are all hopeless without a Savior. Let’s say the cost of getting into
“heaven” and returning to God’s presence is $100. Some of us may be able to pay
$30. Others of us may only be able to pay 30 cents. Either way, we need Jesus
Christ to pay the difference. I don’t think He cares whether that difference is
$70 or $99.70. We just need to accept Him and allow Him to pay the difference. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How</i> we accept Him is a little more
involved and I won’t get into it here. But I believe with all of my heart that
I can return to Heavenly Father because of Jesus Christ. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My own faith and my own works put me in a place where I
can lay claim to what He offers, but ultimately, my own righteousness does not
save me. It is the grace and works of a willing Savior that will permit me to
return to a loving Heavenly Father. We could get into justification and
sanctification and all that, but suffice it to say that this is one area I feel
passionate about. Because of Jesus Christ, I can return to Heavenly Father.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Plan of
Salvation</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As a missionary, I taught this plan in many homes across
England and Wales. However, I always felt a sense of sadness when I taught it.
After all, I knew I was gay and I would often think “sounds like a great plan,
I just wish it included me.” Can you imagine teaching discussion after
discussion and feeling that way?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My personal understanding of the Plan of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Happiness</i> (as it seems to be referred to
these days) has changed since then. I think God has thought of EVERYTHING. I
don’t think the overall plan is just a cute little diagram that we draw on a chalkboard or put
together with laminated pictures. I believe that it’s MUCH more involved than
that. I believe a loving Heavenly Father has pulled out ALL of the stops and
thought of everyone. Why would He send His children away and only have the
faithful LDS return to Him?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As His son, I believe that He knows me very well and that He
accepts that I’m gay. After all, I received a blessing from a bishop that told
me in no uncertain terms that I agreed to it before I came to earth. It was one
of the most meaningful experiences of my life. I don’t think my purpose here on
earth is to overcome or cure my “gayness”. I believe my purpose is to remind
people that He is in charge and that He has provided us the ultimate gift: a
willing, able Savior who makes it possible for ALL of God’s children to return
to Him.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Book of Mormon</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Is it a bunch of bullcrap or is it a sacred record? Does
science and archaeology prove or disprove the actuality of these events
happening? My response will be unacceptable to some. Honestly, I go by how I
feel when I read it. Sure, I don’t get why Nephi had to kill Laban when murder
is a bad thing. I’m very confused by the actual translation process Joseph
Smith employed versus the depiction I was taught growing up in the church. I
struggle with timelines and locations and other descriptions that have made me skeptical at times.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
At the end of the day, I’ve read it many times and I feel
closer to God by having done so. I have developed a stronger love of Jesus
Christ by studying and teaching from the Book of Mormon. The account of His
visit to ancient America is incredibly moving to me. I’ve imagined being there many
times, feeling what those people felt when they pleaded with Him not to leave.
I don’t know for a fact that the Book of Mormon is true, but I hope that it is.
Through my own experiences and my own study, I believe that the Book of Mormon
can bring people closer to Jesus Christ. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Admittedly, I haven’t read it for a few years. I’m open
to reading it again. While I don’t think it’s going to cure me of my sexuality
or change my desire to build a life with a sweet man, I DO think I can continue
to learn about and feel increased love towards Jesus Christ. Because of that, I
refuse to dismiss it as bull. I understand why others do, but I’m not willing
to do that.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Joseph Smith</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This one is really tough. There are so many different
opinions, accounts and records and troubling realizations as to who he was. I grew up
having a deep love for him. I felt such peace and strong conviction when I’d
sing “Praise to the Man” growing up. I can understand (through my own study) how
an apostasy occurred and how a restoration was necessary. I believe in the idea
of a restored church and modern-day revelation.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have cherished memories of visiting the upstairs room
in the Smith log house and the kitchen in the Smith frame house. I’ve been to
the Sacred Grove more than once. I was fascinated by stories I heard at the
Grandin building where the Book of Mormon was first printed. Some of the most
meaningful, spiritual experiences I’ve had in my life were in notable places
from Joseph’s life: Carthage, Liberty Jail, doing a session at the Nauvoo
temple, visiting the Kirtland temple, Whitney Store and School of Prophets
where many revelations in the Doctrine & Covenants were received.
Adam-ondi-Ahman, Far West, Jackson County, I’ve done it all. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Here is the reason I can’t let go of my hope in Joseph
Smith: In almost every single one of those locations, I felt something powerful
and intense. Something I don't usually feel and something that was more than just a biological reaction. Because of these feelings, I am strongly convinced and hope with
all of my heart that Joseph Smith was a man of God. I believe that he was
foreordained and that he will play a prominent role hereafter in representing
our dispensation.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Some of you will just cringe or become angry by this
declaration. I can’t say that I know without a doubt that he was a prophet of
God. But I will stand by the experiences I’ve had as a student of his life and
say, without apology, that I find him to be fascinating, flawed, and faithful.
I’m aware of his many wives, some of them teenagers. One only needs to truly dig into church history to
become confused and frustrated by things that have come up about him. Many will
dismiss Joseph Smith as a fraud, and I get why. But I can’t do that. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Temples and
Garments</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Receiving my endowment from the temple was a step to
getting my mission call. I have great memories of the first few times I went to
the temple. My late father was somewhat estranged to me growing up. We became
quite close around the time I left for my mission. He was my temple escort and
I have warm memories of sitting by him and sharing that experience with him.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Without going into a lot of detail, I will also say that
seeing my mom and dad get re-sealed was one of the most incredible experiences
of my life. I felt something that I don’t usually feel. I could’ve sworn the
ceiling was going to open up and angels were going to appear. Don’t roll your
eyes, cynics. It really was an amazing experience for me and for my family.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
These days, I feel some sadness when it comes to the
temple. I’m open to the idea of temple work. I’m open to the idea that there
are steps God’s children need to take before returning to His presence. That
idea is not ridiculous to me. I find some of the symbolism and ordinances to be
quite beautiful. But I also feel that I made covenants in the temple when I was
trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I was young and my heart wanted
so badly to get out on my mission. I would deal with the gay thing later and
hope that it just went away through faithful service.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I don’t wear garments anymore. I’ve had people in my life
become upset and express their judgment or major concern as they’ve noticed
this change. I even wore Hanes white t-shirts for a while under my clothes so
that I wouldn’t upset anyone. It was a very painful decision that I made over a
period of time. I just felt extreme sadness when I’d wear them. So I stopped. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Some will find fault with that decision. Others will
understand. I guess I should just share that I would never disrespect what goes
on in temples. I’m not sure I agree with all of it, but in theory, I think much
of it is beautiful. I’m just not sure it includes me since I’m a gay man who
has every intention of finding love and building a life with another man. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I feel like the temple is like a Disneyland fairytale to
most members of the church. Now let me explain before you get upset. My
straight friends in the church get to date whomever they want and they get to
be sealed with a promise that their union will last forever. Not only that, but
children who come from that union will always belong to an eternal family unit.
How beautiful is that? I want that! What an incentive to participate and do the
things that are necessary to ensure that those promised blessing are realized.
Sign me up! I’d get all of my home teaching done. I’d hold 3 callings. I’d
faithfully attend church and attend the temple at least twice a month. Oh wait,
I’m gay. I don’t get that same privilege. Well, unless I settle for a quality
of life that is nowhere near what others are experiencing.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I find that most of the people in my life who expect me
to marry a woman or to remain alone wouldn’t be willing to consider that same
sentence or existence in their own lives. Or, if they would, could they have lasted as long
as I have? Some could last longer and be stronger and prove more faithful,
perhaps. But I will always take comfort in the uniqueness of my background, my
upbringing, and my strengths and my weaknesses. What someone else does with a
similar set of challenges is none of my business because the details are
different, and therefore, the expectation differs as well. I’m done comparing
myself to other people in this harmful way.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I guess that sums up my feelings about temples. I’ll just
add that one of my favorite Primary songs growing up was “I Love to See the
Temple”. I was one of the most enthusiastic youths ever to go and perform baptisms
for the dead. I spent a portion of my life visiting as many temples in the U.S.
as I could. Now, I just feel a lot of sadness and I can feel like the temple
experience isn’t one that’s offered to me. All because I’m gay and won’t agree
to a life of loneliness anymore.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I miss attending the temple. I feel intense sorrow for
not being able to keep some of the covenants I made when I was younger. We’ll
see what happens in the next 20-30 years. Until then, I’ll admire the temples
from outside of their walls and remember the good experiences I had when I was
worthy.<br />
<br />
Worthiness is a whole other topic. For now, I'll just say that I try to live a life that is positive and about doing good. I can't think of anything that I do that is so grievous or that causes others harm other than being gay and finally being open to date men (in my late 30's). </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Missionary Work</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I always wanted to go on a mission. Yes, I may have felt
some pressure to go. Not necessarily by my family or parents. Some of us served
missions, some of us didn’t. I felt pressure by the LDS community as a whole to
go. Luckily, it was an experience I always wanted to have.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Because I kissed a boy when I was 18, I ended up having
to wait until I was 21 to turn in my mission papers (it was the 90’s). I was 22
when I finally started my mission. That period of my life was extremely
difficult. I faced ridiculous amounts of questions, judgment and speculation as
to why I wasn’t on a mission yet. It was the second-most painful period of my
life.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Eventually, I got to go and totally enjoyed the
experience. I’m still in touch with several friends from England and Wales and
well as a number of mission companions and cohorts I served with. I had many
great experiences and will always look back on my mission with gratitude.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
However, I’ll admit that I don’t understand how or why
young men and women are prepared or qualified to tell people to live their
lives differently. I get that Jesus Himself commanded His disciples to go out
into the world and teach all nations. I’m all for any efforts to bring people
to a knowledge of a Savior and some of the other great things I taught as a missionary. I just feel
bad about some of the judgments and direction I gave to people when I had no life experience of my own to do so.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’ll admit that this is one of those areas where I don’t
understand God’s ways. If missionary work truly comes from Him, then there must
be a reason He has young people serve in this capacity. Sure, I have theories
and ideas as to why. I think that serving a mission can set up a young man or
woman to be productive and effective in a number of ways that will benefit them
for the rest of their lives. I just remember telling gay people they couldn’t
be gay or telling baptized people that their baptisms didn’t count because it
wasn’t in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i> church. I see now how
that must’ve felt to them at the time. Also, there are questions that truly
deserve to be answered with something more than “I know it’s true, just pray
about it.” I know the idea is that the Spirit does the teaching and touching of
hearts while the missionary is just an instrument. Even so, I have mixed
feelings about some of the things I taught back then.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Patriarchal
Blessings</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is another painful area for me. On one hand, my
blessing says that I knew the Lord well before I came to earth. To me, that
means that I walked and talked with Him. Wow! Can you imagine? I’m sure if I
knew Him well, then many of us knew Him well. I’m not that special. But still,
that always felt so good to think that little ole Nate was a contemporary of
Jesus. I won’t share more than that on the plus side except to say that some of
my blessing brings me great comfort because of what is promised.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But then there’s the promise that I’ll meet a young lady
and be sealed and we’ll have kids. I have struggled with this portion of my
blessing ever since I first received it as a 17 year old. You’ll just have to
trust me that I’ve tried and tried to make it happen. After all, patriarchal
blessings are not guarantees of what will happen. They’re conditioned upon our
faithfulness. I just don’t see how this particular promise could ever be
fulfilled despite being devoted and faithful for so long. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Well Nate, maybe it’s not meant for this lifetime.” But,
aren’t these kinds of blessings given as a guide for this mortal experience? And
why does everyone else get what was promised to them? Other people actually
WANT what was promised to them. I’ve prayed and prayed to WANT marriage with a
woman. I’ve taken a variety of actions to make this happen. In the end, I have
doubts about my patriarchal blessing. I have questioned its validity at times. But I
have also felt tremendous peace as I’ve reviewed other parts of it throughout
my adult life.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In the end, I just keep the parts of my blessing that
bring me comfort in my heart. The painful parts of it feel like a tease or a
cruel joke at times. But I don’t totally discount the blessing altogether.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Recent Church Policy
Changes</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Nothing has hurt me more as a gay member of the church
than being labeled in the official church handbook as an “Apostate” and then having
apostles state that we don’t believe in labels and that “we are not defined by
sexual behavior”. Then why dismiss me so coldly as an apostate when I’ve spent
my life trying to serve and be like Jesus? Why prevent my someday kids from
being baptized when I have a goal of raising them with a love of Jesus? </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I could on and on here. Suffice it to say that I do
everything I can to give the Brethren the benefit of the doubt. I try to
consider what they were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">trying</i> to say
instead of what was actually said that was offensive. I try to recognize these
men as “special witnesses of Christ” and hold their callings with respect and
admiration. I try to separate what is actual revelation from what is personal
opinion or bias. But one by one, I hear some of them say certain things that are
becoming increasingly heart breaking. I can’t say that I would hear Jesus
Himself say some of the same things.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
General Conference is approaching. I remember a time when
I’d look forward to it and watch every session eagerly. I still try to watch,
but while some of you can’t wait to be nourished by the good word of God, I’ve
come to dread it in some ways. Not all of it. I’m capable of feeling the spirit
through the music and many of the messages that are given. I like ideas on how
to improve and be a better person. But then it happens every single time:
Something is said that crushes my spirit for the next few weeks or months and I
wonder why I keep setting myself up to be hurt again.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Summary</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can’t make everyone happy. I’m going to focus less on
that impossible, unattainable notion. I’m going to make myself happy and, at
the same time, do it in a way that pleases God. I will fall short on both
counts at times, but that makes me no different than any of you.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I wouldn’t be happy leaving the church completely. I
wouldn’t be happy agreeing to a life of total loneliness or marriage with a
woman. I have a different hand of cards and I’m playing them in the best way I
can. I get frustrated when others try to play my hand for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have a clear conscience before the Lord and I feel like
I’m in good standing with the way I live my life. I may have friends and family
members that either don’t approve or fully agree with the way I’m approaching things.
But I hope that sharing what I’ve presented helps. If it doesn’t, the problem
lies with them, not with me. It took me years to realize that.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My testimony counts. It matters. I may not be able or
willing to proclaim “I know!” What I’ve shared wasn’t spoken from a pulpit in a
church meeting. I may be struggling in some ways and be mighty in other ways.
All things considered, I’m still willing to share it. I can still give an
earnest “I hope” and “I believe” on many things. By the way, each and every one
of the church’s Articles of Faith begins with “We <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">believe</i>”. I think Heavenly Father accepts that. I know I finally
do. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I could spend time approving or disapproving of how various people in my life are living their lives. There are members of the church who
attend every week who I observe as some of the saddest or most depressed people
I know. There are other members of the church who attend faithfully and seem to
get it. They have joy and a light about them and they are able to maintain a really healthy balance.
There are gay guys I’ve met who seem extremely happy without any kind of
affiliation with the church. I didn’t think that level of happiness was
possible outside of the church, but they’ve shown me otherwise. There are
other gay guys who place importance on ridiculous things and whom I would never
want to emulate. There are ex-Mo’s who have found a way to feel peace with the
church being nothing but a distant memory. There are other ex-Mo’s who seem to
be more conflicted than I’ve ever been.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Through it all, I want to receive all of them willingly
and readily. I hope they can do the same for me. But even if they can’t, I will
move forward. That’s something I’d like all of my readers to consider. If your
support system shows up for you, how will that help you achieve your personal
goals? When your support system doesn’t show up for you in the ways you’d like, or they don't agree with
you on every point, how will you keep your head held high and focus on personal
progress?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m blessed to have the support of many in my life. I try
to give a lot of love and I am lucky to receive a lot of love. But as much as
that love is appreciated and even needed at times, I’m more and more prepared
to rely less on that support and rely more on myself and on a God who loves me
dearly.</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-82644296472646664932016-02-17T23:24:00.000-07:002016-02-18T06:31:27.362-07:00Happy to Say: "I'm okay"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0eVo_CQDyE7V8wzyiXvWzbxjT4oXgDKBSyB18k32WSowMfkF4T9LP_6Zsi7uVKSOEPDVgxKEllPeEdEP-4L6RpKpCBqZvNTS12RRrSIxfCMbPxTGywsSu2v4tiE519SMvA84hXaA1QQ/s1600/nate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0eVo_CQDyE7V8wzyiXvWzbxjT4oXgDKBSyB18k32WSowMfkF4T9LP_6Zsi7uVKSOEPDVgxKEllPeEdEP-4L6RpKpCBqZvNTS12RRrSIxfCMbPxTGywsSu2v4tiE519SMvA84hXaA1QQ/s320/nate.jpg" width="309" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So, this is my first post of 2016. There’s been a lot I’ve
wanted to say, about a lot of different topics, but I haven’t been sure how to
word it in a way that’s useful to anyone. However, the past month has given me
some added perspective and I’m ready to share again. I hope this is helpful to some
of my readers.<br />
<br />
Over the past few months, the following events have occurred
in my life:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One family member called me to repentance since
my last post. He/She stated that I was slipping away and leading many others in the
wrong direction. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Another family member asked me why the gays don’t
just build their own church.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Another family member refused to give me his/her
blessing to find happiness in my own way (finding a great guy to build a life with). When I asked this family member if
they still thought I could be happy marrying a woman or by being lonely and celibate,
they responded affirmatively (despite seeing me miserable for years as I’ve
tried to consider both of those options).</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I was laid off from my job.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>For the past 13 days, I’ve been unable to walk. Standing
on my feet currently causes me intense pain. I have a separate foot condition (gout) and my meds regulate that. Incidentally, I have three other family members who also have gout. But
this latest issue is something new and different. My Cobra insurance hasn’t kicked in yet, so I
haven’t seen my doctor about it. But I’ve endured a lot of physical pain while
being confined to my bed or my couch.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Now, this isn’t a sob story. I’m not asking for pity at
all. Nor am I putting my family on blast. At the end of the day, I have a
family who loves me and wants the best for me. We just can’t see eye to eye on
the gay thing. I share these events to give some context into the rest of this
entry.<br />
<br />
The easiest way to catch you up without having a clear
message this time around is to categorize. Here’s how I’m doing physically,
mentally, emotionally, socially, romantically and spiritually. I hope that this
update is encouraging to many of you. The whole point is that if you can say "I'm okay" during the hard times, that's a triumph.<span style="color: blue;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Physically</b></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue;">Since the lay-off, I decided to make fitness a bigger
priority. In fact, I’m in a contest with a few friends to lose weight. It was
all going pretty well until about 2 weeks ago when I couldn’t step on my right
foot. I started using crutches and primarily used my left foot to get around. But then,
applying any pressure on my left foot was intensely painful as well.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">My brother Neil has been an amazing nurse during this
time of incapacitation. He’s been my on-call gopher and has infused this trying
time with humor and the patience of angels. Heck, I’ve had to pee into bottles
and he’s emptied them over and over again. Just keeping it real, guys and gals.
He sat with me during a panic attack and was totally present during my general sense of apathy and
restlessness that comes from being immobile and in a great deal of pain.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">During this fortnight from hell, I’ve had time to reflect
and was reminded of a few things. Physical health is a privilege. If you are in
good health, whether through good habits, good genetics or good luck, please
get on your knees and thank our Heavenly Father for that blessing. I’m grateful
for the body I’ve been given. A recent physical has me in great health
otherwise, but man, these 2 weeks have been among the most trying I’ve
experienced in recent years.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Another thing I realized is that I have a unique relationship with my brother Neil. I may not have romantic love in my life at this time, but I've been reminded that having a triplet brother who would drop everything to be by your side when in need is something that I get to experience in a way that is especially deep and special. Having a triplet brother and a triplet sister is like having a built-in, automatic best guy friend and best girl friend. I should thank my mom for that. She raised us to appreciate that connection and to love each other. Throughout the years, the three of us have shown up for each other in ways that I feel are extraordinary. I needed a reminder of how special my bond with Neil is and how lucky I am to have been born with two wombmates. The past 2 weeks have certainly done that. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">As a quick update, I’m feeling the pain go away. I plan
to see my doctor about it and get an official diagnosis once my Cobra is
active. I’m guessing that it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">plantar
fasciitis</i>, but my symptoms don’t match that description perfectly (stay away from
WebMD, it’s scary!). I will get right back on track with my fitness contest,
even if these 2 weeks have put me behind the competition. I’ll just have to
approach it carefully and put more emphasis on the nutrition part of my regimen. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I've been mindful of some of my friends who don't have full use of their bodies. It was humbling to think that they've moved on, found effective ways to deal with the hand they were dealt, and they do so ably and beautifully, so what am I complaining about? It reminded me that I can handle my lot in life with more grace and acceptance. </span><span style="color: #38761d;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mentally</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #38761d;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: #38761d;">I suppose things are good here. Don’t see any major
issues. That said, I’ve come to realize that denying yourself of dating and
romantic relationships for 35 years does some things to you mentally. It has stunted my development in a variety of ways. I’ll be
dealing with that for the rest of my life. In addition, when you’re very clear
that a number of your family members disapprove of choices you’re making, it
can mess with you, especially when you’re already at such odds with who you are
versus who you’re supposed to be. But I’m working on making it work – for me.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Emotionally</b></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue;">This is the most challenging area of 2016 so far, even
more so than the physical setbacks of the past 2 weeks. I’m still so upset about the
church policy changes, the number of gay suicides within the church, the church’s
response, the statements made by church officials, and the insensitive or
uninformed comments I continue to see on this whole topic from those who seem to have never met a gay person in their lives. I haven’t blogged
about my feelings on these changes for a while because it’s a very emotional
thing and I haven’t been able to find the right way to articulate my thoughts.
But I stand with the LGBT youth of the church. I know how they feel. I know how
dark it can get. I know that they don’t have many options in their circumstances when the very people who should love them the most turn them away.
To these individuals: I love you and I'll continue to walk with you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">These policy changes were quietly tucked into the latest
version of the church handbook and it came to light somewhat unintentionally, as I understand it. Some argue about the way
these changes came to be known (Reddit, John Dehlin, etc), but that’s irrelevant.
A couple of days later, a video with Elder Christofferson is released from the
church about why the policy is a positive thing but offers no comfort or
clarification, at least, not to me. A week passes by and the policy is revised to allow
already-baptized children within same-sex parent households to maintain their
membership. We don’t hear much else about it until two months later when Elder
Nelson announced that what started as quiet little policy change was actual
direct revelation from God. In the same address, Elder Nelson’s wife challenged
the gays to just pray the gay away, as if we’d never thought of that. A month
later, Elder Oaks is asked how he feels about the gay suicide crisis that’s occurring
among LDS youth. His response was that he will be accountable to a higher
authority for what he’s taught on the topic and adds that “Nobody is sadder
about a case like that than I am.” I appreciate the sentiment, but I can think
of several people who are sadder by this suicide epidemic happening than he is.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I’m not here to trash-talk the Apostles of the LDS
church. Even now, I tune into conference to listen to what they say and I try
my best to apply it where I can. I hold great reverence for their calling.
However, I’m okay stating publically that I simply cannot agree with these
policies and the intense pain they’ve caused me and many others I know and
love. It doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t understand all of God’s ways, none
of us do. But this direct revelation from Him just doesn’t feel good to me. I can't accept that it comes from God. I
think it’s okay to question and to challenge things like this when they don’t
sit right in my heart. The Brethren have admitted to being wrong in the past
and President Uchtdorf has challenged us to understand and be forgiving when it
comes to these imperfections from men that many esteem as perfect or
near-perfect.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I think a member of the church can hold to their beliefs
and, at the same time, wish me happiness, even if it means finding a great guy
to spend my life with. I think they’re separate things. But I don’t get to
control how or if or at what level that support is offered by others. I just
struggle with the idea of refusing to wish someone happiness just because they
might approach obtaining it in a different way.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">As for being called to repentance, I was very upset upon
receiving the message. It made me wonder if this family member was just
skimming what I was writing on this blog or taking time to fully digest it and
understand me. This blog was meant to show my love and support of the church,
but also, to help other members of the church understand what a tricky thing it
is to love the church when the church increasingly doesn’t love me. Entry after
entry, I feel like I’ve taken great care to speak well of the church, even
while being honest about my experience as a gay member.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">In the end, I decided to put the rebuke aside for now
until we can chat about it in person. Since then, I can’t seem to shake my
sadness for being called out this way, especially when I’ve made it abundantly
clear time and time again that I still have a love of the church and that I’m
trying my best to remain a part of it, even if that’s becoming increasingly
difficult. I was told that even though I might think I was doing some good in the world, I was not. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I feel like I’m saving lives. Now that might sound like
I believe I’m a superhero. I’m not. But I have had numerous parents and members
of the LGBT community reach out to me with gratitude and heartfelt expressions.
They read my blog and feel hopeful that they can have a strong relationship
with God and be gay at the same time. THAT is the message I want to send and
will continue to send. "Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not, I have failed indeed." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">The message I received from this family member didn’t feel
very reassuring in that regard, all because I’m not making the exact same
choices he/she is making. This member of my family is truly one of my favorite people on earth, but he/she refuses to see that I'm having a completely different experience in the church than he/she is having. I’m clear that God loves me and has my salvation in
mind. But my family member doesn’t seem to think I stand a chance of being with
God again unless I agree to loneliness and celibacy or marrying a woman.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Elsewhere in this area, the lay-off knocked me down a peg
or two, but I can’t take it personally. I worked for a start-up company and it
was run by 2 families. I enjoyed the job and the people I worked with, but ultimately,
when cuts needed to be made, it made sense that I was on the chopping block.
After all, I wasn’t family. Still, getting laid-off never feels good. You
always question yourself: “Maybe if I’d been more exceptional, more dedicated,
more talented, I wouldn’t have been laid off.” I’ve reached a level of
acceptance and can now look back and just be grateful for the experience. They
were good to me, I was good to them, and I learned a lot during my time working for them. That’s a
good thing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: blue;">Recent exchanges with some family members has
filled the bulk of my emotional plate. Put simply, we love each other very
much. We just disagree on the way I should find happiness. When I assure some
of them that I simply can’t be happy marrying a woman or being single, celibate
and lonely for another 38 years, they think I CAN be happy with those two
options. Their beliefs and their faith tells them so. But my own experience, wisdom and first-hand accounts can't compete with that kind of faith. They KNOW better than I do what is best for me.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: blue;">As much as I wish they could look at it from my point of view, I’ve
got to be willing to look at it from theirs. I’ll never have a wedding with the
full support and acceptance that my siblings all seemed to enjoy, and I’ve just
got to accept that. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me, it just means that they
need to love me in the way they know how to, in a way they feel comfortable
with. At the end of the day, I’m lucky to have love and support from my family,
even if it’s not in the exact way I’d like it. Not everyone can say that.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Socially</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #38761d;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #38761d;">I’ve been a recluse for the past month. I’m generally not
anti-social. I just think the combination of losing my job and then the health
issue with my feet has kept me away. Most of closest friends have seen me
recently, but I’ll admit, I’ve flaked out and cancelled plans on a few people.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I’ll repair whatever damages I’ve caused with friends and
family. Nothing major to fix, thank goodness. I’ve just realized that
sometimes, you’ve got to just check out and be unavailable. By doing that from
time to time, it makes you MORE available in the end.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: #38761d;">To anyone in my life who has noticed I haven’t been as
available in the past month, I apologize. I just needed some time to process
things. I didn't have the energy to fake it. I’ll be a better friend, brother, son, uncle, etc by doing so. I don’t
intend to go back to Hermitville. Just needed some time</span>.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Romantically</b></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue;">There’s nothing too exciting to report here, especially
with some recent setbacks. But I’m excited to get back to the dating game as I
feel better. I’ve come to the realization that I end up in the friend zone a
lot. There were 2 different guys that I was chatting with. We’d check in with each other
often and seemingly, I thought that things might lead to something more. The
next thing I know, they’re both in relationships with other guys. I guess I’m
really great to chat with, I’m just not graduating to the “date me, kiss me”
level.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: blue;">I wonder if I just make myself too available as a nice,
supportive guy and I get thrown into the friend zone from the beginning. While
I’ll take some time to consider my approach and my overall “game”, I don’t plan
on changing much. I’m just going to be me, the best version of me, and trust
that doing so will lead me to a great guy. Still, I’d love to be the guy that’s
flirted with and who is found desirable and dateable. I seem to just be the guy
who’s good for a witty or supportive chat. Not too worried, I’m just aware that
I’m giving off something that makes guys read: “friend”.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Spiritually</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #38761d;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #38761d;">I’ll admit, through the sheer hell and pain of the past 2
weeks, I’ve turned to prayer more than I usually do. Typical, isn’t it? When
things go well, we forget to pray and say thanks. But when something goes
wrong, we look upward and ask “Why me?!”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Through the most stressful, scary or hopeless moments of
the past 2 weeks, I’ve wondered where God is and if He’s listening to me. If
so, why is he allowing me to feel so much pain for so long? I know, sounds
dramatic. But yeah, I began to doubt. Anyway, I have felt peace and comfort. I
have felt his loving influence for me personally, even if this physical condition
wasn’t taken away immediately.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Some people have misconceptions about gay guys in the
church. I still have faith, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that through
Him, I can be forgiven and return to God. I check in with Heavenly Father and
constantly have Him and what He wants for me on my mind. Constantly. No really, guys. CONSTANTLY. I feel
peace. I think that some of my family and friends would like me to report that
I feel major discord in my relationship with God as I set about dating men. But
I don’t. If anything, I feel His love in greater abundance.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I constantly measure what I need versus what others need
from me when it comes to religion and God. For now, I don’t
feel a need to leave the LDS church. I don’t want to leave. At the same time, I
don’t participate as fully as I once did. I used to stress out about that and
think how disappointed God must be in me for not being more involved. But I’ve
calmed down and refuse to feel that much stress about it anymore. I’m just
doing the best I can and keeping an open mind and heart, and I think that’s
good enough for God, even if it’s not enough for others.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Summary</b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As full as my emotional plate has been in January and
February, I feel good. I feel a sense of peace and calm. My problems are mine,
and I own them. They’re not greater or lesser than yours, they’re just different.
I’m inclined to think that the rest of 2016 must be better than the start of
the year, but even if it isn’t, I’m prepared to face it head on.<br />
<br />
The job hunt will work out. Relationships with family
members will strengthen. My feet will heal. My weekends will be more exciting. I’ll
find someone who wants more than friendship. I’ll handle any challenge with God
on my side. I'm winning the war by winning one battle at a time. Maybe by my next post, I'll be back to saying "I'm great!" For now, I feel a tremendous sense of victory by being able to look back at the past 2 months and declare: "I’m okay."</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-61473103761998708422015-12-29T01:16:00.002-07:002015-12-29T10:34:39.345-07:00What I Want In a Partner<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFfwXQ_JduR0Yq0MHGJdg6Gwy5UpeXOb-iW8eC_1MwfVF1vsAFkeziSOXwplKti5dVO8g5yGxuBkvLZn2bh623F2ZvRKfMiQcmfCZ8kGVWdI_3PArMJ40SMK8bwM-AkDijUB-1Thvfgw/s1600/hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFfwXQ_JduR0Yq0MHGJdg6Gwy5UpeXOb-iW8eC_1MwfVF1vsAFkeziSOXwplKti5dVO8g5yGxuBkvLZn2bh623F2ZvRKfMiQcmfCZ8kGVWdI_3PArMJ40SMK8bwM-AkDijUB-1Thvfgw/s320/hands.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Opening
note: There are far more important topics for discussion than little ole me and
my love life (or lack thereof). But since you’re visiting my blog, and the
whole purpose of my blog is to explore my faith journey while navigating my
sexuality, please indulge me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
going to put church stuff aside this time and concentrate more on love and my
quest for a fulfilling relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
you may know, I maintained an anonymous blog 4 years ago. I’m much more open
and willing to share these days, name attached and all, not much to hide. But, in
September of 2011, I wrote a blog entry that was pretty challenging for me to
write at that time. It was entitled <i><span style="color: #2f5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;">“What I Really Want
In a Relationship With Another Man”</span></i>. Click <span style="color: #2f5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;"><a href="http://bennythefencesitter.blogspot.com/2011/09/what-i-really-want-in-relationship-with.html"><span style="color: #2f5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;">here</span></a></span>
to go back in time with me and see what I wrote.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
was difficult to give voice to what I actually wanted. After all, I’ve spent
most of my life putting aside what I really want and instead, settled for things
I was supposed to want or expected to want. I’ll readily admit that I put most
of that expectation on myself. But it was SO freeing to put my thoughts into
words and put it out there, even if it was under an anonymous blog. It felt
good to express it, even in a limited way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In
2011, I wasn’t exactly open to the idea of dating and actually going after
these things. I was “all talk” and not sure if I could actually pursue a
relationship or give myself to another man and feel like I was in good standing
with the Lord. While it was nice to voice my desires, I just didn’t see how I
could actually pursue them. My views have evolved quite a bit since then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This new entry is written with that old blog article in mind. But this time, I can share freely
without the need to hide my name. I want to share the things I’m searching for
in a relationship for a few reasons:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To
put it out there. You know…it’s the Secret! Put it out into the universe and it
will come back to you. Haha. Okay, not sure I believe that. But I DO believe in
voicing what you want and the power of positive thinking. Being willing to
share what you want with others makes it more likely that you’ll get it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To
give others hope. There are others who, like me, have said no to love or the
chance of a relationship because of their religious convictions. I can only
speak for me when I say that I feel peace in my relationship with God while
pursuing a relationship with a man even though the church I belong to regards such
relationships as sinful, perverted and counterfeit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">To
cut to the chase. I plan on sending all of my future first dates to this blog
entry. It’ll save so much time! I’m <i>totally
kidding</i> on this one. But I am interested to see what “2015 Nate” wants
compared to what “2020 Nate” will want in 5 years. It’ll be interesting to look
back and see how this account changes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
recently expressed to friends (in person and through Facebook) that I don’t
want to spend the holidays alone anymore. It has truly sucked all these years
to celebrate them without someone special in my life. While I wasn’t
necessarily looking for dating advice, some friends offered that all I needed
to find someone is the courage to say hello. As well-intentioned as comments
like that are, that’s not why I’m single. If I can so freely share some of my
innermost thoughts and feelings on this blog, I can certainly work up the nerve
to say hi to someone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
single because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve permitted myself to
even consider the idea of dating men. For a couple of those years, I was hung
up on a man I was in love with and I wasn’t really open to pursuing anyone
else. In addition to that, the ongoing wrestle that I was having with my
upbringing, my own beliefs and the expectations of others has simply been
crippling at times. To reduce my experience to a dating tip such as “you just
need to say hi to someone” isn’t helpful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;">This entry is to boldly
proclaim that I am ready to love. Ready to give it. Ready to receive it. Fully.
Deeply. Madly. Unconditionally. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
took some doing to get to this point. It doesn’t mean I’ve let go of all of my
previously held religious beliefs. But it does mean that I’ve finally found a
balance where I can love God and love another man and feel good about both
kinds of love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">With
this in mind, here is a quick list of things I’m looking for in a relationship:</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be loved.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be adored.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be desired.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to matter.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be someone’s top priority.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be considered.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be regarded.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be cherished.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be touched.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be kissed regularly.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be held.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be pleased.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be listened to.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be validated.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to be challenged.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want to cuddle and have interesting conversations.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want random funny or sexy texts just to check in, make me laugh or turn me on.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want gifts for birthdays and Christmas that are thoughtful or creative.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want full access to touch and be touched.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
want a man to appreciate where I’ve come from and where I’m going.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">There,
that’s good to start with. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable, these are
things most people want. I’m willing to give every single one of these things
to my man. In addition, I think I’m justified in wanting these things
considering that I’ve gone my whole life without the joys of a romantic
relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
not expecting a fairy tale and I don’t expect perfection. But there are some
things that I believe should be in place, amidst the frailties and
imperfections that my future partner and I will exhibit. I’ll take the good and
the bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In
short, I just want a guy to reciprocate. I’m prepared to love a man pretty
completely and intensely. I recognize that, as new as I am, it might take more
than one relationship to find what I’m looking for. But I’m also making up for
lost time, so I am hopeful that my time on the sidelines has served some
purpose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;">I have no idea what
if feels like to like someone on a deep level and actually have them like me
back. Finding that ideal is one of my top goals for 2016. I’m ready and I
intend to finally make this a reality.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> I think about how my life could be affected
for the better if I had that. I can be complete and happy without it. I’m my
own person. But, let’s be honest: Love is power and I’m ready to experience
that level of power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ll
close with a quote from a recent episode of “Modern Family”: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="background: white; color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;">Why do we choose partners so different from
ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what
the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the
unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they
manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a
challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course
for our own growth.</span></i><i><span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent5; mso-themecolor: accent5; mso-themeshade: 191;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I’ve gone on long enough (as always), but I
could write a whole entry about how this quote applies to me. Instead, I’ll
just say that I find it interesting and true in some ways (and beautiful in
many ways). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I hope this article doesn’t come across as
though I’m the only person who has ever been lonely or without love. Many of my
married friends are lonelier within their marriages than I am. But, you have to
admit, my experience is a little unique. I’m 38 and only now am I ready to
seek a boyfriend. I feel like such a teenager. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">My love and support goes out to any of my
readers who are also in search of love and haven’t found it for whatever
reason. I love you and hope you find your version of love.</span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-53389923304700057202015-11-25T12:58:00.001-07:002015-11-25T13:09:22.137-07:00A Message of Love and Gratitude to My Haters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjij2Rz-h620k0bmCFGXL1cA9TL4KUdaQBDV0s8TvjgzCTtjI_mT8jufTILd6KuEW4ih3YFyiEpQe8PnS2p4MLL2eSwLmcyuxW0Au1fYXPToVmuf5uvW-TeEX1UlQVz4AO2cGGWvMGeLA/s1600/mouth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjij2Rz-h620k0bmCFGXL1cA9TL4KUdaQBDV0s8TvjgzCTtjI_mT8jufTILd6KuEW4ih3YFyiEpQe8PnS2p4MLL2eSwLmcyuxW0Au1fYXPToVmuf5uvW-TeEX1UlQVz4AO2cGGWvMGeLA/s320/mouth.jpg" width="253" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Around this time of year, I see a fair amount of my
Facebook friends posting daily gratitude messages as Thanksgiving Day
approaches. I enjoy reading them. They remind me what I should be grateful for.
Cynics might look at these posts and quickly dismiss them as an attempt to show
off, as if the author is trying to say “Look at how much more blessed I am than
you!” Others are able to see past that and appreciate heartfelt expressions of
humility and reliance upon God, family and friends. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Whatever the case, I believe there is so much good that
comes from acknowledging the various ways in which one has been blessed. I was
raised to begin my prayers by telling God what I was thankful for before I
asked for anything. I believe that this upbringing has made me pay less
attention to what I don’t have and appreciate more fully what I DO have.
Sometimes, I sulk and complain and want and murmur like anyone else. But I
strive to maintain an attitude of appreciation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
James Talmage said, <i>“Gratitude
is twin sister to humility; pride is a foe to both.”</i> Furthermore, we are
warned in D&C 59: 21, <i>“And in nothing
doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who
confess not his hand in all things.” </i>Personally, I don’t think the Lord has
a needy ego where He must be thanked. He is clear on what He has given us. But
I do believe that He asks us to be thankful, kind, humble and appreciative.
Doing so helps us treat each other with more compassion. Plus, I think it helps
us put our egos in check from time to time and to remember that without Him, we
are less than the dust of the earth (Helaman 12, anyone?).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
With all of this in mind, I’m taking a different approach
to my blog entry about gratitude. In thinking back over the past year, what am
I most grateful for? Well, readily, I think about this blog and about how vocal
I’ve been with regard to my sexuality and my membership in the LDS Church. The
obvious display of gratitude should go to the hundreds of people who have shown
love and kindness and reassurance and support in the way of a phone call, an
email, a comment on FB, a one-on-one conversation. etc. My soul has been
enriched by these acts of kindness and I’ve felt strongly again and again that
I am on the right track. I feel like my heart is in the right place and that I
am accomplishing some level of good through this blog.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But my thoughts are turned to those who haven’t been as
supportive or as kind. Though it’s a very small minority compared to the
overwhelming majority of you who have shown support, I’m in touch with and very
much affected by the things that my “haters” have said. It is to my haters that
I direct my thoughts of gratitude. To those of you who have shown a lack of
compassion or understanding, you strengthen me in my resolve to do what I think
is right. In the wise words of Christina Aguilera: “Thanks for makin’ me a
fighter!” Haha. The thing is, I’m not motivated to fight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’d like to highlight 3 comments from my readers, but
keep in mind, not one of them is signed with a name. It’s amazing the things we
can say to others from the comfort of our own computers and with the title
“Anonymous”. I’ve literally received over 1,000 expressions of love and support
since I started this blog in late June. But these 3 comments were pretty
hurtful to me. It’s not that they don’t agree with everything I say. It’s the
tone that is used. It’s the attempt to shut me up. It’s the refusal to try and
understand my point of view. It’s an unwillingness to have a conversation that really
stings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I feel that the comments are “ad hominem: a reaction
directed against a person rather than the position they are maintaining.” I
wonder if the same person wrote all 3 comments. Still, I try to make these
comments useful and constructive. I don’t want to give power to these comments,
so some might question why I’m showing them here. First and foremost, I want to
send a message that we can rise above these kinds of setbacks. But honestly, I
just wanted to respond to each one in the spirit of love and gratitude. I hope
that doing this will help the “haters” better understand my intentions and
purpose. After that, there’s nothing more I can do if the sender of these
comments isn’t going to budge.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">On July 30<sup>th</sup>, I
submitted <i>“The Parable of the Combo Meal”</i>
as an attempt to illustrate what few options gay members of the church are
presented with compared to the options our straight counterparts receive. I
learned a lot from the comments and learned that many members of the church who
are straight and married can feel some of these same things I’m feeling. It was
comforting to me to get their point of view. Unfortunately, I was met with the
following comment:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Stop trying to fix the damn
Mormons, or having them accept your lifestyle CHOICE so as to feel better about
your own insecurities. Take responsibility for you and STOP holding the Mormons
or any other group that doesn't share the same beliefs as you at fault. What
makes you so right! You want to change their views??? Start with changing
yours. All you write about here is your feelings and how you presume to be
treated. What the hell have you done to foster bridges or good will and in
being respectful of Christians beliefs and feelings? Enough of the cheese.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My
response: In the nicest tone I can employ, let me assure you that I’m not
trying to “fix” anyone. The “lifestyle” that I want to maintain is probably
remarkably similar to your lifestyle. What have I done to foster bridges and be
respectful? Oh, I don’t know. Write thought-provoking, heart-wrenching blog
entries about how much I love the church and how I’m having a difficult time
reconciling that love with their doctrine and my sexuality? Being a line of
support for others to relate to? Offering my bare soul to the masses without
hiding behind a mask? Does any of that count for something? As for the last
line by this commenter, I guess I’m just a cheesy guy. I’m sorry you feel the
need to use all caps and shout at me in response to what I thought was a fair
piece. If I come across as self-righteous or forceful in trying to change
views, I failed. Or, maybe you just need to re-read what I’m actually saying
and compare your comment with all of the other comments. Can we meet in the
middle?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #00b050; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">On
October 16<sup>th</sup>, I submitted <i>“Matt
Walsh: Blood on His Hands”</i> to suggest that his approach is potentially
harmful, judgmental and cruel. I warned my fellow members of the church that if
we take his same approach instead of showing compassion and understanding, it
can lead gay members of the church to feel more disenfranchised than they
already do. It was a plea to my brothers and sisters to be more careful in how
we address gay members of the church. In response, someone commented:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #00b050; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Some of this shit is absolute
garbage. Maybe, just maybe, you're too sensitive. It's always those rotten
Mormons with you, never any other religion. Get over it, it is free speech and
it doesn't always make it right, but it does allow us to express love in
return. Matt Walsh, whatever!!! Stop going after his head (spreading the same
hate he is, tarnishing him) and go after his heart. Show love. If you can't do
that, you're no different. For hells sake get off Matt's level.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #00b050; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My
response: Garbage? Asking people to be more compassionate and careful in their
approach to members of the church who are gay is garbage? I’ll admit, I’m
probably more sensitive than your typical guy, but I view that as a strength.
With that sensitivity comes an added level of awareness. I am able to consider
what others might be going through. I am willing to entertain another point of
view. But my point of view here is dismissed by you as garbage. “Never any
other religion”? I am LDS, so that’s my experience. The whole purpose of my
blog is to discuss my membership in a church that I love while facing some very
challenging aspects of hanging on to that membership. I may have failed if the
message received was that I am spreading the same hate Matt Walsh is. If I’m
seen as on his level, dang, I dropped the ball. Most commenters don’t feel that
way, but I’m willing to reconsider my approach here. Let me keep it real to
this commenter: I know many gay members of the church who are in a dark place.
Not because of their “lifestyle”, not because of their state of sinfulness, but
because of the refusal of their brothers and sisters to see that their
experience looks a little different. When these friends start taking their own
lives, I’m going to have something to say to the Matt Walsh’s of the world. I
thought my piece here did nothing but show love and demanded love from others. But
I’ll take another look and self-assess.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">On
November 6<sup>th</sup>, I submitted <i>“Unrequited:
My Love Affair with the LDS Church”</i>. The commenter here has no idea what
kind of negative impact the change in church policy had on me. I was in bed for
days, I had lost of lot of hope in the church I love and have given so much to
over the years. My intention was to compare my relationship with the church to unrequited
love. It took an extra level of vulnerability to express what I wrote, but this
was the comment I received from another “Anonymous” person:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“You only hear what you want,
and YOU NATE are as guilty as what you blame others. You only appreciate those
with the same views and "lifestyle" and label everything that goes
contrary to your view as mean. You argue to win not to build, give me an F-ing
break. You try to come off guiltless. You are so damn hypocritical, easily
offended over everything, EVERYTHING! You look to find argument. It's like you
can’t talk of anything else, you always play the victim when in F-ing reality,
you have so much to be thankful for. I'm so tired of hearing your constant
bitching and you cloaking all your insecurities. PLEASE PLEASE as a friend
(tough love) just shut up and think about it. Your f-ing sexuality shouldn't
define you. So again SHUT YOUR MOUTH and stop pointing fingers. Can someone
please give me a HOLY SHIT!!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Honestly,
I just don’t have much to say in response. The person who wrote this uses the
term “F-ing” several times and uses all caps to drive their message home. It reeks of hate and anger. Anyone else who read my entry can see what my
intention was. Even now, I’m hurting from the policy change and am not sure
where I’m at with the church. But I’m calm and know that I’ll come to some
conclusions when I’m ready. I received an unprecedented outpouring of love
after this blog entry was posted. But this commenter’s sole purpose is to get
me to shut up. To stop speaking. I will do the opposite. I will speak firmly,
loudly and confidently. For those who can’t speak and for those who have been
told to “SHUT UP!”, I will continue to ask for change. I will continue to offer
a different point of view. I will continue to love others. I will continue to
love the Lord and seek direction from Him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">One
thing is clear: When people write these kinds of comments, it really doesn’t
have much to do with me or what I’m saying. It has so much more to do with
where they are at in life. I take comfort in that. Still, I get hurt like
anyone else. But I’m grateful to be developing a thicker skin and I’m grateful
that any kind of persecution or negativity I’ve experienced in this blog
journey helps me relate a little more to what the Savior went through.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">If
you are an internet troll who hides behind your computer and sends out whatever
nasty messages you want to send, I love you. I feel for you. I don’t understand
you, but I understand that some of the main emotions that drive your messages
are fear, self-loathing and ignorance. That can’t be easy to experience. Consider
your words before you hit that “Send” button. It’s my belief that you’ll be
faced with those words and that you will account for them one day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">To
my readers: I hope my message and intention is clear. If I have put out any
kind of negativity or messages that cause division and hate, I apologize. My
intended message is about love, inclusion, understanding, sympathy, compassion,
reaching out, having a willingness to consider another point of view. If I’ve
failed, I’ll try harder. Continued thanks for your support and kindness.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-56623512055427405132015-11-06T13:01:00.002-07:002015-11-08T01:51:59.227-07:00Unrequited: My Love Affair with the LDS Church<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD376SR6YTk8AziHYI_89OlWTMwc8cMoBH98ESnslCta-_w12Y5-l_F0TD63FEWj4tr1GnLfp_7oYXq0USz4wq9X2h_kqD-92RjtWsWYRXoRcy2vwPCfnaJZzZO-Z0SDi2JWYcJv4nJA/s1600/jesus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD376SR6YTk8AziHYI_89OlWTMwc8cMoBH98ESnslCta-_w12Y5-l_F0TD63FEWj4tr1GnLfp_7oYXq0USz4wq9X2h_kqD-92RjtWsWYRXoRcy2vwPCfnaJZzZO-Z0SDi2JWYcJv4nJA/s320/jesus.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Four years ago, I fell in love with a man. Deeply, madly,
profoundly. What started out as infatuation developed into something much more
meaningful. I’d never felt so deeply for someone and even now, I question if
I’ll ever feel that way about someone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I got to know this man more and more and we became close
friends. But alas, he was taken. Still, I would do thoughtful things for him.
I’d send uplifting messages and gift him gifts on special occasions. While he
never reciprocated much with these kinds of gestures, he was remarkably kind
and sweet. He allowed me access into his world and we shared some experiences
that I’d never experienced before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And then the message was delivered: “I don’t feel that
way about you, Nate.” I was fully aware that he wasn’t exactly on the market,
but I was still devastated. Knowing that we couldn’t be together was one thing
to accept. But knowing he didn’t view me in the same light that I viewed him
was crushing to my soul. It did a number to my self-esteem and I’m still not
sure I’ve recovered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Besides health problems, financial stress and losing
people you love, I’m not sure there is another form of pain that rivals the
ultimate agony of feeling so deeply for someone and knowing that those feelings
can’t be returned. It may sound like high school, but really: Unrequited love hurts
like hell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I reflect on my deep affection for this man, I’ve come
to realize that I’ve never been so hurt by someone in my entire life. However,
the object of my affection doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. I would take
things very personally. If he didn’t return gestures or if he couldn’t find
time for me, I’d take it as feedback. To him, he just simply didn’t have the
bandwidth to give what I was able to give. The furthest intention from his
heart was to hurt me. But that was the result. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Intentions vs. results.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Since then, I’ve recognized that my tendency to hold on
was leading me to a very sad place. Who knows? In another world, another time,
maybe we could’ve worked or been a good fit. But all of my hopes and wishes
were ultimately wasted. This man didn’t hurt me. My hopes and expectations of
what could be hurt me. Thinking of what I could do for him and what he could do
for me over the years. Gone in a second.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’m seeing a parallel between my experience with this man
and my experience with the LDS Church. I fear more and more that it’s a classic
case of unrequited love. I’m never going to get back what I give.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was dealt a double punch to the gut on Thursday,
November 5<sup>th</sup>. I became aware that new policies in the church
handbook would deem members of the church in same-sex marriages as “apostates”.
This wasn’t too surprising. After all, married people tend to have sex.
Straight married sex is not sinful and gay married sex is grounds for
excommunication. But to add “same-gender marriages” to the list of offenses
that deem someone as an “apostate” is pretty hurtful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Can you imagine being called a bigot? Or a racist? When
you know in your heart that you love all people and you strive to be
Christ-like, being called a word like that takes away from everything you try
to stand for. And so it is with the word “apostate”. Can you actually imagine
having a deep love for the church to the point of giving your life to it and
then being dismissed as an “apostate” simply because of who you love?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, later that night, I began to see a
flood of posts directed at the church and assumed that it was because of this
whole apostate thing. Then it became clear that a second bomb had dropped:
Children of same-sex couples don’t get baby blessings and can’t be baptized
until they turn 18. Even then, these children must move out of their parents’
homes and disavow all same-sex relationships. In a sense, they must turn
against their parents. Plus, approval from top leadership in the church is
required.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Initially, I couldn’t help but feel angry, confused,
attacked, misunderstood, judged, shut out, uninvited, etc. A flurry of texts,
private messages and other gestures came my way by family and friends who knew
this would be a painful thing for members of the church in my boat. So much
love at such a low time. I was an emotional wreck and just needed time to sort
my thoughts and feelings out. After all, the church hadn’t even commented yet
on the new policies. But would the way I felt change at all after a statement
was made? To me, the damage had been done. The message was already delivered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Anyone who has followed my blog has seen that I have
tried my best to speak well of the church. Entry after entry, I’ve been honest
about some of the difficulties that come along with being a gay man who still
wants connection with the LDS church. I’ve defended the church at times because
it is filled with people I love. People who are so good and who are so loving
and so quick to show compassion. I’ve explained why I wish to stay aligned.
I’ve shared my testimony. I was even planning on posting a new entry with “The
Top 10 Reasons I’m Still Glad to Be a Mormon” as an uplifting message to my
brothers and sisters in the church. I wanted them to see that we really aren’t
that different.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I felt my balance was good and that more and more people
were open to having a conversation. I saw progress in the church and found a
period of peace where I knew that things would take a while, but hey, things
were progressing. I was getting mostly positive feedback from my blog and was
humbled by the notion that being so open and honest might actually be affecting
some change.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thursday’s news stopped me dead in my tracks. I am
reminded of a man I loved very much. I gave and gave and would’ve done anything
for him. But he just wouldn’t (and couldn’t) love me back. He wasn’t mean or
unkind. He just didn’t have the ability to return my feelings. To give myself
some semblance of peace, I’ve let go of him. In some ways I will always love
him. But I recognize that holding on is causing more pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Similarly, I have loved this church. I loved singing at
the top of my lungs in primary. I loved passing the sacrament and collecting
fast offerings. I loved leadership roles as a young man. I loved playing the piano for the kids in Primary. I loved doing countless musical numbers over the years. I loved leading Gospel Doctrine classes in thought-provoking and meaningful discussions. I fought hard to serve
a mission. I loved and taught the people of England and Wales with everything
that I had. I put aside my own needs and desires for companionship for 20 years
of my adult life because I wanted to abide the law of chastity. Even now, as
I’m ready to date and consider companionship, I am trying my damnedest to
affiliate with the church and have a place at the table. While I don’t feel I’m
getting that back, I have to ask: Is the church trying to hurt me deliberately? I don’t
think so. At the end of the day, that’s the result.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe holding on so tightly is
causing more harm than good. Maybe I’ve been a fool to think that I could one
day marry a great guy and raise children with the principles and teachings we
learned in the LDS church. Maybe it’s time I admit that I should’ve known
better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Since Thursday, the debates on both sides have merit and
deserve consideration. But I’m just not in a place where I can accept most of
them. One guy wants to compare this to children of polygamy and suggest that
“this is nothing new” and I’m supposed to be comforted by such thoughtless
sentiments. The next guy wants to bash the church and suggest that it’s
responsible for suicides and tearing families apart. While some of that may be
true, I am not ready to join his fight against the church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am, however, ready to question and ready to express
that I am hurt by what the church did, once again. I’m down for the count and
will need some time to reassess whether I still want to be a part of this
church. I know that will hurt some of my friends and family very much. But I’d
ask them to consider the rollercoaster this ride has been for me. I want to get
off that ride for a while because I’m sick to my stomach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While I have no plans to resign and pull my records from
the church, this whole experience has shaken me. I feel like the church is
saying the same thing to me that a man I once loved said: “I don’t feel the
same way about you, Nate.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unrequited love hurts like hell. Especially when you’ve
given so much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For a time, I will not be turning to the church for
direction or answers. But I will continue to turn to God and pray for peace and
understanding. For clarity and for hearts to soften. Thanks to all of you who have reached out. It’s the one
thing that kept me going and gave me the courage to post this.</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>UPDATE:</b> <i>I posted the following in response to the church-released statement from Elder Christofferson of the Twelve to my Facebook page on 11/07, thought I'd include it here:</i></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.32px;">With a humble heart, I wanted to quickly express my response to this video. I've already shared how I feel on my blog before the church released any kind of statement. But many of my dear LDS friends have made comments such as this: "It's too bad people are overreacting to the policy being leaked to the press by an apostate. Wait and see what the church has to officially say before you draw any conclusions." Some have added that this video helps them feel peace and understand</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 19.32px;">ing. With love and respect for Elder Christofferson, however, I must say that watching this 10 minute clip did not comfort me or magically change the way I feel. I wish I could report that it did. Some would say: "Church haters are going to continue to hate, no matter what." Fine, some will do just that. But the majority of people I know who have been rocked by this recent news are not haters of the church. They are not lacking in spirit or failing to exhibit faith. They are simply devastated by these changes. I'm willing to entertain the ways in which children could be spared confusion and humiliation with this strict policy. Unfortunately, I strongly believe that this change will affect children in many more negative ways than in positive ways. It will break what semblance of "family" the gay members of our church have. I do not wish to be divisive. I don't enjoy hurting the feelings of church members that mean a great deal to me. But I needed to express that copying this link with a quick command to "watch this and pray before you condemn" did not have a changing effect on me. I'm still hurt. I still disagree. And I will still turn to the Lord for further understanding and peace. I'm not a rebel. I'm not an apostate. I am a gay man who loves the Lord and with humility, I continue to question this change in policy.</span></span></div>
<br />
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-6708770355422362282015-10-29T16:07:00.000-06:002015-10-29T16:10:46.540-06:00"Why I Sing", an essay for The Utah Chamber Artists<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-ICp6ihaHERNVsHb0VjzcSxvkR-Ea7YE4NllnYET_mXnAAvDOfdhIAMkP_Ao6IG5JoFTSORNJtZAZHaye6Jv-XTFVgdpavrFan0oE9F_ZLKcQo4kwaNdl3fRSxdzxpM_oRBzs0wiHQ/s1600/young+nate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-ICp6ihaHERNVsHb0VjzcSxvkR-Ea7YE4NllnYET_mXnAAvDOfdhIAMkP_Ao6IG5JoFTSORNJtZAZHaye6Jv-XTFVgdpavrFan0oE9F_ZLKcQo4kwaNdl3fRSxdzxpM_oRBzs0wiHQ/s320/young+nate.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>(Originally written for The Utah Chamber Artists newsletter and website in September 2015)</em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have a confession. For
years, I’ve been hanging on to a secret that has been the source of shame. Now
is the time to let it out: I dropped out of piano lessons at the age of 9. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yes, friends, it’s true.
But it doesn’t stop there. I used to hate singing because of a traumatic
experience I endured at the hands of my piano teacher. Let’s go back in time.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My earliest music-related
memory was when I inadvertently played a chord on my grandmother’s piano at the
age of 5. With excitement, she ran over to me and said, “Nathan, do you know
what that is? It’s a chord!” I loved the reaction and validation my musical
mistake elicited from a woman who could ragtime rattle those ivory keys like a
rattlesnake can rattle…well…you get the point. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As the youngest of 8 eight
kids, and being a triplet on top of that, I saw the piano as my chance to step
out and do my own thing. From that time on, I would play piano on a regular
basis, much to the chagrin of my 6 brothers who wanted to watch TV without my
childhood compositions coming into creation in the background. After all, the
one TV we had and the piano were in the same room. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A few years later, I would
begin taking piano lessons from Denese Webster across the street. She was a
fantastic teacher and I was scheduled to play two songs at a recital within a
few months of starting my lessons. That’s when the proverbial crap hit the fan.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Nathan, let’s have you do
the Beethoven for your first piece. For your second piece, I’d like you to do
something more upbeat and fun. How do you feel about singing and playing at the
same time?” It was the first time in my life that I was challenged to actually
sing in front of people. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, there I was, at my
recital. The Beethoven went perfectly, but it didn’t matter. My second piece,
“The Boogie-Woogie Goose”, was coming up and I knew my brothers would give me a
hard time. I was encouraged to sing it with conviction and pep. The main note
from Mrs. Webster was “Louder, Nathan. LOUDER!”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I assured the audience
through my performance that Aunt Rhody’s old gray goose was, in fact, not dead,
but was busy being a dancing fool, my faced flushed with embarrassment. My
brothers meant no harm, but I remember seeing them laugh throughout the song.
The lyrics were fun and silly, but I took their laughter as feedback. Ever
since then, I still have insecurities about my singing voice. I can take a
compliment on my piano playing or songwriting, but I somehow don’t think I’m as
deserving when it comes to singing. Darn, that silly goose.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mrs. Webster turned me on
to a new possibility, however. The idea of singing and playing piano at the
same time led to a love of songwriting and arranging. Throughout junior high
and high school, I was much more comfortable being the accompanist than the
singing soloist, but I kept trying to find my voice. There was the time my
voice cracked on my “Bein’ Green” solo in 8<sup>th</sup> grade and the entire
choir chuckled behind me. But, in a bigger victory, there was the time I wrote
a song and performed it at my high school graduation, backed by the choir and
followed by a standing ovation from my graduating class. To this day, it’s one
of the best feelings I’ve ever had.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Since college, I developed
more of a singer-songwriter style. It was perfect. I could hide behind the
piano and sing in a quiet, comfortable style that perfectly suited my range.
But this style did not bode well for my first audition for The Utah Chamber
Artists. While I was told I had a lovely voice, I had much to learn. Phrasing,
diction, shaping my vowels, etc. Since then, as a member of this lovely group,
I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone and learn to use my voice in a new way.
A collaborative way. A beautiful way. No more hiding behind the piano for this
guy. “Louder, Nathan. LOUDER!”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ll end on a personal
note. As a 38 year-old member of the LDS church who happens to be gay, I’ve
only recently decided that it might be okay to date and eventually find
companionship. My personal journey to find balance, acceptance and peace began
in a similar way to my singing career. The once trembling, nervous boy who had
to sing about that stupid goose has evolved into a man who is comfortable
singing a solo or blending beautifully with the most talented group of
musicians around. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Similarly, I’m no longer
afraid to use my voice in other ways. I use my voice to speak out, to ask for
kindness and understanding, to challenge the status quo, to encourage
acceptance and change. I use my voice to express myself, to offer advice to a
friend in need, to make people laugh, to agree and to disagree. But perhaps the
most beautiful thing I do with the voice I’ve been given, as imperfect as it
may be, is touching lives through music. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Joining my UCA friends in
song is one of the most thrilling and joyful experiences I’ve ever had. Being
part of something like this has not only built my confidence with my own songs,
it has also affected my approach to life. My personal song is sweeter and fuller
as a result.</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Guess I have Mrs. Webster
to thank. I’ll admit, I’m glad that goose isn’t dead.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>Original post:</em> <a href="http://www.utahchamberartists.org/2015/10/28/nate-why-i-sing/">http://www.utahchamberartists.org/2015/10/28/nate-why-i-sing/</a> </span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-88678964452627560302015-10-16T12:57:00.000-06:002015-10-16T13:19:47.515-06:00Matt Walsh: Blood on His Hands<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicI_D84RJ4MwQyBIr3nZSNPHKODShG4IRo4I4niopNw-v6DkWXL5XJBuPcWgLowvErd7hxye7uH8LOV5aU-3sYSAc5lqKKuGB8PDHMLIZuPrGDfrCkKkdtvuLRVrQXF0-A1YFjesX3gA/s1600/blood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicI_D84RJ4MwQyBIr3nZSNPHKODShG4IRo4I4niopNw-v6DkWXL5XJBuPcWgLowvErd7hxye7uH8LOV5aU-3sYSAc5lqKKuGB8PDHMLIZuPrGDfrCkKkdtvuLRVrQXF0-A1YFjesX3gA/s320/blood.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
On a fairly regular basis, LDS friends of mine (who I
love and still associate with) will share a post like the one shown below. Sometimes,
they’ll add their own stamp of approval for the content they are sharing and
praise it. So, then I go to read what is shared and feel completely opposite. I
continue to be amazed how something that brings a friend such goodness and
light can cause me to feel incredibly down and sad, at times, even angry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i>“Well, Nate, you’ve
lost your way.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i>“You’re not in tune
with the Spirit.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i>“If you made more
of an effort, you’d agree with everything in the post.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’ve lost my way? I’m not in tune? Then why do I feel so
good when I pray? Why do I feel more assured than ever before that the efforts
I am making are acceptable to my Maker?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Consider the following example, posted by a friend
earlier today. I’ve eaten dinner at her table and she is remarkably kind and
thoughtful. But then, she posts something like this and regards Matt Walsh as brilliant and courageous. It makes me wonder what
she truly thinks of someone like me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW-KvhTn1SypSluynO1nhGvD81Qkm_iS_9Mamo1au5izkXPwGSk4cWD3zy6mAbMxEknWnGoEFp4FYB3RelehtizysX_WEtYZBftQbKnDZGgqAsVsAYf_ieoY_zmQdSDLvPHcLas8L51g/s1600/steph2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW-KvhTn1SypSluynO1nhGvD81Qkm_iS_9Mamo1au5izkXPwGSk4cWD3zy6mAbMxEknWnGoEFp4FYB3RelehtizysX_WEtYZBftQbKnDZGgqAsVsAYf_ieoY_zmQdSDLvPHcLas8L51g/s640/steph2.jpg" width="505" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Matt Walsh is well-known for his blog, and I have a fair
amount of friends who subscribe to his way of thinking. That’s okay, we can
still be friends. But I’m a different kind of Christian. On numerous occasions,
I’ve read Mr. Walsh’s thoughts on a variety of topics and, in my humble
opinion, he misses the mark. It’s very “letter of the law” and less “spirit of
the law” to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In his latest post, <a href="http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/no-christianity-should-not-welcome-or-include-your-sinful-lifestyle/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=story&utm_campaign=ShareButtons">No,
Christianity Should Not Welcome or Include Your Sinful Lifestyle</a>, he says a
number of things that strike me as dangerous, insensitive, lacking in
understanding and devoid of any compassion. When members of the church
perpetuate these kinds of messages, I feel extreme sadness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I understand that as members of the church, we must
strive to be obedient. But sometimes I wonder why we don’t focus as much on the
concept of forgiveness. “The law is the law and who are we to change it? Fall
in line or get out of the way!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As I consider friends who have taken their lives or who
have lived their lives in hiding and isolation in fear of condemnation from the
very people who should be prepared to love them the most, these are the direct
quotes from Mr. Walsh’s latest blog entry that concern me the most. As you read
through them, do you feel good?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“The sins of homosexuality and fornication have existed since
Biblical times…What do we know in our time that the Church didn’t
know —<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> that God Himself didn’t know</span></em> —
up to now? Be very careful in how you answer that question.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“You need to stop reading with your emotions and
read with your brain.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Two plus two equals four, because it does, and because even
a stupid man can see that.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“It’s difficult to have grown-up conversations these
days, because people like yourself see every mention of moral truth
as either a personal attack or a statement of superiority. This
is the real damage you cause in the Faith.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“You want to be coddled.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“You want to modify Christian teachings not because you
tried them and found them wrong, but because you found them difficult and don’t
want to try them.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“You apparently come a sick and broken man looking to be
assured you were never sick and broken to begin with.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“I’m tired of hearing this “inclusive” stuff.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“You’re asking to be “included” in the Faith <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">on your own terms</span></em>. That’s just not
how this works, brother. As Christians, we have no authority to “include” you
in that way.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<em><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You</span></em><i><span style="color: #7030a0;"> must be
the one who “includes” the Truth in your life. <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Your</span></em> lifestyle
must change to accommodate the Truth, not the other way around.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“A sin is still a sin, and He instructs us all to “go and sin
no more” (John 8:11), which often means dramatically altering our lifestyles.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“You must choose, then, to walk through the right path,
the narrow path, but it will be difficult and demanding, and it <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">will</span></em> not and cannot be widened to include you.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“We all struggle with sin. But <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">struggle</span></em> is the keyword.
Struggle. Fight back. Plead with God in agony to help you defeat these
demons. Go to Christ begging that He help you overcome your
temptations and live with chastity and temperance. Don’t demand that your
sin be allowed to accompany you into Heaven. It can’t.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“It seems you want to remove, well, all of those
ingredients and still call yourself a Christian. You might as well remove
all the yeast and flour from a mixture and call the goop of water, butter,
and salt that remains ‘bread.’”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“We have to choose to shed our sin, pick up our cross, and
follow Him. That’s what it means to “be included.” You say that’s what you
want, but do you?”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“Christians churches in America were never guilty of
“alienating” unrepentant sinners like the “LGBTQ
community.” They are so attached to their sin that they literally
define themselves by it. They look for ‘community’ not with the
Body of Christ, but with those who share their urges and fetishes. They elect
to reject the difficult aspects of the Faith. They alienate themselves.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“John Chrysostom said the Holy Scripture should be “engraved
upon our hearts.” There are some Christians who wish to adhere to it
with that level of severity. <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">They</span></em> are
the minority that all churches should be bending over backwards to
embrace. <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">They</span></em> are the ones who need to
be included again.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“The church has not failed if it makes open homosexuals
or anyone else feel uncomfortable in their sin. That is a success. That is the
church doing what it’s supposed to do.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: red;">“I’ll pray Christian churches in this country always
“include” the Truth, not liberal sexual dogmas or any other form of blasphemy.”
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #7030a0;">“I’ll pray you leave your sin behind and come to Christ
remorseful and empty handed, ready to be His servant.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I could respond to each quote, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll
leave it up to my readers. Do these comments sound like they come from someone
who wants gay people to feel welcome and included? Does the author of these
comments even begin to understand (or make the slightest attempt to understand)
what it’s like to be gay and Christian? Does this collection of quotes sound like anything the
Savior would say?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As I read through this blog, it doesn’t bring me closer
to the Savior. It’s basically Matt Walsh saying, “Get over it, no mercy is
available here. Just get over being gay and stop complaining.” He associates
being gay with being depraved. Most of the gay people I know have the same core
needs as anyone else. But Mr. Walsh would dismiss the longing to be loved and
the chance to build a life with someone they love as “urges and fetishes”. But
only when it comes to gay people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In closing, I’m just asking you to be more aware when you
share these kinds of messages. I’m all for standing up for what you believe in
and even fighting the good fight. But if you can do these things in such a way
that makes people like me feel loved and included and part of the fold, that’d
be really great.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Compare his approach to Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Twelve:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-size: large;">"As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let's not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender."</span></i><br />
<br />
His use of the word "lifestyle" kind of bugs me, but the tone is so much warmer and more Christ-like, don't you think?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think Matt Walsh’s approach is irresponsible and
dangerous. His complete lack of mercy and understanding is something that he’ll
have to account for one day just as much as I will have to account for my own
sins. Luckily, we both have a Savior who loves us. I just think one of us tries
to bring people TO the Savior while the other one often pushes people AWAY from
the Savior.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Read Matt Walsh. Agree with Matt Walsh if you want. Say how brilliant and courageous he is. But
be aware that his insensitive tone and unapologetic approach is doing damage to
people who truly love the Lord. I know plenty of brilliant and courageous gay men and women who lives their lives in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord. People like Matt Walsh may never understand what this kind of discipleship requires.</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-29255959511346859342015-09-28T22:04:00.002-06:002015-09-29T11:21:04.108-06:00The Right Way to Be Gay (and Mormon)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtiuh8Be44XJocUm98uNEDB1gRGv5vTpH1I-kDIhetlgloDZI3RyQVrNyIQwyC82poXJHx8m-sX9pEgAMeiwYKkKLbmIh0v-EHRYe3q5Z-q8PaFYeEgJBZWNhlPwoy4oImcUcfduW1Ag/s1600/lds_rainbow_shirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtiuh8Be44XJocUm98uNEDB1gRGv5vTpH1I-kDIhetlgloDZI3RyQVrNyIQwyC82poXJHx8m-sX9pEgAMeiwYKkKLbmIh0v-EHRYe3q5Z-q8PaFYeEgJBZWNhlPwoy4oImcUcfduW1Ag/s320/lds_rainbow_shirt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, I’ve experienced three separate rounds of coming out:
Pre-mission, post-mission and 15 years after my mission. Each round came as I
was ready and I’m open to the idea that there may be future rounds as I
continue to evolve and find my way. Some things will always remain constant and
consistent. It’s my nature to need stability and a foundation upon which to
stand. Other things are negotiable and undecided. At 38, I can’t predict
exactly where I’ll be when I’m 70, let alone 40. I’m truly a work in progress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the years, I’ve opened up and had countless
conversations with friends and family members about where I was at with the
church and with my sexual orientation. In retrospect, I see that I spent most
of the time in those conversations making it okay for the listener. Assuring
them that I would get out on my mission soon while enduring humiliation,
speculation and judgment for going late. Assuring them after my mission that
while I was attracted to men, I had no intention of seeking a relationship. And
now, assuring them that while I’d like to give dating a try, I still have a
testimony of many things that are part of the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught
within the church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some friends have been upset that I would agree to a life
of such loneliness, even if it was the righteous thing to do. Others have
assured me of their continued love and support, as long as I didn’t act on
these feelings. I’ve had friends (and family members) come and go. Some are ready
to support me and really try to understand where I’m at. Some have written me
off, leaving me in the dust. Through it all, I’ve learned, there really isn’t a
right way to be a gay Mormon that will please everybody.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With that in mind, I’d like to present <b>4 different gay-Mormon archetypes</b> by
presenting a description of each, <span style="color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">how the church might see them</span>, <span style="color: #7030a0;">how
the gay community might see them</span>, and finally, <span style="color: #0070c0;">how
I see them</span>. I hate to put people into categories, and these are very general, but this serves a purpose. I’m asking you to review these archetypes with an open heart
and the added consideration that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to
this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gay Man, Married
to a Woman, Active in Church<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perhaps this man dutifully did what he was supposed to
do. Served a mission, returned home, got married to a woman, had kids and then
later in life has come to terms with his sexuality. Sure, certain aspects of
his marriage are tricky, but what marriage doesn’t have its own set of
challenges?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The church might say: Good for him! See? Just because a man is
attracted to another man doesn’t mean he can’t still marry a woman and make it
work.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The gay community might say:
He’s a fool if he thinks that is going to last. It’s just unrealistic. Besides,
why build a life with someone you’re not even attracted to? Isn’t that
dangerous for the kids involved?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s what I think: The
balancing act and complexity of being in a mixed-orientation marriage seems
overwhelming to me. The men who patiently and skillfully maintain this kind of marriage have my respect, not my judgment. Some of these men come out to their wives before the
wedding day. Some come out to their wives years into the marriage. One has to
wonder how it affects the wife when her husband makes this confession. But can
it be done? Sure it can. I have friends who are making this work and, while everything
isn’t perfect, they are resolved to make that commitment (and covenant) work at
all costs. I believe that it takes a strong woman who has enough
self-confidence and self-worth to make this work, and I applaud these women. If
a gay man truly wants an eternal family, as taught within the church, more than
he wants companionship with another man, who are any of us to say he shouldn’t
be married to that woman? On the flip side: I have had many conversations with
gay men who were married with kids, held callings such as bishop and stake
president and who gave their marriages everything they had. With tears in their
eyes, they’ve told me how torturous their marriages were for them and the guilt
they carried for not being the husbands and fathers they were supposed to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Summary: I know gay men who
are married to women who are some of the best husbands and fathers I’ve ever
known. It can be done. But just because it’s working for some couples, should
all couples be held to that standard? No. In fact, the statistics aren’t great.
I know far more men whose marriages didn’t end well than those whose marriages
are working. It can work and I admire couples who make it work, but let’s be
honest about the heartache that can come despite earnest gay men giving it
everything they had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Single Gay Man, Active in Church, No
Intentions of Dating Men<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of
these men remain open to the idea of marrying a woman while others see that
marriage isn’t in the cards in this lifetime. They agree to a life of celibacy
and loneliness but feel the peace and assurance that comes with standing right
before the Lord. Plus, it’s not complete loneliness. Some of these men have an
amazing network of friends that they feel a close bond with. Some of them even
have cuddle buddies because it’s important to have intimacy and connection with
others. It’s necessary to have certain human needs met. But, for the most part,
these men remain chaste and are able to experience a closeness with other men
without crossing a sexual, and thus, sinful line.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The church might say: How commendable. Who are we to question God’s
laws? Just because some experiences same-sex attraction does not mean they have
to act on it.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The gay community might say:
How unfortunate that someone would choose to live this life so alone because of
what they were raised to believe. Don’t they get that God still loves them even
if they have a husband or boyfriend?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s what I think: To
members of the church who challenge gay men “not to act on it”, I would remind
them that being gay isn’t just about being tempted to get naked with another
man and have sex. It’s about having basic core needs that need to be met. To
the men who have been involved with organizations like Evergreen and North Star,
I admire you and respect you. Your resolve to remain authentic in your own way
takes a great deal of discipline and sacrifice. Trust me, I know. My personal
experience with groups like that was a mixed bag. At times, I felt uplifted and
I felt a sense of brotherhood and support. But my participation provided me with
hope that often led to disappointment. I also felt a lot of the guys were so
focused on their own righteousness that a Savior wasn’t even necessary. When
one fell to the “dark side” by choosing to date men, it became topic for
judgment and lamentation. I mean no offense, but that’s what I experienced.
Still, there are so many great guys in the church who are so pure in heart and
have such good resolve to do what they truly feel God wants them to do. I’m not
here to challenge that at all. For 20 years, I was in this category. For me, it
just got to the point where I could no longer realistically consider that level
of loneliness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Single Gay Man, Not Active in Church,
Dates Men, Still Has Affiliation with the Church<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Men in
this category still have testimonies that mean a great deal to them. Or maybe
they just want involvement with the church on a cultural level because it’s
part of who they are. In some cases, these men are involved with groups like
Affirmation which earnestly assists the LGBT community in bridging the gap.
Some men in this category date other men freely, without feeling guilt or
condemnation. Other men in this category date men but aren’t ever truly able to
do so without feeling some level of conflict.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The church might say: If you’re going to live that lifestyle, then
just leave already. Why do you have to be so vocal about it? You’re being way
too open about something so private. Do we have to talk about it?</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The gay community might say:
Just move on already. If you’re dating men, then the church doesn’t really want
anything to do with you anyway. Why on earth would you want any affiliation
with a church that is so hateful toward you and others like you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s what I think: This is
where I’m at currently. I know the pain that comes from living 20 years of your
adult life without someone to call your partner, lover, spouse, significant
other, etc. Despite having a constant supply of great friends and a supportive
family, I know what it’s like to mourn deeply over the number of weekends you
stay alone at home while everyone else is moving on with their dating life,
married life, and so on. I truly believe that I’ve incurred some level of
psychological damage by putting myself through this long period of intense
loneliness. Can a loving Heavenly Father truly expect this of me for another 38
years? Can a merciful Heavenly Father forgive me for not being as active in the
church as I once was? Can my gay friends just try to support me and understand
why I want connection with the church even though they don’t? Can my LDS
friends just be happy for me that I finally get to experience life more fully
by seeking companionship like they have? So many thoughts and so many people to
consider and make happy. I actually had a brother ask me recently why the gays
can’t just start their own church. I’ve seen gay couples who achieve levels of
intense happiness by finding love and still having a place in the church
(although being sexually active presents some problems with their actual
memberships). Ultimately, I’m in a place where I won’t be completely happy
either way. If I leave the church fully and marry a man, I’m in pain. If I stay
with the church and don’t date men, I’m in pain. For men like me, sometimes the
decision is about which choice is less painful. Men in this situation don’t
need approval or condemnation from the church or the gay community. They just
need to feel loved while they try to make both parties happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gay Man, Left the Church, Wants
Nothing to do with the Church<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of
these men are married or partnered to other men and lead very happy lives. Men in
this category do not consider themselves members of the church and have even
had their names removed from church records. But some continue to keep a pulse
on what’s going on within the church and publicly share their opinions about church
history, general conference talks, changes in church leadership, headlines from
the church’s news room or website, etc. Other men in this category have nothing
to do with the church and have no interest in discussing it. Maybe they weren't offended or anything. They just simply don't agree with the doctrine and so they’ve truly
moved on.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The church might say: Quit kicking against the pricks. If you aren’t
happy in the church, then just leave. Why do you keep digging up dirt? How can
anyone find happiness outside of the church? It’s just not possible!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The gay community might say:
I left the church for a reason and I intend to share it with others. Just
because I’m no longer a member doesn’t mean I can’t share my opinions. Do you
have any idea what the church put me through and how it made me feel? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s what I think: Men in
this category are perhaps the most in need of and most deserving of your love
and understanding. In many cases, these men have considered suicide. They’ve
been made to feel less than 2<sup>nd</sup> class members of the church. They’ve
spent their entire lives listening to messages and talks that make them feel
like who they are is wrong, sinful and unworthy. If an ex-member of the church
feels the need to bash the church, I don’t get defensive and alarmed. Instead,
I look at what led them there. In many cases, what led them to a place where they
hate the church is how they were treated by other members of the church. Pain
manifests itself in a variety of ways and I am prepared to pull up a chair and
listen. I’m further prepared to open my arms and offer love and understanding.
I have felt many of the things they have felt. While I’ve made the decision to
have the church play a significant part of my life, I completely get why others
do not. I imagine a Father in Heaven who mourns with them and who understands
the source of their pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In closing,
I’ll reiterate: There isn’t a right way to be a gay Mormon. What works for one
may not work for another. And I don’t necessarily think one archetype is better
than another. After years of trying, I personally don’t think I could ever
marry a woman. I also don’t think I could ever fully leave the church. I’m kind
of in the middle. But I have love and admiration for my gay friends wherever
they are at on the spectrum. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you
listen to and counsel your gay loved ones, don't approach it with where YOU are at. Instead, consider where THEY are at on their journey. Remember that it doesn’t help to
force them into any one archetype. I’ve only presented 4, but there are tons of
different personalities, proclivities, sensitivities and sensibilities that a
gay Mormon experiences. I welcome them all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I draw comfort from my belief that
there is only One who can fairly judge and exercise ultimate mercy. I love the
idea that when backgrounds, upbringings, circumstances and other factors are
taken into consideration, all 4 (and thus 444) archetypes can end up in God’s
presence with the potential to receive all that He is prepared to bless us
with. I am grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, for perfectly understanding the
lesbian runaway teenager, the suicidal gay father, the conflicted transgender
woman who is in the middle of her transition, and the gay man who has decided
to be less active for a time while he navigates the gay dating world. I long
for the day when we can all look at our gay brothers and sisters the way Jesus did
on that night in Gethsemane.</span></div>
<br />Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-21339778346168142022015-08-31T17:17:00.001-06:002015-10-12T17:04:27.306-06:00"I Know" vs. "I Believe"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt4ZOeyrAA_UwTjESXAC8cQpexhU6CFNBeGJoktjdQC92Xvrc5wR3_swcTqozezUeAkQtOwKGBEbNr1sTuoTA-x9sxI6Ek2Rj9IEVXKwWpmdRvvDCm0GBPsqV8HpbJsC0fVEfB6xfoYQ/s1600/Primary-Boy-Talk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt4ZOeyrAA_UwTjESXAC8cQpexhU6CFNBeGJoktjdQC92Xvrc5wR3_swcTqozezUeAkQtOwKGBEbNr1sTuoTA-x9sxI6Ek2Rj9IEVXKwWpmdRvvDCm0GBPsqV8HpbJsC0fVEfB6xfoYQ/s320/Primary-Boy-Talk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I still remember the first time I bore my testimony in an
LDS sacrament meeting. I must’ve been 6 or 7 years old. In the same way that I
wanted to be the first out of my triplet brother and sister to sit in the back
row of the Tidal Wave at Lagoon, I was determined to be the first to
courageously take the long walk to the pulpit and share what I knew to be true.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What should’ve been daunting for a child to do came
pretty easily to me. After all, I’d pretty much memorized what I was supposed
to say. Up to the pulpit I went. I grabbed the microphone and positioned it
within a centimeter of my mouth and proclaimed, <i>“I want to bear my testimony. I know this church is true. I know Joseph
Smith was a prophet. I love my mom and dad. Name of Jesus Christ, amen.”</i> I
remember how good it felt when some of my older brothers patted me on the back
with a “good job, Nathan”. Most importantly, I felt the love and approval from
my mother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Over the years, I have watched thousands of children get
up and do the same thing. It’s become a rite of passage in a way. You have to
admit, it’s an adorable thing. Sure, sometimes it gets old when you want to
hear grown-ups share their thoughts and then 10 kids rush the stage to essentially
say the same thing, one after the other. I appreciate the comic relief, however. There’s always that one kid who burps or giggles or
trembles when they get to the mic. It’s so cute! But, if I’m being honest, there was
always a part of me that was uncomfortable with children being taught to say “I
know” when, in most cases, they didn’t know their multiplication table. I hate
the word “brainwashing”, but I sometimes wondered what some parents would do and say
to their own kids if they wouldn’t get up and say “I know”. Luckily, my mother never
forced or pushed for me to get up there. It was just something that you were
supposed to do because other kids were doing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve watched some of these children grow into teenagers,
young adults, and parents with children of their own. It’s been a most
interesting study of the many different ways one’s testimony can evolve over
the years. Part of the reason that I am still a member of the church as a gay
man is that I have felt many wonderful, meaningful feelings during testimony
meetings. At their worst, these meetings can be tedious, boring or full of
ridiculous amounts of emotion. Some choose to play testimony bingo as a way to
get through all of the canned things people say. There’s also the “I’ll go up
if you go first” game that gets a little tired. But, at their best, these
meetings have been sacred, powerful and strengthening to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #274e13;">There is, however, one thing about these meetings that
hasn’t seemed to change from when I was a kid: <b>The pressure to say the words “I
know” is as apparent for adults as it is for children.</b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Now, I’m not saying that church leadership demands this
of its members. But there is an unspoken pressure where many say “I know” instead
of “I believe”. Who am I to question what somebody knows? It’s not my place.
But as one who has intently listened to the testimonies of thousands, I have
questions when someone says “I know without a shadow of a doubt”. I’d like to
know how they came to this knowledge. What did they see and hear to be able to
say “I know”? Most would answer that it’s about what they have <i>felt</i>, not what their senses have
experienced. I can relate to that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #38761d;">When I taught the discussions in the mission field, I
felt something special.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I began attending the temple, I felt something special.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #38761d;">When I went to Palmyra and walked through the Smith
family log cabin and frame house and then went into the Sacred Grove and
prayed, I felt something special.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I went to Kirtland and stood in the upper floor of the
temple and contemplated some of the revelations that were given to Joseph Smith
and others, I felt something special.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #38761d;">When I went to the School of Prophets and the Newel K.
Whitney store and considered some of the events that took place there, I felt
something special.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I went to Nauvoo and did a session in that temple
and then went to Carthage to see where the martyrdom occurred, I felt something
special.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #38761d;">When I went to Independence, Adam-ondi-Ahman, Haun’s
Mill, Far West and the Liberty Jail and took all of that history in, I felt
something special.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where did these feelings come from? Well, in the church,
we would identify that as the Spirit. Some would suggest that after a lifetime
of being taught about these experiences that occurred in these various locations,
that of course it would be a meaningful experience to visit any one of them.
Perhaps I was wired and programmed to feel such emotions after putting so much
hope and study into what occurred in each “landmark”. Others would dismiss
these feelings as a Santa Claus effect. Remember the magic of being a child and
having so much hope and even assurance that Santa was real? You couldn’t doubt!
After all, “if you don’t believe, you don’t receive.” Finally, there are some
who would dismiss these experiences as strange, biological ticks that the body
sends through the nervous system when certain emotions are felt, like watching
a touching movie or reading a moving novel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I don’t feel the need to become defensive when these
kinds of things are suggested. But, at the same time, I will say without apology
that these feelings are the very reason I have not up and left the church.
These experiences mean a great deal to me. I’ll never forget them. But even
now, with most things in the church, I can only offer “I believe”. Sometimes,
I’m made to feel that “I believe” isn’t good enough. It’s only when you can
proclaim boldly “I know” that you truly have a testimony. Or, at least, that’s
how it feels sometimes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Listen with a new set of ears in your testimony meetings
this Sunday. Keep track of how many members state “I know” versus “I believe”.
As you listen to those who claim “I know”, do you have some of the same
questions I have? Have they seen and heard things I haven’t? Are they taking
the experiences they’ve had like the ones I listed above and elevating them up
to a surety of knowledge? If so, it’s not my place to judge or criticize. I guess I
just feel inferior sometimes because I’d begin many sentences in my testimony
with “I believe” instead of “I know”. For some, this inability to say “I know”
leads to feelings of inferiority.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Even our Articles of Faith begin with the words “We
believe”. Not a single one of them starts with “We know”.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m not here to challenge anyone’s testimony. After all,
mine means a great deal to me. If someone tore my testimony apart, it would
affect me in a deep, personal way. I guess I just wish others would see my
testimony as worthy and powerful even if I begin most sentences with “I feel
confident that…” or “I have every reason to believe that..”. I think we show
faith when we say those beautiful words: “I believe”. Can faith lead to a
knowledge of things? Sure. But I do not have a perfect knowledge of most of the
things I believe. It doesn’t mean that the things I believe aren’t important.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">One of the strongest testimonies I’ve ever read about the
Savior and His atonement came from Elder Bruce R. McConkie in April of 1985,
just days before his passing:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“I am one of his witnesses,
and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet
and shall wet his feet with my tears.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" id="p56" uri="/general-conference/1985/04/the-purifying-power-of-gethsemane.p56">
<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s
Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in
and through his atoning blood and in no other way.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I remember loving this address entitled “The Purifying
Power of Gethsemane” so much as a teenager. I still read it and marvel at the
words he expressed. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve often thought “Unless he already
walked and talked with Jesus, how could Elder McConkie know to that degree?
Certainly, something as intimate as seeing the Savior in person and feeling
his nail marks would be the surest way to know, so how was McConkie so sure unless he's seen and interacted with the Savior?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">In my mind, I can reason that Elder McConkie was a
special witness, had a special calling and that He probably lived a life that
was much more conducive to having a close relationship with the Savior. I’ve
listened to the testimonies of prophets and apostles throughout my life and
have been moved by many of them when they use the words “I know”. I also
consider scriptural accounts where people saw and interacted with heavenly
messengers but still didn’t seem to “know” in their hearts what they had seen
and heard. I’m willing to consider all of that. It’s only when lay members of
the church speak with such conviction and assurance that I have a hard time
accepting why they are at “I know” status when I’m only at “I believe” status.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #274e13;">In closing, I’ll say that I have a testimony. I believe there
is a God in Heaven who loves us and wants us to return to Him. I believe with
all of my heart that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world and that through
Him, I can return to Heavenly Father, even as a gay man. I have read the Book
of Mormon many times and have felt closer to the Lord by its teachings. I’m not
sure I can say that I know that it’s the word of God, but I <i>can</i> say that I have a love of the book. I
am aware of some of the problematic things that people say about Joseph Smith.
Some of these things are unfounded while others seem to be a matter of record.
Through it all, I <i>want</i> to believe
that he was truly a chosen prophet and that the Lord used him to restore His
own church to the earth. I cannot say "I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet" as I did when I was 6 years old. But I <i>can </i>say "as I've studied his life and his teachings, I believe he was a man of God".</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think that Heavenly Father would be pleased by what I
just shared in the previous paragraph, and yet, for some members of the church,
my testimony isn’t enough until I can say “I know”. To them, I’d offer that I
can’t fully accept their testimonies if every sentence begins with “I know”,
especially when some of the statements that follow the words “I know” are
extremely hurtful. I guess, at the end of the day, we should all just try
harder to create spaces where people are welcome and comfortable sharing what
they believe or what they know. <span style="color: #274e13;">I would just like to see less pressure to
subscribe to “I know” statements and more support and encouragement anytime
someone has to the courage to say “I believe.”</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-82602935339674696982015-08-18T15:17:00.001-06:002015-08-18T21:31:36.661-06:00The Weight-ing Game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_IPHsX3d-pWIvXJ6YWE74xbe-vGfHysgu9FtQTut3nlEX63qrygz6j2M0gqdDMPmTQ_fKNyARXflGMyEiteylJ4bwfocMbN24aNXs7jp7qWoOIX_fMz-fUdGnbG4wb2xIXGosOIRTcA/s1600/shutterstock_69616750.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_IPHsX3d-pWIvXJ6YWE74xbe-vGfHysgu9FtQTut3nlEX63qrygz6j2M0gqdDMPmTQ_fKNyARXflGMyEiteylJ4bwfocMbN24aNXs7jp7qWoOIX_fMz-fUdGnbG4wb2xIXGosOIRTcA/s320/shutterstock_69616750.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the grand scheme of things, how much does one’s
appearance matter? Not much. After all, <em>“<span class="text">the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance,
but the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span></em><span class="text"><em> looketh on the heart.”</em> (1 Samuel 16:7). I believe this with all my
heart.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That said, how much does my own
appearance matter to me at this stage of my life? It matters a great deal.
Allow me to explain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My 20<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> high school reunion
was held just a couple of weeks ago. The former extrovert in me wanted to go.
After all, I was one of the most popular kids in my class. I don’t say that to
brag. But I made a concerted effort to get to know everyone back in the day. I
had a passion for getting involved, making meaningful friendships, etc. Being reunited with my fellow Royals should’ve been the source of joy,
nostalgia and sentimentality.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead, as the reunion approached, I
felt anxiety, sadness, some depression and overall, I felt withdrawn. Was
it because I was voted <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Most Likely to
Have Ten Kids”</i> back then and there I was, a single, gay 38 year old man who
only recently decided it was okay to give dating a try? Meh…maybe that was a
small part of it. I didn't want to have to provide an explanation or make it okay for everyone. But I could've managed that just fine. Were there other sources of nervousness and trepidation that
a lot of my other classmates felt? Of course there were. I think we all wonder
if we’ve met the expectations our peers had/have of us. But that was fairly
easy to put aside.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ultimately,
I didn’t go to my 20<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> high school reunion for one reason: </b>Because
of the way that I look.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Upon reflection, I’ve come to realize
that I’ve said “No” to many things in my life because of my weight gain. In
many ways, I’m still the same, confident Student Body Officer from high school
who could strike up a conversation with anyone for any reason. But these days, when it
comes to my approach on social things, I step back, I resist, I hide, I avoid,
I make excuses, I say no. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve never smoked, done drugs or been
drunk. But I KNOW what it is to have an addiction, to “use”. As a teenager
turning into an adult, I started turning to food to deal with some pretty
intense sadness I was facing at the time. It altered the way I felt
immediately. Instant gratification. Problem solved. Over a period of time, this
has taken a toll on my body. I may not be morbidly obese, but still, I feel
some level of shame. I acknowledge that this is one area of my life in which
I’ve lost complete control. I gave up. I let life just happen. I didn’t take
the reins. This is the source of some of my deepest pain and regret.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise I don’t have delusions of
grandeur, but I fear that I let people down when they see me. I didn’t become
who they wanted me to be. I didn’t meet their expectations. I'm not the shining light they once knew and admired. At the end of the
day, I can put these feelings aside, but it still affects my ability to form
new relationships even now. I’ve had guys want to meet or go on a date, and I’ve said
no because I'm not more confident about my appearance. The biggest source of my pain in this area is inward. How I feel about
myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a gay Mormon dude who has recently
decided to start dating men, this is a scary thing. I’m sure there are guys who
could find me attractive just as I am, in my current state. After all, I can be
physically attracted to men with a variety of builds and physiques. All in all,
I think I’m a decent looking guy with a great smile, a deep capacity to love and understand and a fun personality and sense of humor. But, I
realize and accept that there are other men who simply won’t give me a chance,
based on the extra pounds I’m carrying. I don’t worry too much about that
because those kinds of guys either need a partner with similar interests and
priorities (no judgment), or they’re focused on things that don’t matter as
much to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When it comes to dating and eventually
finding a great guy to build a life with, I’m not so much paralyzed by whether
my appearance is good enough for other guys. My debilitation in this area is
more about not being comfortable in my own skin. </span></span><br />
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being able to put my best self
forward, projecting a positive self-image, not hiding anymore, being able to
take off my shirt confidently, these things matter to me. Some people can exude
such confidence at any weight. For me, I’ll admit, before I can become
someone’s special someone, I need to love myself more and feel better about
myself physically. Otherwise, I won’t be able to fully give myself to someone
else. It’s not a shallow thing. This isn’t about caving in to the demands of
society. This is all internal. I love who I am as a person, but this one area
continues to haunt me and block me from achieving and having what I want most
in life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve decided to do something about it. Today
is the start of a 100-day countdown to Thanksgiving. I weighed myself this
morning and I will weigh in again on November 26<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>, Thanksgiving
Day. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">My start weight as of this morning
is 225 lbs. In 100 days, I’d like to weigh 185 lbs.</b> This is a loss of 40
lbs in 100 days. I think it’s a realistic goal. I’ll provide before and after
pics at that time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By the way, this isn't my top weight. I used to weigh 235, so I'm approaching that number. My larger goal is to get down to 155
lbs, but I’ll focus on that goal after the first 40 lbs goes away. The summary would be "I used to weigh 235, now I weigh 155." That's an 80-pound difference, so this current goal of 225 to 185 is a halfway goal of sorts.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I should be careful and state this: To
all of my plus-size friends, I love you just the way you are. This is not a
call to action to change who you are or to send a message that you’re not good
enough. I’m not asking anyone else to change their appearance or subscribe to
my approach. I'm also not suggesting that anyone who is overweight should have the same self-image issues I have. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is all about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i> journey. Putting it out there for all of you to read will serve
as a huge source of motivation for me. I’ve made goals before and haven’t
accomplished them. But I've never been this open and honest before. This next-level approach is about being open, vulnerable and accountable. I’m asking for your support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s not just about the weight loss.
It’s about addressing some long-standing self-image issues and facing the
demons that led to my weight gain. I’m asking you to be a part of my journey as
I strive to become the best “me” I can become. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span class="text" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don’t worry. I’m all about improving
myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally as well. Those areas will not be
neglected. But I strongly feel that as I take control of my physical
well-being, these other areas will improve drastically.</span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-233324667832645122015-07-30T18:48:00.002-06:002015-07-31T12:45:54.139-06:00The Parable of the Combo Meal<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: start;"><span style="color: blue;">I don’t claim to be a great storyteller, but humor me for a few minutes, eh?</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHtBiloAc-hQer5Q1KyddSRwnBTpt-DjiuZAUc4vSMOx-8RbV2HYN8FQp3Igygrawv4OW4NKdXKdKX7ZrvMKpcbPefy-AltAy_5PZts5l5hJXlAEhlbtBWGelkxX1b5hvFahVdqTxTRQ/s1600/combo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHtBiloAc-hQer5Q1KyddSRwnBTpt-DjiuZAUc4vSMOx-8RbV2HYN8FQp3Igygrawv4OW4NKdXKdKX7ZrvMKpcbPefy-AltAy_5PZts5l5hJXlAEhlbtBWGelkxX1b5hvFahVdqTxTRQ/s320/combo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>The Parable of the Combo Meal</i></span></span></b><span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">by Nate Benincosa<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">One afternoon, two
friends found themselves waiting in line at Mo's Burger Joint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I'm
starving!" grumbled Gay Ray.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Me too,"
replied Straight Kate. "You're going to love this place! Thanks for
letting me choose."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’d better live up to
the hype, Kate. You’ve been trying to get me to eat here for months.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kate turned to Ray,
placed her hands on his shoulders and with conviction, she offered, “Mo’s
Burger Joint is the only true burger joint on the face of the earth.” With wide
eyes and a grin, Kate approached the counter and placed her order.
"I'll have a Mo’s all-star cheeseburger, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Would you like
that in a combo meal?" asked Norman, the Mo's employee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Um, sure. Why
not?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Fries or onion
rings, ma'am?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Fries! And,
instead of a drink, can I upgrade to a shake?" Kate requested.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Chocolate or
vanilla?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Chocolate!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ray could hardly contain
his excitement. After all, he skipped breakfast that morning. "I'll have a
hamburger with no cheese," said Ray when it was his turn to order.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Oh, uh...sorry.
But you can't order that," said Norman, with an uneasy look on his face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Why not?"
exclaimed Ray.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's our policy.
We can only offer you a cheeseburger, not a hamburger."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Seriously? A
hamburger is the same thing as a cheeseburger, just leave the cheese off of it.
Please, I'm not supposed to eat any dairy."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somewhat perplexed,
Norman stuck to his guns. "Those are the rules. Sorry."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ray was shocked. With
frustration, he continued to ask Norman to allow him to order a hamburger, but
there was no budging. Ray then asked for a manager. Eventually, the manager
came and backed up what Norman had already said to Ray. No other alternatives
were offered. "Stop discriminating against my employee. He’s just doing
his job! So, do you want a cheeseburger or not?" huffed the manager.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"As I told Norman,
no, I don't. I can't eat cheese. This is unreal. Ok, fine. I'll just have an
order of onion rings, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">The manager sighed and
responded, "Your friend here gets to choose between fries and onion rings,
but you'll have to make do with fries. But you'll like them, they're really
tasty."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"But I want onion
rings! How can you offer them to Kate and not to me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Sorry, those are
Mo's rules, and I have a job to keep."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ray was irritated and
gave Kate a look of utter disappointment. Kate shrugged, not knowing what to
do. "Ok, let me get some fries and since I'm lactose intolerant, I'd
better not get a milkshake. How about a Coke?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reluctantly, the manager
and Norman looked at each other and explained to Ray that it was policy that
Norman could not order a drink or shake. Just then, another Mo's employee
handed Kate her order: a Mo’s all-star cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate
shake. Kate took the tray and found a table while Ray struggled to finish
placing his order at the counter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Just the fries,"
Ray said in a defeated tone. Ray joined Kate at the table with only his side of
fries in hand. "Can you believe what just happened, Kate?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah, it was kind
of embarrassing, Ray. You made a scene."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"A scene?! Are you
kidding me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Well, yeah. Mo's
rules are clearly posted and you totally ignored them. It's clear that Mo's
doesn't serve hamburgers. They serve cheeseburgers, and yet you kept pushing
the issue. Why not just order a cheeseburger and take the cheese off? You can
be so dramatic, Ray."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Wow. Really, Kate?
Ok, what about you getting your choice of a chocolate or vanilla shake, OR soft
drink, but I don't get a beverage of any kind? You got to choose between fries
and onion rings?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"That's how Mo
wants it. It's his restaurant and he can set whatever rules he wants. Who are
we to question them?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ray sat there in
disbelief. They sat across the table from each other in silence for a moment or
two. Kate then picked up her all-star cheeseburger, taking big bites while
chasing the cheeseburger down with sips of her chocolate shake. She then pulled
her phone out of her pocket and took a picture of her meal. Kate was so eager
to share how delicious her meal was that she went on Facebook and posted the
picture on her wall with the following tagline: “My true, eternal love. So
grateful, God is good!” She then showed Ray her status and laughed as she
continued to devour her cheeseburger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, Ray was so
hungry that he started wolfing down his side of fries. He watched Kate as she
took her fries and dipped them into her shake. "I'm so full, but I love
doing this. My dad always used to dip his fries in his shake."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ray's mood picked up.
"Can I dip my last few fries in your shake?" he asked with a hopeful expression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Um...this is
awkward, but...no. Mo has established from the beginning that people like you
don't get shakes. Besides, fries deserve to be eaten
by people who can give them the best home in their belly. I can offer that, but
you can't."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a rage, Ray stood up
and yelled, "That's it! I can't just sit here, starving, and watch you pig
out on your cheeseburger and dip your fries in your shake when I just sit here
with fries. That's not fair, and you know it!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You could've had a
cheeseburger too, Ray. Just eat the cheeseburger and if you get sick, you get
sick. Cheese is yummy! I believe in a traditional burger and traditional
burgers have cheese on them. That doesn’t make me a burger bigot!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What part of 'no
dairy' don't you understand, Kate? I'll get sick. I wanted the same thing you
wanted. A burger. Just one little detail is different. No cheese. So, I'm gonna
go next door to Dexter's Burger Stop and get a hamburger there and bring it
back and eat it here! AND...I'm gonna get an extra-large Coke because I'm
thirsty, dammit!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Don't you dare,
Ray. I'll be so embarrassed!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just as he threatened,
Ray got a hamburger and an extra-large Coke from Dexter's and returned to
Kate's table at Mo's. He started eating his burger and taking huge gulps
of his Coke. "Mmm, this is so good. Finally, I get to eat and drink,
too."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tears started forming in
Kate's eyes. "How could you be so selfish? You are totally threatening my
fast food freedom right now! If you keep this behavior up, I might not get to
eat at Mo's anymore. Mo will either kick me out or they'll shut the place down.
Or worse, Mo will start serving hamburgers to people like you. Is that what you
want? To force Mo to put his beliefs aside and serve hamburgers to your people?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Kate...I just want
what you want. I want a burger, you want a cheeseburger. We're both hungry. Why
can't you let me eat my burger the way I want it? And, seriously, you're cool
with sipping and dipping with your shake while I am parched and am not offered
anything to drink? How can you eat at Mo's or even be here when they treat me
this way?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I can't change
Mo's laws! Don't you get that? You are welcome to come inside and sit here and
order fries and even embarrass me with the food from Dexter's. Isn't that
enough for you? It's absolutely ridiculous and even sinful for you to expect
more than that. I don't approve of this...this...lifestyle of yours!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Lifestyle?! So, you get your
full combo meal, no questions asked. Your order just conveniently goes along
with Mo's policy. You're happy, he's happy. You'll continue eating here and
want others to eat here as well. But, at the end of the day, they wouldn't serve
me a hamburger without the cheese. One little detail is different. No choice of
onion rings and no drink offered? You're cool patronizing a place like this
that treats your friend this way?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yes, Ray. Because
I know that this food is true with every fiber of my being. And if that causes
you sadness, I'm sorry. But I'm not as concerned with your level of hunger as I
am keeping Mo's rules. I love Mo and I want him to love me and be pleased with
my decisions. Besides, I’m SO close to becoming Mo’s Customer of the Month.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">At that point, Ray got
up to leave. He knew there wasn’t any getting through to Kate. He looked around
Mo’s and realized that it was a really nice restaurant. People seemed really
happy, the décor was cool, the seats were very comfortable; he really liked the
environment. It made sense to him in some ways why Kate was so taken with the
place. But at the end of the day, Ray knew that he could never enjoy Mo’s
Burger Joint as much as Kate could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">This story may be a
little over the top, but it expresses to some degree how I feel belonging to
the LDS Church as a gay man. Some of us get the full package deal as part of
our Church experience. Others are expected to get by on much less. Kate was able to enjoy her combo meal without any
violation to Mo’s rules. But as soon as Ray requested what Kate had (albeit one
minor difference), he was made to feel unwelcome. Instead of taking a moment to
fully appreciate Ray’s plight and overall experience at Mo’s, Kate was
preoccupied with Mo’s rules and how inconvenienced and embarrassed she was by
Ray’s persistence.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">I feel like Ray, sometimes.
As long as I’m content with my side order of fries and just ignore how hungry I
am, one day, I'll get the same blessings that Kate gets. Meanwhile, Kate gets to gorge on her combo meal while I just watch. It can be
tricky to watch your brothers and sisters “pig out” on love, marriage and the
gift of having and raising children when your very membership is threatened by
seeking the same thing (but without the cheese). My heart gets heavy when the “Kates”
of the Church lash out at the “Rays” of the Church for having the audacity to
want (and voice this desire for) the same things. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">I’ll close with a quote
from the late Boyd K. Packer that actually makes me smile:</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444; font-size: large;"><i>“Romantic love is not
only a part of life, but literally a dominating influence of it. It is deeply
and significantly religious. There is no abundant life without it.”</i></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">See the correlation to
my little story?</span><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-78008421102491166872015-07-12T00:05:00.002-06:002015-07-12T00:05:44.808-06:00A Place At the Table<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjARc6PSztvvzyEzbh3eOILBxiGOvlCh0BW4_XpqQQSNsLgJ6vlYlkUiyXfPNzm3kJ0PzYvmJcE7ErYqFr1clegv7AlKUNxPb-4obPOSx6vO2NbdTd56riyToEeiTOvUjWlQKZPUws9aw/s1600/chair.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjARc6PSztvvzyEzbh3eOILBxiGOvlCh0BW4_XpqQQSNsLgJ6vlYlkUiyXfPNzm3kJ0PzYvmJcE7ErYqFr1clegv7AlKUNxPb-4obPOSx6vO2NbdTd56riyToEeiTOvUjWlQKZPUws9aw/s320/chair.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">As
I prepared to head home from my LDS mission 14 years ago, the members of the
Neath Branch sang a traditional Welsh song called <i>“We’ll Keep a Welcome”</i>. The words of the chorus went as follows:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="background: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">We'll keep a welcome in the hillside</span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span style="background: white;">We'll keep a welcome in the Vales</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span style="background: white;">This land you knew will still be singing</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span style="background: white;">When you come home again to Wales</span></span></span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I
remember the looks on their faces as they sang it to me. Emotions were high and I truly felt their
love and assurance of acceptance and hospitality should I ever return to
Wales. The sweetness and sentiment of
that song has stayed with me through the years.
The words speak of an unconditional “love that never fails”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">As
a continuation to my last entry, I’d like to suggest that there are many
members of the LDS Church who choose not to attend weekly meetings. But that doesn’t mean we don’t still have
testimonies. It also doesn’t mean that
we don’t want anything to do with the Church anymore. I dare say that my brothers and sisters still
cry out to the Lord and strive to do things that please Him. For a whole variety of reasons, some of us
are just not in a place where we can attend with you. I can only speak for myself when I suggest
that I haven’t made a final decision on this front. My heart is open, even broken and contrite.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I
get that there are some who have left the Church and will never return. As I listen to their explanations as to why,
my heart is moved with compassion and I totally understand. I am not at that place. I still want involvement and identity as a
member of the church. There are many
others like me who may not be prepared to worship with you each week, but whose
memberships mean a great deal to them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">While
we work out our salvation before God, may I humbly make the following 5
suggestions to active members of the Church:<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Be a citizen
of the world.</span></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">
Some of us In the Church have taken on a <i>“be
in the world, but not OF the world”</i> approach. I get the sentiment,
but I think we take this way too far sometimes. We exclude others and
shut ourselves off with the intention of not getting caught up in the
world. We pit our 1% against the 99% as if to say <i>“we’re too good for you”</i>. In
doing so, we rob ourselves of some amazing, potentially life-changing
opportunities and associations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">God has billions of sons and
daughters with an incredibly diverse array of backgrounds, beliefs, cultures,
ethnicities, traditions, priorities, challenges, interests and passions.
I’ve chosen to surround myself with a variety of people, to see the beauty that
exists in ideas and beliefs that differ from the ones I was raised with and
still hold dear, and to remember that their existence and purpose in life
matters just as much to God as mine does. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">Don’t be so
afraid of disagreement</span></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">.</span> I should mention, in all
fairness, that most of the active LDS people I have in my life are full of love
and compassion. They are prepared to be
understanding, kind and non-judgmental. They are willing to have a
conversation where differences of opinion are freely and lovingly
expressed. They truly understand the 9th Article of Faith where we
purport to believe that God will <i>"yet
reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom"</i>,
that we don't have ALL of the answers. However, I should also express that
after a recent Facebook post (the one about Caitlyn Jenner), I had approximately
28 people unfriend me, including a family member or two. I shared those thoughts
last time as lovingly and thoughtfully as I knew how to and still, some decided
that they just couldn't continue to be my friend. What I presented was
just too challenging or offensive or different to even consider having contact
with me. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with me, who am I to
expect such? But is it too much to ask to continue familial and friendly
relationships even after disagreements occur?</span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I’m happy to report that since
those 28 people unfriended me, I’ve had 35 new people request friendship since
the launch of my blog. This is
encouraging. Some of them I’ve known but
we lost touch, and others are new friends.<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I think we can be scared to allow
others to speak up and share their beliefs.
We’re quite </span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">ready (well, some of the time) to knock on doors or to
invite our non-member or less-active friends to church or an activity or to
meet with the missionaries, but when others want to share their beliefs, it’s a
scary thing for us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">As I look back at what I’ve shared
on this blog and my previous blog, I’m not sure I consider anything to be
scary. It’s just honest. Some have approached me and just expressed
nothing but love. No other agenda or
motive. Others have felt the need to
teach me or call me to repentance. I’m
certain their motives are nothing but good, but it really comes down to
fear. Fear of something they’ve regarded
as a dear friend who thinks about things a little differently. I imagine a world where all can take a turn
and share. I imagine a gospel doctrine
class where we can share openly, without fear of rejection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I should challenge my LGBT friends
in this area as well. We become so
convinced that if a member of the church speaks up and says they support
traditional marriage, that they must be a hateful bigot. I’m convinced that most active LDS who
support traditional marriage are not hateful or vindictive people at all. They’re just trying to adhere to what they
believe with their entire hearts and souls.
Does it cause pain to us in the LGBT community? Sure, it does. But I’m learning to be less afraid when a TBM
supports traditional marriage. Instead,
I take a deep breath, consider their life and come to an understanding as to
why they support traditional marriage.
And then I move on.<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-stretch: normal;"> <span style="color: #274e13;"> </span></span></span><b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Accept that not
everyone is having the same experience in the Church that you're having</span></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">.</span><span style="color: #274e13;"> </span> My
experience has been that active members of the Church can sometimes look down
upon the less-active with attitudes of <i>"that's
just an excuse to shirk their responsibilities"</i>, <i>"haven't they read Bednar's talk on being offended?"</i>, <i>"I don't base MY activity with the
Church on whether people offend me or not"</i>, <i>"they just lost faith and stopped praying"</i>, <i>"the devil led them away carefully,
over a period of time"</i>, etc. The truth is, people fall away from
the Church for many different reasons and we need to be more prepared to mourn
with those that mourn. I currently do not attend church regularly.
I miss many things about it and I reserve the right to come back into full
fellowship. But for reasons that are very painful and difficult to
describe, I have decided not to attend at this time. I know that some of
my brothers and sisters in the Church will never understand why and that, to
them, there is just no excuse. But I'd ask those brothers and sisters to
consider that the Church means different things to different people. </span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">In a future post, I plan to share
my story in more detail in an effort to help my active brothers and sisters
understand why someone like me chooses not to attend for a season. In the
meantime, I'll just plead with you: Don't be the guy that makes the ridiculously
offensive comment in Sunday School or Elder’s quorum. Try to show love before you feel the need to
preach exact obedience. Be the girl who is willing to entertain a
conversation where not everything is black and white. There's a lot of
grey area (God will yet reveal many great and important things) and, as members
of the Church, we don't always deal well with uncertainty. If someone in
the Church isn't at the same level of activity or testimony, it doesn't mean
they're less than. It also doesn’t mean that they’re done with the
Church. It means that they've had a very
different set of experiences and trials that have led them to that place.
They need your love, not your judgment.<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">Can we be more
careful when we use words like "lifestyle" and "agenda"?</span></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"> Just
because someone isn't active in the Church doesn't mean that they have some
secret, scary agenda or that they want a lifestyle that's different from your
lifestyle. Most commonly, I hear members of the Church use these words
with regard to the LGBT community. Can we actually consider that God has
MILLIONS of sons and daughters who are gay? Can we further consider that
most of them want the same things you want as an active member of the
Church? They want to find someone and build a life together. If
your "lifestyle" is to work a 40 hour week and watch television in
the evening with your spouse and kids, I'm willing to wager that the
"lifestyle" of your gay friends and neighbors is remarkably
similar. We let one detail justify dismissing someone else's life as an
alternative or <i>“counterfeit”</i>
lifestyle. Anyone willing to actually
make close relationships with their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters will
learn that we all want the same things. </span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">Is there a negative generalization
that exists with the gay man who parties and has unprotected sex with multiple
partners and has no regard for his health or the well-being of others?
Absolutely, and in some cases, these generalizations ring true. But guess
what? Our heterosexual brothers and
sisters are just as capable and responsible for perpetuating these stereotypes. But somehow, the gay community at large is
accused of living a "lifestyle" that differs from your own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">As for an agenda, the Church has a
clear agenda. It's the three-fold mission of the Church: Proclaim
the gospel, Perfect the Saints, Redeem the dead. It's a clear,
unapologetic agenda. We sent missionaries in masses, door to door to
spread the gospel. I did that for two years and even now, I'm in touch
with a number of my Welsh and English brothers and sisters. I was happy
to be a part of that agenda. But then, we throw the word
"agenda" at the gay community. When I've asked a few people in
the Church what the "gay agenda" is, few can respond with a specific
answer. I'm asking for more understanding and acceptance for our LGBT
brothers and sisters. <span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">Just because someone identifies as
gay doesn't mean they don't want anything to do with the Church. I have
gay friends who are active every week, I have gay friends who have left the
Church after devastating experiences, and I have gay friends who are somewhere
in between. I'm prepared to listen to them all. I love hearing
their stories, their sets of experiences and decisions and how they're striving
to be the best person they can be. I'm often told of how close to God
these gay brothers and sisters continue to feel. Meanwhile, we have
parents disowning their own children, kicking them out of the house. We
have leaders of the Church suggesting that their gay sons and daughters would
not be expected to be introduced to friends for fear of sending a message that
they condone that lifestyle. The suicide rates and hate crimes (even
within the Church) are alarming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">Do your homework and please, make
the Church a safe place for LGBT members to be. I've had friends and
family members ask why the gays don't just start their own church.
"Why do we have to have the gay agenda shoved in our faces?" they
ask. Can you even imagine growing up as a gay member of the Church and
having various doctrines shoved in your face that make you hate yourself and
feel at constant odds with who you are supposed to be? My experience is
that, in many cases, gay men and women can be much more Christlike, loving,
compassionate and understanding than LDS men and women. I'm not trying to
be provocative, it's just my experience. Let's allow our LGBT brothers
and sisters who want to participate do so in peace and confidence.<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">5.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-stretch: normal;"> <span style="color: #38761d;"> </span></span></span><b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Be as eager to
let others share their experiences as you are to share the gospel.</span></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"> </span> We get so
caught up in our missionary zeal that we often don't close our mouths and
listen to the experiences of others. When we do listen, we don't allow
others to have their experiences be as special to them as our spiritual
experiences are to us. </span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">As a missionary, I taught an
African man who shared with me his experience of coming to Christ. With
tears in his eyes, he told me and my companion about the day he was baptized
(in another Christian church). I felt the Spirit as he shared, but then I
took away from his experience. It was my duty, after all, as a missionary
to explain that while he may have had a very meaningful experience and that it
was a step in the right direction, that his baptism was not performed by one
who holds the proper priesthood authority. Here, he had this wonderful
experience where he dedicated himself to following Jesus as his example.
He shared his experience with me in a vulnerable and beautiful way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">I remember seeing his expression
change when I basically said "sorry, doesn't count". To this
day, I feel bad about taking away from a very personal and special experience
he had. In the end, he was baptized into the LDS Church, but I still
wonder what kind of damage I did to a very authentic experience he
cherished. What if I had asked him to describe his experience and asked
him why it meant so much to him and how it helped him be a better person? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">Do we really care about the
experiences of our non-member friends and family members? Are we truly
prepared to listen, uninterrupted, without motive and just let them bear their
testimony in their own beautiful way? I think the missionary efforts of
the Church would be much more successful if we took this kind of approach
instead of the "forget what you've been told or raised with, here's the
truth" approach. <span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">In closing, I'd like to express
gratitude to my mother and some of my siblings for the great care they've taken
to assure me of their love and support. I have friends from all
backgrounds who are prepared to love me just as I am. Some of them
challenge me to be a better person and consider fuller activity within the
Church. That's ok. Others challenge me in other ways. At the
end of the day, I've made decisions with a clear conscience before the
Lord. I believe that He truly understands my heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">At present, I may not be meeting
the expectations of my active LDS brothers and sisters, and yet, I feel that
I'm meeting the Lord's expectations. Food for thought, eh? <b>I'm not
sure if I'll ever want a permanent plate set within the Church, but I'd like
the option of having a place at the table, should my path lead me there.</b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif;">May we, as members of the LDS
Church, come together and see the beauty and purpose and importance of ALL of
God's children. May we not live in fear that 99% of the world's
population is going to hell in a hand-basket. May we have confidence in a
Father who gave us a Savior to atone for our shortcomings. Perhaps there
are ordinances and steps and formalities each of us must take to return to the
presence of the Almighty. I'm not asking anyone to change those
beliefs. I'm simply asking that we relax a bit and treat each other in
the most Christ-like way we can, active LDS or not. People like me need
people like you to understand, accept and share our journey. Our paths
may differ, but the destination is the same.</span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-59172384609429361832015-07-07T23:53:00.004-06:002015-07-07T23:53:51.336-06:00A Free Exchange of Ideas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigsA-dDWdZ-PTURw0y28Egg-dsn59Wt1CtAyh9kw1p8Xc0mDYMv0-dbAyZCGJ9IeaN_RlQUQfRROPbCyiNWELnSv2DLJn45yS1xSMtDqpBBW65boHm7-7XmNrU6sIoWg4I0YN2-RXtg/s1600/ideas.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigsA-dDWdZ-PTURw0y28Egg-dsn59Wt1CtAyh9kw1p8Xc0mDYMv0-dbAyZCGJ9IeaN_RlQUQfRROPbCyiNWELnSv2DLJn45yS1xSMtDqpBBW65boHm7-7XmNrU6sIoWg4I0YN2-RXtg/s320/ideas.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10803" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10802"><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10805"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10804">I wrote </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10801"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10800">the following </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10853"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10852">with love and an open heart. I hope that it’s received with compassion and an open mind. I’ll begin with a few stats for my active LDS friends to consider:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10854" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10857" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10856"><span style="color: blue;">-Worldwide membership of the LDS church: 15.4 million.</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10795" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10794"><span style="color: blue;">-Worldwide estimated population: 7.2 billion.</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span class="yiv7045515457s4">-Percentage of Heavenly Father’s children who are not LDS: </span><span class="yiv7045515457s4">99.7%</span><span class="yiv7045515457s4">.</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10858" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10862" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10861"><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10860"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10859">Can we just stop and re-read the last stat one more time: </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s6" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">99.7% of God’s children on this earth are NOT </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s6" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">members of the </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s6" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">LDS</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s6" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> church</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10864"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10863">. Now, these aren’t exact numbers, but you get the idea. The Church was restored in 1830. Here we are, 185 years later, and the worldwide membership of the Church isn’t even half of 1% of the world’s population. </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">85,000 missionaries?</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">145 operating temples?</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> Impressive and staggering to consider, but is this rate of growth enough to ensure that the other 99% is converted within the next 185 years? </span></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10865" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10868" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10867">As I consider the math, I don’t lose sight of miracles and the phenomenal growth that the Church has experienced over the last two centuries. I am also mindful of the millennium and the events that we believe will take place during that span of time. But I strongly feel that a loving, kind, merciful Heavenly Father is just fine with the math I’ve presented. It's 2015 and still, a tiny portion of His children are active LDS. He knows what He’s doing and He has everything under control. I believe with all my heart that He loves ALL of His children and that He is fully invested in bringing about the eternal life of the believers and non-believers, the righteous and the wicked, the Mormons, the ex-Mormons, the Catholics, the Buddhists, the Jewish, the Muslims, the non-religious, the Atheists, etc. I believe that through His Son, He has truly made every possible consideration to ensure that the majority of His children return home to Him.</span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10890" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10872" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10871"><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10870"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10869">I don’t share these stats to discourage, to disrespect or to dishearten anyone. My membership in the LDS Church still means a great deal to me. I’ve been a part of missionary work and temple work and have enjoyed some very meaningful experiences as a result. I’ve taken time to visit Kirtland, Nauvoo, Carthage, Palmyra, Adam-</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">ondi</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">-</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">Ahman</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10874"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10873">, Far West, Liberty Jail and other places where I experienced real and powerful emotions that I, to this day, believe came from a heavenly source. I have served in a variety of callings within the Church and very much enjoyed these experiences. I continue to believe and have a testimony of things that I consider to be sacred. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10889" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10877"><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10888"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10887">I have loved this Church and have truly been grateful for my membership in it. But consider this: </span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span class="yiv7045515457s7"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">Members of the Church like </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s8" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">some</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s7"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> of you are pushing members of the Church like </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s8" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">me</span></span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s7"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"><span style="color: blue;"> out. </span><b> </b></span></span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10876"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10875">In droves.</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10886"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10885">Completely.</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10882"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10881">Unapologetically.</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"> </span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">In the name of righteousness.</span></span><span class="yiv7045515457s4" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10880"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10879"> I am here to speak up and ask for change. I’m asking my brothers and sisters in the Church to expand their views and open their hearts. If God is just fine with 99% of His children not being members of “the only true church” in the year 2015, perhaps we can calm down and be more prepared to accept our brothers and sisters from all walks of life. Then, maybe we can go a step further and see that many different paths lead to the same destination.</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">For the most part, my experience has been that members of the Church are among the kindest, most loving and most giving people around. It's this kind of association that makes me proud to be a member of the Church. But at the same time, I become amazed at how unwilling we can be to have conversations where beliefs are presented that differ from our own. Our entire world view can be shaped by how we were raised without any thought as to what God has in mind for the billions of men and women who weren't born and raised in the Church or given the chance to accept the gospel as taught by the Church. We tend to especially freak out a bit when someone who has been raised in the Church turns away and pursues a different path. "How can that differing path lead back home?", we demand. My next entry will provide 5 different ways that we, as members of the Church, can be more open and show a willingness to have interesting, insightful conversations with each other and, more importantly, with those who do not believe as we do. Check back later this week for that.</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20">I'm going to close this entry with a quote that one of my dearest friends, David Bennett, turned me on to. It's from Hugh B. Brown, a former member of the First Presidency of the Church:</span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="yiv7045515457s5" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1436331239148_10878" style="background-color: white; padding: 0px;">
<span class="yiv7045515457s4"><span class="yiv7045515457bumpedFont20"><span style="line-height: 26px;"><i><span style="color: blue; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I admire men and women who have developed the questioning spirit, who are unafraid of new ideas and stepping stones to progress. We should, of course, respect the opinions of others, but we should also be unafraid to dissent—if we are informed. Thoughts and expressions compete in the marketplace of thought, and in that competition truth emerges triumphant. Only error fears freedom of expression. This free exchange of ideas is not to be deplored as long as men and women remain humble and teachable. Neither fear of consequence nor any kind of coercion should ever be used to secure uniformity of thought in the church. <b>People should express their problems and opinions and be unafraid to think without fear of ill consequences. We must preserve freedom of the mind in the church and resist all efforts to suppress it </b>(emphasis added)."</span></i></span></span></span></div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9149863372348528498.post-52841548031886643012015-06-26T17:38:00.002-06:002015-06-26T17:41:49.064-06:00Into me, see = Intimacy<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome to my new blog!</span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwOL6xteli1a3xIAo9c9wcU0GkGe-Xu_bg2m4Z8ho9UoZxkaYiTVGEja3pSCiWfyhvcV6Px9eLcpmN1WI0bV1tL4hRJKCHNFPNwysokmwLlftnVZnTPMe_lAF55Dn_93tJ24m4PzxGA/s1600/nude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwOL6xteli1a3xIAo9c9wcU0GkGe-Xu_bg2m4Z8ho9UoZxkaYiTVGEja3pSCiWfyhvcV6Px9eLcpmN1WI0bV1tL4hRJKCHNFPNwysokmwLlftnVZnTPMe_lAF55Dn_93tJ24m4PzxGA/s320/nude.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a historic day to start my new blog. Earlier today, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage nationwide. My News Feed on Facebook is filled with messages of gratitude and joy. Sure, there are a few negative messages or preachy messages. But all in all, I'm thrilled with the ruling and most reactions to it.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In that spirit, I am launching this new blog. I will speak my mind, share some thoughts and musings, make some witty observations, stand up for those who lack the voice or freedom to say what they want to say, and provide some uplifting anecdotes or meditations. And I will do it all without a mask or an alias. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am Nate Benincosa. I am here to love, listen, strengthen and inspire. I am here to learn, exchange ideas, be educated and guided. Mostly, I am here to be authentic, genuine and as open minded as I know how to be. I invite you to look at me, understand me, relate to me, challenge me. I am naked before you, nothing to hide. Into me, see = Intimacy.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I used to run an anonymous blog where I could share my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Check it out if you're curious. It's at </span><a href="http://bennythefencesitter.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">http://bennythefencesitter.blogspot.com/</span></a><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. But now, I can share freely without any fear or concern of what others think. I stand before my Maker, totally confident in His ability to make me a better person. Although I'm a weak instrument in His hands, I will use this blog to helps others become more aware, more fair, more understanding, more patient and kind, more compassionate and ultimately, more Christ-like.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I invite you to participate as I take this journey. It's a vulnerable thing to share so openly and publicly. I am not doing it for myself. I am doing it for those who need to draw upon the strength and experiences of others until they feel ready to express themselves in similar ways. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I offer you my heart and soul and ask for yours in return.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love, </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nate</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
Naked Natehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09315324753533335005noreply@blogger.com2